Jerry refuses to break up with his girlfriend so he can keep doing a funny voice impression of her belly button. George tries to avoid being fired by staying at his job doing nothing.
(Scene: In the Play Now office)
ThomassouloGeorge, you’re not really handicapped, are you?
GeorgeI’ve had my difficulties.
ThomassouloI saw you running down Amsterdam Avenue lifting that 200 pound motorized cart with one hand.
GeorgeMr. Thomassoulo during times of great stress, people are capable of super human strength. Have you ever seen the Incredible Hulk, sir?
ThomassouloNo
GeorgeHow about the old Spider Man live action show?
ThomassouloGeorge, I’ve realized we’ve signed a one-year contract with you, but at this point I think it’s best that we both go our separate ways.
GeorgeI don’t understand.
ThomassouloWe don’t like you. We want you to leave.
GeorgeClearer
(Scene: At Monks Caf)
JerrySo you’re staying at Play Now?
GeorgeWhy not? Pay is good. I got dental, private access to one of the great handicapped toilets in the city.
JerryBut they not you aren’t handicapped, aren’t you ashamed?
GeorgeThey’re the ones who should be ashamed. They signed me to a one-year contract. As long as I show up for work every day, they have to pay me.
(Elaine walks in)
ElaineHey
Jerry & George(doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o!
GeorgeHello-o-o-o Elaine!
ElaineWhat’s that?
JerryOh, it’s just this stupid thing.
ElaineWell, I’m sure it’s stupid. It’s not about me, is it?
Jerry(doing the voice) No-o-o-o.
George(doing the voice) Not at all.
ElaineTell me!
JerryAll right. You know this girl Clare I am seeing?
ElaineYeah.
JerryWell, he and I starting joking that when she falls asleep her stomach stays awake all night and talks to me.
ElaineHow is it talking?
JerryWell, her belly button is like a mouth. (doing the voice) I’m bored. Talk to me.
ElaineOh I gotta start taking these "stupid" warnings more seriously.
(Puddy walks in)
JerryHey, look whose here - Puddy.
ElaineMy Puddy? But we broke up.
JerryAnd yet he continues to live.
(Puddy walks over to the table)
PuddyHey Benes, How are you?
ElaineI’m doing great.
PuddyGreat. (pauses) See ya.
JerryWell, that’s it. You two are back together.
ElaineWhat?
JerryThe bump into. The bump into always leads to the backslide.
ElaineDavid and I will not be getting back together.
JerryElaine, breaking up is like knocking over a coke machine. You can’t do it in one push, you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.
GeorgeThat’s beautiful.
ElaineWhat about you? You were even engaged, and you cut it off just like that.
JerryThat’s different. I didn’t have feelings for those people. But you, you’ll backslide
ElaineYou want to bet?
JerryStakes?
Elaine50
JerryDollars?
ElaineAll right. Witness? (looks at George).
GeorgeWitness.
JerryDone.
GeorgePercentage?
Jerry & ElaineNo.
(Scene: At Jerry’s apartment)
ClareSo I’ll call you tonight?
JerryYeah.
ClareWhat’s wrong with the belt?
JerryI went to the movies last night, I went to the bathroom and I unbuckled a little wobbly and the buckle kind of banged against the side of the urinal. So…(throws away belt) that’s it!
ClareSo, you’re insane?
JerryOh yes, quite.
(Kramer walks in)
KramerHello!
JerryOf course it’s a sliding scale.
ClareCatch you later.
Kramer & Jerry(doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o! (haha)
Jerry(doing the voice) La la la.
Kramer(doing the voice) La la la.
(Kramer is reading the newspaper at the table)
KramerLook at this, they are redoing the Cloud Club.
JerryOh, that restaurant on top of the Chrysler building? Yeah, that’s a good idea.
KramerOf course it’s a good idea, it’s my idea. I conceived this whole project two years ago.
JerryWhich part? The renovating the restaurant you don’t own part or spending the two hundred million you don’t have part?
KramerYou see I come up with these things, I know they’re gold, but nothing happens. You know why?
JerryNo resources, no skill, no talent, no ability, no brains.
Kramer(interrupts) No, no…time! It’s all this meaningless time. Laundry, grocery, shopping, coming in here talking to you. Do you have any idea how much time I waste in this apartment?
JerryI can ball park it.
(Elaine walks in – how did she come up without the buzzer?)
Elaine(doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o!
KramerHere we go; now she comes in. Now my whole day is shot!
JerryHey, I called you last night, where were you?
Elaine(looking VERY guilty) I went out with a (fake cough) a friend.
JerryGeorge?
Elaine(looking guiltier) No, no…no.
JerryWell, I was here, that’s everyone (laughing).
Elaine(laughing).
JerryAre those the same shoes as yesterday?
ElaineOh, you know I wear these shoes all the time.
JerryYour hair, it’s somewhat de-poofed.
ElaineIt’s the new look. You know Heroin Cheek?
JerryWait a second, what’s going on here?
ElaineNothing, nothing.
Jerry(screams).
Elaine(screams).
JerryYou’re wearing the same clothes as yesterday!!! (pauses) You saw Puddy!
KramerHoochie moochie. (haha)
JerryHand it over. Pay up.
ElaineNo! It’s an isolated, sexual incident. We are not back together!
JerryThen what do you call it? People don’t just bump into each other and have sex. This isn’t cinemax.
ElaineIt was no big deal OK? I mean we fooled around, then we went out and grabbed a little dinner.
JerryAh, dinner! That’s it, you’re all the way back!
ElaineUgh!
JerrySex, that’s meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner; that’s heavy. That’s like an hour.
Kramer(still reading the paper) Man, 2.9 percent financing on a Toyota Onedun (Sp?). That was my idea too!
(Scene: At Play Now)
GeorgeGood Morning!
Co-workerGo to hell!
GeorgeHi Allison, that’s a nice dress.
AllisonDon’t even look at me.
GeorgeHey Glenn!
GlennHey, go tell hell!
GeorgeHeard that one already.
(Scene: At Jerry’s apartment)
(Jerry walks in. Kramer is showing his "intern," Darren around)
Kramer…So that’s the bedroom. Here’s the bathroom. If you need to, you can familiarize yourself with the kitchen…Yeah, go ahead and look through some of the drawers.
JerryAnd you are?
DarrenOh, hey, I’m Darren. I’m new here.
KramerYeah, that’s Jerry, you don’t have to worry about him. Why don’t you go across the hall and get started on that mail.
DarrenRight!
KramerHe’s a go getter!
JerryWho’s he?
KramerMy intern from NYU. Well, you remember my corporation, Kramerica Industries.
JerryAlright.
KramerWell, apparently NYU is very enthusiastic about their students getting some real world corporate experience.
JerryBut you only provide fantasy world corporate experience.
KramerWell, this will really free up my time so I can focus on more important things, like my bladder system.
JerryAlright, it’s time to go.
KramerJerry, it’s not for people, it’s for oil tankers.
Jerry(sarcastically) I know!
(Jerry tries to shove Kramer out the door)
KramerYou see the idea is for a rubber ball inside the tanker so if it crashes, the oil won’t spill out.
JerryActually, that is not a bad idea.
Kramer(smiles) yeah.
JerryNow, it’s time to go.
(slams door)
(phone rings)
JerryHello
George(doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o. (He’s sitting on the floor in his Play Now office).
Jerry(doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o. (pauses) So, what’s going on?
GeorgeSiege mentality Jerry. They really want me out of here. They’ve downgraded me to some sort of a bunker. I’m like Hitler’s last days here.
JerrySo, are you going to leave?
GeorgeOh no! I’m vigilant. They’ll never get me out. I’m like a weed, Jerry.
JerryI thought you’re like Hitler in the bunker?
GeorgeI’m a weed in Hitler’s bunker.
JerryI’m getting a little uncomfortable with the Hitler stuff. (his other line beeps) I’m getting another call, see ya…(answers call) Hello!
DarrenHi, this is Darren from Kramer’s office. Mr. Kramer would like to schedule a lunch with you at Monk’s coffee shop.
Jerry(looking shocked) Really? When?
DarrenIn 10 minutes. Do you need directions?
JerryNo, I don’t.
DarrenWell, I’ll call back in 5 minutes to confirm.
KramerYeah, 5.
(Elaine walks in – again, how did she get up without the buzzer?)
ElaineHey!
JerryHey! So, where’s my money?
ElaineNo money, I am Puddy free. So, are we eating or what?
JerryOh yeah, hold on.
(Jerry calls Kramer and Darren answers)
JerryHello Darren, this is Jerry from Jerry’s office. (Elaine is looking confused). We’re going to be three for lunch. (Elaine is still looking confused) What do you mean he’s already left?
(Kramer walks in)
JerryHey, Elaine is going to come with us, alright?
KramerWhat? When did this happen?
JerryWell, just…
Kramer(yelling) DARREN!
(Scene: At Elaine’s apartment)
(Sitting on the couch thinking to herself)
ElaineI am not calling Puddy. What did I do with my gloves? Oh, I bet I left them over at Puddy’s. I should call him. I need those gloves. No, I better not. I’ll call. (looks at table) Oh, look at that! There are the gloves. I was just about to call. There they are. That’s funny. That’s really funny. That’s really really funny. You know who loves funny stories, David Puddy. (Picks up phone).
(Scene: At Monk’s Cafe)
GeorgeWell, Play Now is through playing. They turned the heat way up in my office. They tried to sweat me out.
JerryDo you have to write all this stuff down.
DarrenWell, Mr. Kramer is in a meeting with Mr. Lohmase and he didn’t want to miss anything.
JerrySo, how hot did it get?
GeorgeI don’t know, 120, 130…Then they sent some guys to sandblast for 6 hours. Tomorrow they are putting in asbestos.
JerryI guess you can take anything, but actual work.
GeorgeBring it on!
(Kramer walks in)
George(doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o Kramer!
Jerry(doing the voice) Wel-l-l-c-o-m-e!
George(doing the voice) La la la.
KramerSorry I couldn’t get out of there, what did I miss? (asking his "intern")
DarrenWell, after ordering, Mr. Seinfeld and Mr. Costanza debated on whether or not iron man wore some sort under garment between his skin and his iron suit…
KramerUh huh…
George(Interrupts) And I still say he’s naked under there!
JerryOh that makes a lot of sense.
GeorgeOh, shut up!
Darren…Then Mr. Seinfeld went to the restroom, at which point Mr. Costanza scooped ice out of Mr. Seinfeld’s drink with his bare hands using it to wash up (Jerry is taking a sip of water and looking mad) then Mr. Costanza remarked to me, "This never happened." (Jerry then spits out the water).
(George is looking pissed off)
(Scene: At Jerry’s apartment in his bed)
Jerry(giggling)
ClareWhat’s so funny?
JerryOh, nothing. (still giggling)
ClareWhat are you laughing about? Tell me.
JerryOh all right, this is really dumb, really stupid. We’ve been doing this silly, dumb voice.
(Clare storms out of the room mad!)
ClareSo is it fun humiliating me?
JerryNo, it’s not you. It’s your stomach, he’s taking with this funny, booming, jovial voice. (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o.
ClareSo you think I’m fat?
JerryNo it’s…
(Darren walks in)
DarrenMr. Kramer says, "hey buddy!"
JerryHey, we’re kind of in the middle of something here. Would you mind coming back later?
DarrenOh yeah sure, sure. Should we set something up now?
Jerry(Screams) GET OUT!
ClareI’m leaving too.
JerryNo body said you’re fat. He’s a loving character, like the Kool-ade guy.
ClareHe is fat!
JerryNo, he’s just a little bloated.
ClareGood-bye!
JerryIt’s mostly water weight.
(Kramer walks in)
KramerBoysenberry, the kid is still learning.
(Darren is standing in the hallway on the phone)
DarrenMr. Kramer…Dean, my internship is on line two, she wants to set up a meeting.
KramerYeah, well nothing before noon.
JerryLine two?
KramerYeah, your phone is line one.
JerryOh…
(Scene: At Elaine’s apartment)
PuddySo the gloves were right by the phone. That is pretty funny.
ElaineSee, this is what Jerry’s doesn’t understand. We can see each other. We can see each other every day, but it doesn’t mean we are back together.
PuddyI mean I love just seeing you and having sex.
ElaineYeah.
PuddyNot having to do all that…you know…work.
ElaineWell, either way…
PuddyAll that calling you, and buying you stuff…
ElaineDavid…
PuddyCaring about how everyone at work isn’t as smart as you. It’s brutal.
ElaineAlright that’s it! We’re back together!
PuddyOh, no.
ElaineOh, yeah.
PuddyLook Elaine, be reasonable.
(Elaine kisses Puddy)
ElaineGet those clothes off. You’re going to spend the night and we’re going to cuddle.
PuddyWhat?
ElaineYou heard me. Strip!
(Scene: At Play Now)
(George is walking in the hallway to his office. He sees his office has been boarded up)
George(whistling)….(laughing)….Alright……OK….
(George goes through air vent – in his office)
George(on phone – calling secretary) Hello Margery, George Costanza. How are you sweet heart? Listen, can you give Mr. Thomassoulo a message for me? …Yes. If he needs me, tell him (screams) I’M IN MY OFFICE! Thanks.
(Scene: At NYU)
KramerDean Jones, you wanting to talk to me?
Dean JonesI’ve been reviewing Darren’s internship journal. Doing laundry…
Kramer…Yeah.
Dean Jones…Mending chicken wire, hi-tea with a Mr. Newman.
KramerI know it sounds pretty glamorous, but it’s business as usual at Kramerica.
Dean JonesAs far as I can tell your entire enterprise is more than a solitary man with a messy apartment which may or may not contain a chicken.
KramerAnd with Darren’s help, we’ll get that chicken.
Dean JonesI’m sorry, but we can’t allow Darren to continue working with you.
KramerWell, I have to say this seems capricious and arbitrary.
Dean JonesYou fly is open.
(Scene: At Jerry’s apartment)
(Jerry & Clare are talking by the doorway)
JerrySo you’re sure you’re not still angry about last night?
ClareNo, I’m fine. Just as long as you don’t ever do that voice again.
JerryNever?
ClareNever.
JerryWhat about if you’re not around?
ClareNo!
JerrySo I have to choose between seeing you and doing the voice?
ClareThat’s right.
JerryI can do that.
ClareSo what’s your decision?
JerryI don’t know.
(At the dock or beach)
(Jerry is thinking to himself – looking quite funny)
(He’s thinking about all the times him and Clare spent together. He’s trying to decide if he likes her more or the voice more)
(Jerry knocks on Clare’s door)
ClareJerry…HI.
Jerry(doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o. La-la-la. (haha)
(Scene: At Jerry’s apartment)
GeorgeYou broke up with her? Why?
JerrySo we could do the voice. (doing the voice) La-la-la. What’s the matter?
GeorgeI think I’m getting tired of it. I mean is that all it does? Hello? La-la-la?
JerryNo, it can do anything. It can be Spanish. (doing the voice) Hola. Hello-o-o-o.
GeorgeI think I like the girl better than the voice.
JerryReally?
(Elaine walks in – how does she keep getting up without that buzzer?!)
Jerry(doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o.
ElaineStill?
GeorgeI told you.
ElaineAlright, here you go, choke on it (hands him money).
JerrySee, never bet against the backslide. I knew you two would get back together.
ElaineYeah, well not for long. I’m breaking up with him.
JerryNo, I don’t think so. I’ve seen you two together. You make each other miserable. It’s kismet.
ElaineDouble or nothing.
JerryDone.
George(talking from bathroom) Witness?
JerryYou’re in there again.
GeorgeI think Play Now is putting something in my food.
(Kramer walks in)
ElaineAlright, I’m out of here.
JerryWhat is this? (Kramer is wearing jeans that look like it doesn’t fit him).
KramerI don’t know. I found them in your closet. Ever since Darren left I haven’t been able to find anything. He took all my clothes to some cleaners. I’m clueless. (looks at clock) Is that clock right?
JerryYeah. Nine o’clock.
KramerI was supposed to pick up Newman at the zoo twelve hours ago.
Jerry(doing the voice) Good-bye Kramer.
KramerJerry, buddy, I got to tell you something. That voice is played.
JerryReally?
KramerSo played.
GeorgeI told you.
(Scene: Hallway, Darren is knocking on Kramer’s door)
KramerDarren? What are you doing here? The college canceled the internship.
DarrenI don’t care about the internship. I care about Kramerica.
KramerKramerica is no more.
DarrenWhat about the oil tanker bladder system? We were going to put an end to maritime oil spills.
KramerProbably. Darren, you go home. Forget about Kramerica.
(Kramer slams door)
(Kramer opens door)
KramerWell, you’re still here?
DarrenI haven’t had time to leave.
KramerWell, I haven’t changed my mind.
(Kramer slams door)
(Kramer opens door)
KramerWell, you are a tenacious little monkey. Alright, I’ll do it. Kramerica industries lives! Let’s get back to work!
(Kramer slams door)
(Kramer opens door)
KramerLet’s see what Jerry has to eat.
(Scene: At Play Now – in the bosses office)
ThomassouloYou win George. We’ve had it. If you leave right now, Play Now will give you six months pay. That’s half of your entire contract. Please…just go.
GeorgeYou see if I stay the whole year, I get it all.
ThomassouloWant to play hand ball huh? Fine. (calls on intercom) Attention Play Now employees, George Costanza’s handicapped bathroom is now open on the sixteenth floor to all employees and their families.
GeorgeWell played.
ThomassouloI’ll see you in hell Costanza.
(Scene: At Jerry’s apartment)
Jerry(on the phone with Clare) Clare thanks for giving me a second chance. Our relationship is certainly worth more than some silly, stupid voice. Hold on one second. (George walks in – Jerry asks George) So we definitely don’t want to do the voice anymore? (George shakes his head NO) Alright, we’re back together again, great. Bye bye. (Scene: Hallway – Kramer & Darren are pushing an oil tank.
KramerHey.
JerryTrouble down at the plant?
KramerIt’s a tank of oil. Darren and I are finally going to test out my bladder system.
GeorgeYou have to drink that whole thing?
KramerNo. No. No. It’s for oil tankers. All I need to do is fill some sort of rubber container with oil and then drop it to see whether or not it can restrain the impact.
JerryI understand (not really understanding, lol).
GeorgeWould a giant rubber ball work?
KramerConceivably.
GeorgeWell, Play Now has all kinds of different rubber balls. Why don’t we test your bladder system at my office?
JerryYou’re not…
GeorgeOh, yes I am. Mr. Thomassoulo likes to play dirty. Well, there’s nothing dirtier than a giant ball of oil.
(Scene: At Monk’s Cafe)
PuddyHey, you want to split a root beer (I think that’s what he says)?
ElaineI don’t think so David, we’re through.
PuddyOh…That’s a nice sweater (Elaine smiles).
(Scene: At Elaine’s house – the two are in bed)
ElaineWhew that was a dozy.
(Scene: At Jerry’s apartment)
(Elaine throws down money on the table).
JerryGo again?
ElaineBook it.
George(again from bathroom) Witness.
(Scene: At Elaine’s apartment)
ElaineDavid I know this hurts, but it’s the way it has to be (Puddy is giving her a look like he’s going to still get some).
(Scene: At Jerry’s apartment)
(Elaine is placing money on the table one by one)
JerryHa ha ha. Ha ha ha ha.
(Scene: Jerry and Elaine at the movies)
ElaineI’m going to get some popcorn.
(Scene: At Jerry’s apartment)
(Elaine hands Jerry money)
ElaineSo, how did it end?
JerryThey got away.
Elaineuh.
(Scene: At Elaine’s apartment)
ElaineListen David, I’ve got to run. Can you lend me fifty bucks?
(Scene: At Play Now)
(Darren & Kramer are pushing the ball of oil – Jerry walks in)
JerryHey.
KramerDid you bring the video camera?
JerryYeah, I put a six hour tape in. That should cover the experiment, the arrest, and most of your trial. Alright, I’ll see ya.
GeorgeOh, you might want to stick around Jerry. Mr. Thomassoulo picked the wrong man to hire because he was fake handicapped.
JerryI can’t. I got to meet Clare.
KramerYou gave up the voice?
JerryYeah, I thought it was stupid. Unless you guys are liking it again.
Kramer & GeorgeNo. No
JerryDarren?
DarrenSorry Mr. Seinfeld.
JerryUh, bathroom.
GeorgeHey, use mine. I’ll let you in.
JerryI thought it was open to the public.
GeorgeI uh, took care of that.
(Both go to the bathroom, which looks really nice)
JerryWow! Zanadu . No wonder you’re putting in so many hours. (looks at urinal) May I?
GeorgeI insist. I’ll fix us a drink. (phone rings – who would that be?) I got it.
(Back to Kramer & Darren in George’s office)
KramerWhew. You know Darren, if you would have told me twenty-five years ago that some day I’d be standing here about to solve the worlds energy problems, I would’ve said you’re crazy… Now let’s push this giant ball of oil out the window.
(Back in the bathroom)
GeorgeSo, check out my view.
JerryWow! Hey, there’s Clare. I better go down.
GeorgeHey, there’s Kramer & Darren.
JerryThere’s the giant ball of oil. Clare’s right underneath that thing. Clare! Hello-o-o-o! Hello-o-o-o! Hello-o-o-o!
ClareI don’t believe this. I am not looking up if you’re going to do that voice.
KramerBombs away (Uh oh).
JerryThis is going to be a shame.
(SPLAT!)
GeorgeHello.
KramerWell, that didn’t work. Hey, how about this…ketchup and mustard in the same bottle?
DarrenOh that sounds interesting sir.
KramerYeah.
(Police sirens – uh oh)
(Scene: At Monk’s Caf)
JerryClare won her lawsuit against Play Now. Gee, Play Now is filing for bankruptcy. I guess you’re not going in anymore.
GeorgeYeah.
JerrySo they’re not paying you your…
GeorgeNo.
JerrySo you’re pretty much…
GeorgeYeah.
JerryWhat ever happened to Darren?
KramerDarren is going away for a long long time.
JerrySo Clare sure looked real funny covered in oil like that… (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o I got beamed with a giant ball of oil…
George(doing the voice) I’m slippery as an eel…
Kramer(doing the voice) La la la.
JerryI’m just so glad it’s back.
(Scene: At Elaine’s apartment in bed with Puddy AGAIN)
ElaineSee, this is good. This is the way it should be. You know why are we fooling ourselves. We belong together.
PuddyElaine: I want to break up.
ElaineAh nuts!
[END SHOW]