Jerry starts sleeping with his maid and stops cleaning. George tries to make people call him T-Bone. Kramer gets a new phone number with a 212 area code.
INT. MONK'S RESTAURANT - DAY
George and Jerry sit at their usual booth.
JERRY (to waitress): Cup of tea with lemon.
GEORGEWhat happened to your voice?
JERRYI was screamin' at hecklers all night. The last time I open for a rodeo.
GEORGEWell, Jerry, I been thinkin'. I've gotten as far as I can go with George Costanza.
JERRYIs this the suicide talk or the nickname talk?
GEORGEThe nickname. George. What is that? It's nothing. It's got no snap, no zip. I need a nickname that makes people light up.
JERRYYou mean like...Liza!
GEORGEBut I was thinking...T-bone.
JERRYBut there's no "t" in your name. What about G-bone?
GEORGEThere's no G-bone.
JERRYThere's a g-spot.
GEORGEThat's a myth. George takes a bite of his sandwich and gets a piece stuck to his chin.
JERRYT-bone, the ladies are gonna love ya.
EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY - ESTABLISHING
ELAINEWhy did they hire you for a rodeo?
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY
Jerry and Elaine are sitting on the sofa chewing gum.
JERRYThey heard I opened for Kenny Rogers once.
ELAINEDidn't he throw you off a bus in the middle of Alabama or--
JERRYOh, I had that comin' to me.
ELAINEYou know, Kenny Rogers has a- Jerry's maid exits from his bedroom and walks over to the kitchen. ELAINE (whispering): Why did you get a maid?
JERRYYou don't have to whisper. She knows she's a maid.
ELAINEWhere did you get her?
JERRYI hired her from a service!
MAIDAll done.
JERRYThank you. Nice job.
MAIDIs this mine?
JERRYYeah. The maid leaves Jerry's apartment. Elaine smiles at Jerry.
JERRYWhat?
ELAINECome on, Jerry. You didn't notice?
JERRYNotice what? She's not really even a maid.
ELAINEOh.
JERRYShe wants to be an actress...or a, uh, model...or a dancer...or a...news woman.
ELAINEUh-huh. News woman. Yeah. Kramer enters.
KRAMERHey. Well, bad news, boys. My life is over. My girlfriend's movin' away.
JERRYYou have a girlfriend? Jerry stands up; Kramer opens the fridge.
KRAMERJerry, where have you been?
JERRYAt a rodeo. Where's she moving?
KRAMERDowntown.
ELAINEDowntown New York?
KRAMERYeah. I don't know if I can handle one of these long-distance relationships.
JERRYIt's like 10 minutes by subway.
KRAMERI don't know. Kramer opens a bottled carbonated drink which overflows and spills onto the floor.
KRAMEROh! Jeez! Well, you've got a maid. It's a whole different world downtown-- different Gap, different Tower Records, and she's a 646.
ELAINEWhat? What is that?
JERRYThat's the new area code. They've run out of 242s, so all the new numbers are 646.
ELAINEI was a 718 when I first moved here. I cried every night.
KRAMERListen. Heads up, Elaine. I'm gonna have to stop by later and pick up a fax.
ELAINEAt work?
KRAMERNo. At your apartment.
ELAINEI don't have a fax machine.
JERRYHere we go.
KRAMERWell, now what are we gonna do? (to Jerry) See? This is why you should get a fax and a Xerox.
JERRYAnd a dead bolt. KRAMER (to Elaine) Are ya sure you don't have one? Because there's a lot of stuff in my apartment I've never seen.
ELAINEThen maybe you have a fax machine.
KRAMERYou just blew my mind.
EXT. KRUGER'S OFFICE BUILDING - DAY - ESTABLISHING
KRUGERLet's order lunch.
INT. MEETING ROOM - DAY
Everyone is gathered around a large conference table.
KRUGERMary, I will have a chef's salad.
MALE WORKERTurkey sandwich.
GEORGET-bone steak.
KRUGERFor lunch?
GEORGEWell, I am just a T-bone kinda guy. Love that T-bone. In fact, you might as well call me--
WATKINSThat sounds good. I'll have one, too.
KRUGERWatkins, you're havin' a T-bone?
WATKINSI love 'em.
KRUGERWell, then we should call you T-bone.
GEORGEUh, no. No, we shouldn't.
KRUGERT-bone! ALL (chanting): T-bone! T-bone! T-bone! T-bone! T-bone! T-bone! T-bone! T-bone!
INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - DAY
The phone rings. Elaine enters her apartment carrying bags of groceries. She drops the bags and picks up the phone.
ELAINEHello? A fax squeal.
ELAINEWhat? She checks her answering machine.
MACHINEYou have 57 messages. Message one... Fax squeal. She skips to the next message.
MACHINEMessage two... Fax squeal. She skips to the next message.
MACHINEMessage three...
GEORGEHey, it's George. Listen, I- She skips to the next message.
MACHINEMessage four... Fax squeal. ELAINE Kramer! The phone rings. Elaine hesitates and lets it ring. She finally caves and picks it up.
EALINEHello? Another fax squeal.
ELAINEAah!
EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY - ESTABLSIHING
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY
JERRYWell Cindy, the place looks great. She grabs her money off the counter.
CINDYThanks Jerry, gotta run.
JERRYOk, I'll see ya. As Cindy leaves, Jerry gives her a big kiss. Elaine shows up and watches, amused.
CINDYHi, Elaine. Jerry groans as Elaine enters and Cindy exits.
ELAINEAll right! You're foolin' around with your maid. That is a wise decision.
JERRYElaine, do you think I would go willy-nilly into a situation so obviously fraught with potential complications?
ELAINEYou are paying a woman to come to your house and sleep with you.
JERRYNo. I pay her to clean. The rest is--
ELAINEWhat? A health plan?
JERRYI was going to say, "Being a good host."
ELAINEOh-ho-ho. Oh.
JERRYBut the point is we have our personal relationship, and we have our work relationship. They're separate and, I think, some what sophisticated.
ELAINESo you consider this a relationship?
JERRYYes, I do.
ELAINEOh. Have you been out?
JERRYYes, we have.
ELAINEWhere did you go?
JERRYThe store.
ELAINEMm! To get what?
JERRYStuff.
ELAINECleaning supplies?
JERRYAnd gum.
ELAINEOh. Well, there's nothin' more sophisticated than diddlin' the maid and then chewin' some gum.
JERRYShe's not a maid. She might be a news woman! Kramer enters.
KRAMERHey. Well, I just saw Madeline off. Yeah. She's in a cab and--nguh nguh nguh--on her way. I miss her already. Kramer sits down on the couch.
ELAINEHey, Kramer, what was it you were having faxed to my house every 30 seconds?
KRAMERWell, I signed up for a food delivery service, Now We're Cookin'. That's a play on words. You know, they're faxing me the menus from some restaurants.
ELAINEWhich ones?
KRAMERWell, all of them. It's the deluxe package.
ELAINESo this is never gonna stop?
KRAMERWell, it better not. Paid for the whole year. So, should I pick those up later?
ELAINEYou can pick 'em up right now. Elaine imitates the fax squeal right into Kramer's ear.
KRAMERAh!
EXT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - DAY - ESTABLISHING
INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - DAY
She fondles a candle stick as a phone man fixes her phone.
ELAINE (thinking): I wonder if anyone knows he's here. If he just disappeared...would anybody notice?
PHONE MANAll right, miss Benes, all finished. Here's your new number.
ELAINEAhem. 646? What is this?
PHONE MANThat's your new area code.
ELAINEI thought 646 was just for new numbers.
PHONE MANThis is a new number.
ELAINENo, no, no, no. It's not a new number. It's--it's--it's just a changed number. See? It's not different. It's the same, just...changed.
PHONE MANLook, I work for the phone company. I've had a lot of experience with semantics, so don't try to lure me into some maze of circular logic.
ELAINEYou know, I could've killed you, and no one would've known.
PHONE MANI could've killed you, and no one would've known.
EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT - ESTABLISHING
JERRYKramer, you're still on the phone?
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Kramer is sitting on the couch with a blanket. He's on the phone.
KRAMERMadeline and I are watching Quincy together. Jerry, you know this comes on at the same time here as it does there?
JERRYReally? It's Tuesday here. What day is it there? KRAMER (into phone): Jerry's teasing. Uh-oh! Commercial. Oh, you going to the bathroom? Yeah. I'll go, too. Kramer gets up and Jerry grabs the phone from him.
JERRYMadeline stays here. George enters.
JERRYHey, T-bone!
GEORGENo. No T-bone.
JERRYNo T-bone? KRAMER (from bathroom): Hey, is that T-bone?!
JERRYNo! There's no T-bone!
KRAMERWell, why no T-bone?!
JERRYWhy no T-bone?
GEORGE'Cause Neil Watkins from accounting is T-bone! Kramer returns from the bathroom and picks up the phone.
KRAMEROh, yeah I'm back. Hey, you wanna play cards over the phone? Kramer opens the door.
KRAMEROh, hey, uh, listen, Jerry, uh, laundry's pilin' up there. You might want to tell your girlfriend. Mmm. Yeah. Kramer leaves.
GEORGEYour girlfriend is doin' your laundry? KRAMER (from hallway): He's sleeping with his maid!
GEORGEYou're sleepin' with the maid?
JERRYYes.
GEORGEI've done that. Did you ever eat an ostrich burger?
JERRYNo.
EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - DAY
Elaine and a man are talking.
MANYou're probably one of those women who doesn't like to give out her number.
ELAINENo, I'm not. Here you go.
MAN646?
ELAINEIt's a new area code.
MANWhat area? New Jersey?
ELAINENo, no. It's right here in the city. It's the same as 212. They just multiplied it by 3, and then they added one to the middle number. It's the same.
MANDo I have to dial a one first? Elaine nods and the man crumples up her number.
MANI'm really kinda seein' somebody.
ELAINEYeah? Well, so am I!
EXT. KRUGER'S OFFICE BUILDING - DAY - ESTABLISHING
GEORGEExcuse me. Can I talk to you for a second there, Watkins?
INT. KRUGER'S OFFICE BUILDING - DAY
George and Watkins stand just outside the conference room talking.
WATKINSIt's T-bone.
GEORGEThe thing is...I'm supposed to be T-bone.
WATKINSHeh heh. You're not a T-bone. You're a perfect George.
GEORGEWhat? Now, you listen to me! Kruger and a few other people watch George through the window of the conference room door.
KRUGERHey, look at George. He's givin' it to T-bone. He's jumpin' up and down like some kind of monkey. Hey, what was the name of that monkey that could read sign language?
WATKINSAll right, you can have T-bone. Stop crying. GEORGE (sniffling): I'm not crying. And I shouldn't have said that about your wife. Please accept my apologies. Watkins and George enter the conference room.
GEORGEOk, everybody, uh...I have an announcement to make. From now on, I will be known as-
KRUGERKoko the monkey.
GEORGEWhat? ALL (chanting): Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko!
INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - DAY
Elaine walks down the hallway. Two people exit an apartment.
MANThank you both for being here.
EALINEUm, excuse me. I live in the building. Did something happen to Mrs. Krantz?
MANShe passed.
ELAINEOh, I'm so sorry.
MANThank you.
ELAINEA quick question-- did she by any chance have a 212 phone number?
EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY - ESTABLISHING
CINDYI can't find my earring. Oh, here it is.
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY
Cindy walks into Jerry's bedroom. Kramer enters.
KRAMERHey, listen, can I borrow your suitcases?
JERRYYeah. It's in your closet.
KRAMERNo, no, no. I looked.
JERRYThey're behind my skis and my tennis racket.
KRAMERThanks, buddy.
JERRYWhere you goin'?
KRAMERHuh? Well, I'm gettin' out of town. I'm gonna visit Madeline for the weekend. You know, this place is lookin' kinda messy. What happened to Cindy?
JERRYWell, she's here. She just didn't get around to it.
KRAMEROh. Cindy comes from Jerry's bedroom.
CINDYHi, Kramer. She picks up her money from the counter.
CINDYThanks, Jerry. Bye. She leaves.
KRAMERWell, what's the matter?
JERRYWhat did I just pay for?
KRAMERUh-oh. You're a john.
EXT. MONK'S RESTAURANT - DAY - ESTABLISHING
JERRYKoko?
INT. MONK'S RESTAURANT - DAY
George and Jerry are sitting at the counter.
GEORGEKoko.
JERRYWell, it's probably the most intelligent ape there is.
GEORGEYeah. So, how's Cindy the maid?
JERRYWell, everything's goin' great except, basically, I'm payin' for sex.
GEORGETell me about it. I went out with this girl last week. First I had to pay for dinner, then--
JERRYNo, George. She's coming over and not cleaning. It's like I'm seein' a prostitute.
GEORGEHow much you pay this maid?
JERRY40.
GEORGE40? I'm payin' 60 to my maid. She doesn't do laundry and I'm gettin' nothin'. All right. Once she pinched my ass, but I don't know what that was.
JERRYI don't know what this is. Kramer enters and sits at the counter so George is between him and Jerry.
KRAMERHey, hey, hey. Look at that. Kramer shows of his I Love New York shirt.
JERRYOoh.
KRAMERJerry, you wouldn't believe what it's like down there. Taxicab drivers are insane. You know, everybody is in a hurry.
GEORGEI can't eat with you leanin' over like this. Just look straight forward.
KRAMERWell, now I can't see Jerry.
JERRYI look about the same.
GEORGEWhat?
JERRYI was talking to him.
KRAMERWhat?
JERRYNever mind.
KRAMERCome on. What'd he say?
GEORGENever mind.
KRAMERJerry, come on. What'd you say? Kramer and Jerry try to talk to each other by leaning back and forth, but keep missing each other. Jerry leans forward to look at Kramer, but Kramer leans back. Kramer leans forward, Jerry leans back.
JERRYWhat?
KRAMERCome on. Where'd you go?
JERRYGo back.
KRAMEREh! Come on. What did you say?
JERRYI said, never mind.
KRAMERYeah. I know that. Uh, uh.
JERRYI hate the counter. Elaine enters and sits at the counter next to Jerry.
ELAINEHey.
JERRYHey.
ELAINEI hate the counter.
KRAMERWho's that? ELAINE (to Jerry): Well, I got a 212 number from this little old lady in my building-- Mrs. Krantz.
JERRYOh, she didn't mind?
ELAINENo. She died.
JERRYHey, that's great.
GEORGEWhat happened to Mrs. Krantz?
JERRYElaine got a new number because she died.
KRAMERNewman died?
ELAINEWhat did he say?
JERRYSome new kind of pie.
GEORGEI'll try a piece.
KRAMERAll right, who's down there?
JERRYHey, there's a booth. They all get up to move.
KRAMERHey, Elaine.
ELAINEOh, hi.
KRAMERDid you hear about Newman?
ELAINEWhat? Kramer whimpers.
EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY - ESTABLISHING
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY
Jerry is cleaning his kitchen and Cindy is reclined on the sofa. George enters.
GEORGEHey.
JERRYSo how's it goin' at work? They get tired of it?
GEORGEOh, yeah. He unfurls a jersey that reads, "Koko 00."
JERRYDouble zero?
GEORGEIt's "ooh" As in "ooh ooh ah ah."
CINDYYour nickname's Koko? One of the girls down at the maid service is named Coco.
GEORGEReally? Coco?
CINDYYeah. Coco. That girl's all right. Cindy gets up and goes into Jerry's bedroom.
GEORGEYou know, if I could get this Coco woman down to Kruger, they wouldn't be able to call me Koko anymore because Kruger would never allow 2 Kokos.
JERRYSounds like he runs a real tight ship.
GEORGESay good-bye to Koko. George leaves as Kramer enters.
JERRYGood-bye, Koko.
KRAMERBye, Koko. Whew! Jerry, this relationship is killing me. The distance, the longing, the distance, the-- you know, I didn't realize it, but I'm a needy person.
JERRYKramer, maybe this relationship isn't for you.
KRAMEROh, yeah? So what am I supposed to do, be more like you? All sealed up in here, emotionally unavailable, paying scrubwomen for sexual favors! No! Jerry, I won't be like you! Never! I'll never be like you! Kramer storms out of the apartment and Cindy returns.
CINDYWhat was that?
JERRYI didn't hear anything.
CINDYAll right, I'm takin' off. Aren't you forgetting something?
JERRYOh, right! Hey, it was great seeing you again. I love your outfit.
CINDYNo. My money.
JERRYFor what?
CINDYFor my maid services. You booked me for today.
JERRYBut you didn't really do any work.
CINDYI made the bed.
JERRYBut you took a nap in it.
CINDYSo?
JERRYI thought that was kind of girlfriend bed making.
CINDYNo. That was the maid.
JERRYWell, who took the nap?
CINDYThe girlfriend.
JERRY$40 seems kind of steep for a nap.
CINDYSo, what are you saying? That I'm a bad maid or some kind of a prostitute?
JERRYHo, ho...ho! Hold on. Let's keep this sophisticated.
CINDYYou know, I don't think I want to be your girlfriend or your maid.
JERRYSo is this a breakup/quitting?
CINDYYeah. Don't ever call me or hire me again. Cindy walks out of Jerry's apartment.
JERRYOh, yeah? Well, then, we're through! And you're fired!
EXT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - DAY - ESTABLISHING
PHONE MANSign here.
ELAINEYes! 212.
INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - DAY
Elaine and the phone man.
ELAINEHey, what happened to the guy I had last time?
PHONE MANOh, you know, it's an odd thing. He went out on a job and never came back. Nobody knows what happened. The phone man leaves and the phone rings.
ELAINEAll right! I am back in the game. She picks up the phone.
ELAINEHello?
BOYGammy!
ELAINENo. You got the wrong number, kid.
BOYGammy Krantz, it's your grandson Bobby. Why haven't you called?
ELAINEOh...nuts.
BOYDo you hate me 'cause of my lazy eye?
ELAINENo. It's just that I've been kind of buried over here.
EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT - ESTABLISHING
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Elaine and Jerry are playing Battleship.
JERRYSo the kid doesn't know his grandmother is dead? G-5?
ELAINEHit. No. I guess his parents didn't want to tell him. B-2?
JERRYMiss.
ELAINEHe called 6 times yesterday. What a nightmare it must be to have a real family.
JERRYI wouldn't worry about it. B-6?
ELAINEHit. Uhh...you sank my submarine.
JERRYElaine... Elaine makes an explosion sound. Jerry nods in approval. The phone rings and Jerry answers. INTERCUT: JERRY'S APARTMENT/PHONE BOOTH
JERRYHello?
COMPUTER VOICEYou have a collect call from--
KRAMERHey, buddy, don't say no!
JERRYI accept.
KRAMERI went down to Madeline's. I told her, "You gotta move, or it's over."
JERRYWell, what happened? Elaine gets up and leaves.
KRAMERI think it's over. We had a big fight, she threw me out, I started walkin', and now I'm lost downtown! I don't have any money. I don't recognize anybody. I miss home, and I don't even know how to get there.
JERRYWhat's around you?
KRAMERI'm lookin' at Ray's Pizza. You know where that is?
JERRYIs it Famous Ray's?
KRAMERNo. It's Original Ray's.
JERRYFamous Original Ray's?
KRAMERIt's just Original, Jerry!
JERRYWell, what street are you on?
KRAMERHey, I'm on first and first. How can the same street intersect with itself? I must be at the nexus of the universe.
JERRYJust wait there. I'll pick you up, and, Kramer, stay alive no matter what occurs, I will find you!
KRAMERAah! Jerry leaves.
EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT
Jerry finds a man waiting by his car.
MANYou Steinfeld?
JERRYYeah.
MANMy name is Maxwell. I'm from Maid To Order. It's a pun. I sent one of my girls over to your place.
JERRYCindy.
MANShe says she had a little problem with you. You didn't pay.
JERRYYou know, she didn't really do what she was supposed to do.
MANOh, yeah? She told me what you like. You're a little sickie, aren't you? Disinfectant on the blinds, vacuuming the counter--
JERRYHey, come on. Come on. I gotta live around here.
MANYou know what I do to people who stiff me on a job?
JERRYWhat?
MANWell, it kinda depends on the situation, but if I don't get my money from you, I'm gonna get it from her.
JERRYI don't want to make trouble. You want the money? Here.
MANHey! Wait, wait, wait! Whoa! Give it to the girl. I'm an independent contractor. Tax purposes.
INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Elaine is sitting on her couch flipping through a magazine. She's on the phone.
ELAINEBobby, you gotta stop calling your Gammy. Why? Because sometimes you call very early in the morning when Gammy has been out late the night before and sometimes when Gammy's not alone. Your parents still haven't said anything to you about your Gammy? (sighs) All right, here we go. (coughing) Gammy doesn't feel so good. I think Gammy might be dying. Yep. Yep. Ok. Good-bye, Bobby. Don't call anymore. I'm dead now. Gotta go. Bobby dials 911.
BOBBY9-1-1.
EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT
Jerry is driving down the street when he sees Cindy walking on the sidewalk.
JERRYNexus of the universe. Hey, Cindy. Cindy.
CINDYWhat do you want?
JERRYHere. I got your money.
CINDYI don't want any money from you.
JERRYCome on. Take it. It's money. Let me give it to ya. A police cruiser pulls up with lights on.
POLICELooking for a good time, sir? You wanna step out of the car, sickie?
JERRYWell, this is all very sophisticated.
INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Elaine is sitting on the sofa reading when there is a pounding on the door. The door bursts open and some fire fighters run in.
FIREMANAll right, hang on, Gammy! You're gonna make it!
ELAINEAah!
EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT
Kramer is waiting near a phone booth with a suitcase. A car pulls up. It's Maxwell.
MAXWELLHey, you look a little lost. You from around here?
KRAMERUh, no.
MAXWELLYou know where you're going?
KRAMERNot really. My friend was supposed to pick me up, but I don't know where he is.
MAXWELLDoesn't sound like much of a friend. You got any money?
KRAMERUh, no.
MAXWELLYou wanna make some?
KRAMEROk.
MAXWELLDo you know how to use a mop wringer?
KRAMERYeah, yeah.
MAXWELLWhy don't you get in the car? Kramer hops in.
KRAMERHi. Ahh...these are soft seats. The two drive off.
EXT. KRUGER'S OFFICE BUILDING - NIGHT - ESTABLISHING
KRUGERHey, Koko, Who's this?
INT. MEETING ROOM - NIGHT
Everyone is gathered again around the conference table. George is standing introducing the newest employee.
GEORGEThis is our new Vice-president of Acquisitions, sir.
KRUGERSo you're just hiring new people now? That's your job, to hire people?
GEORGEYes?
KRUGEROk, good enough for me, Koko. George sits down.
KRUGERAhem. Now, what's your name?
COCOMy name is Coco. Coco Higgins.
GEORGECoco?
KRUGERWe can't have 2 Cocos. So I guess you're back to being George.
GEORGEWell, it was a hell of a ride.
KRUGERAll right, the Grace building. There's a big stain on the front. How do we get it off?
COCOWhen I was a little girl in Jamaica, my Gammy taught me to take a wet rag and in a circ--
GEORGEAh, excuse me, Vice-president Coco, no one cares about your Gammy.
COCOWhat did you say about my Gammy?
GEORGEForget Gammy.
KRUGERWho's Gammy?
GEORGEThere's no Gammy.
KRUGERMaybe there should be a Gammy.
GEORGEOh, no.
KRUGERGeorge. ALL (chanting): Gammy! Gammy! Gammy! Gammy! Gammy! Gammy! Gammy!
GEORGEGammy's gettin' upset!
[END SHOW]