The Puerto Rican Day

INT. JERRY'S CAR - DAY

The gang drives along in Jerry's car with the top down. Elaine and Kramer sit in the back, George is shotgun, and Jerry behind the wheel.

GEORGEMan, I'm starving.

ELAINEHow can you be hungry after what you ate at that Mets game?

GEORGEBecause ballpark food doesn't count as real food.

JERRYRight. It's just an activity. It's like that paddle with the ball and the rubber band.

KRAMERYou know, my friend Bob Saccamano made a fortune off of those. See he came up with the idea for the rubber band. Before that, people would just hit the ball, and it would fly away.

JERRYI can't believe you all made me leave before the end of the game.

ELAINEOh, come on, Jerry. It was 9 to nothing. We were getting shellacked.

GEORGEThose nachos are killing me.

ELAINEI thought you were hungry.

GEORGEIt's complicated.

KRAMERCome on, Jerry, you're going to miss the exit.

JERRYKeep your shirt on. I got it.

ELAINEWatch out for that maroon Golf.

KRAMEROh, boy.

JERRYLook at this guy. He's trying to box me out.

KRAMERI'll tell you when you can go. Wait, wait, wait, Wait-- now, now, now. No, no, no. Go, go! No, no. Wait-- now, now! Now! Jerry! Go--ahh... Jerry swerves into another lane. Lamar, the driver of the maroon Golf honks the horn.

JERRYOh, calm down, maroon Golf. He thinks I cut him off. He accelerated.

KRAMERYou want me to moon him? Ooh, let's moon him. Roll up your window. Let's do a pressed ham under glass.

ELAINEOh, no, I couldn't do that.

KRAMERLook at this, look at this. He's giving us the finger.

ELAINEOh, all right.

KRAMERYeah. Elaine and Kramer get up to moon Lamar.

INT. JERRY'S CAR - DAY

GEORGESo I saw that new movie about the Hindenburg.

ELAINEOh, yeah. What's that called?

GEORGEBlimp: The Hindenburg Story.

JERRYHow was it?

GEORGEI found it morose. Why dwell on these negative themes?

JERRYYeah. They should make a movie about all the Hindenburg flights that made it.

GEORGEAnyway, right in the middle, the ship blows up-- burning debris, bodies falling-- and then just as this eerie silence settles over the airfield, I yelled out, "That's gotta hurt!"

JERRYHeh.

GEORGEThe place went nuts.

JERRYImagine the laugh you could have gotten if you'd yelled that out at the actual disaster.

GEORGEYeah.

KRAMERWhy are we slowing down? Music plays in the background.

JERRYWhat is that music?

GEORGEWhat's with all these flags?

JERRYOh, no.

ELAINE AND JERRYIt's the Puerto Rican Day parade!

ELAINEOhh! Oh, the city shuts down Fifth avenue. They never let anyone through. We're never getting home. Kramer stands up on the back seat.

KRAMERAll right. I'm gonna check it out. Aiee. mucho trafico.

STOCK FOOTAGEPuerto Rican Day parade.

EXT. CITY STREET - DAY

Kramer runs along the sidewalk and hops into the back seat of a black Saab.

KRAMERYeah...uhh...well, the streets are all blocked. I think every Puerto Rican in the world is out here. There is a Puerto Rican family in the car.

PUERTO RICAN MANWell, it is our day.

KRAMERWhoo. Wrong car. Sorry. Kramer hops out.

INT. JERRY'S CAR - DAY

Still sitting stopped in traffic are Elaine, Jerry, and George. They are listening to the radio.

RADIOAnd the Mets score two in the eighth inning.

JERRYSee? If we had stayed, we could have seen those runs.

GEORGEI could have had some ice cream. I think that might have calmed down the nachos.

ELAINEI'm going to miss 60 Minutes. You know, I hate to miss 60 Minutes. It's part of my Sunday weekend wind-down.

JERRYI don't know how you can unwind with that clock ticking. It makes me anxious.

KRAMERAll right, gentlemen, I scouted it out. I think we can get out over there.

JERRYBut that's a one-way street coming this way. Besides, how am I gonna get all the way over there?

GEORGEJust inch over. You worm your way.

ELAINEJust do it, Jerry. Uhh. This exhaust. I'm gonna throw up.

KRAMERYou know, you should make yourself throw up.

ELAINEHuh?

KRAMERYou know you're going to.

JERRYAll right, I'm worming.

KRAMERHey, Jerry. You know who the grand marshal is of this thing? None other than Miss Chita Rivera.

JERRYThey're not letting me in.

GEORGEMy hand is out.

JERRYWell, I think we're gonna need more than a hand. They have to see a human face.

ELAINEYou sure you want his face?

KRAMERNo, no, no. It was Mara Conchita Alonso.

GEORGEThis guy's giving me the stare-ahead.

JERRYThe stare-ahead. I hate that. I use it all the time.

GEORGELook at me! I am man! I am you! The man in the other car looks over at George. Elaine, sitting behind George, aids in the cause by pleading to the man by mouthing the words, "Hi, can we go in?"

GEORGEAll right, he's letting you in. Thank you! Creep.

KRAMEROh! I know who it is. Stacy Keach.

JERRYOne more lane to go.

GEORGEAll right! We're here! Just as Jerry is about to enter the one-way street, Lamar and his maroon Golf cut him off.

LAMAROh, look who's here. My old buddy, black Saab.

JERRYMaroon Golf.

LAMARWhere you goin', black Saab? You seem to be a tad askew.

JERRYCould you move your car back a little?

LAMAROh. Sorry. I seem to have cut you off.

ELAINEAll right, I think I know where this is going, and I am going somewhere else. Elaine pushes George's seat forward slamming his head onto the dashboard. She gets out.

JERRYYou can't do that. You can't just leave the group.

ELAINEI've been trying to leave this group for 10 years. Vaya con dios.

KRAMERCon dios? Well, that's rude.

JERRYCan you believe her?

GEORGEYeah. I'll see you later.

JERRYWhere are you going?

GEORGEThe movies. Blimp is playing right there.

JERRYYou're going to that again? Why? Just to do that stupid line?

GEORGEIt's a performance, Jerry. Like what you do.

JERRYThat's not what I do.

GEORGEIsn't it?

JERRYMaybe a little. Ah, hell, I guess it is. George leaves.

KRAMERYou know, actually, Jerry, you haven't worked a room that big in a while.

STOCK FOOTAGETaxis stuck in traffic.

INT. TAXI CAB - DAY

Elaine sits in the back.

ELAINELook at that guy's dog. I hate it when their ears get flipped inside out like that. Why doesn't he fix it? She moves so she can yell out the driver's open window. ELAINE (yelling): Hey! Fold your dog's ear back! She leans back.

ELAINEOoh! This isn't moving! I could walk faster than this.

CAB DRIVERNo, you can't.

ELAINEYes, I can. Here. I'm outta here. She pays her fare and gets out.

EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - CONTINUOUS

She starts to walk. The cab starts to move.

ELAINEOh, now it's moving. Oh, yeah. I knew it. Hey! Hey! The cab stops and she gets back in.

INT. TAXI CAB - CONTINUOUS

CAB DRIVERWhere to?

ELAINEThat's cute. That's really cute. Oh! Come on! All right. Bye again. She pays and gets out again.

EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - CONTINUOUS

Again, the cab starts moving when she gets out.

ELAINEHey. Taxi! Taxi! She starts to run after the taxi which starts to move faster.

INT. MOVIE THEATER - DAY

George sits down next to two attractive women.

GEORGELadies. I, uh, I haven't seen this before.

LADY 1What is that dot?

LADY 2Oh, I think someone has one of those funny laser pointers. A red laser moves around the movie screen. Everyone laughs as the dot rests on the breasts of the movie actress.

INT. MOVIE LOBBY - DAY

The laser pointer guy uses his laser to point at a box of Skittles and RC Cola.

LASER GUYGimme a box of those and one of those.

GEORGEExcuse me, are you the guy with that funny laser?

LASER GUYThe laser's not funny. I'm funny.

GEORGEYeah. The thing is, I, uh...I had this little zinger of my own I wanted to try.

LASER GUYUh-huh.

GEORGEIt's right in the explosion scene. So if you could just...leave me a little window. You know, my, uh, my aunt had a thing removed with a laser. All right, I don't want to interrupt your meal, so...

INT. JERRY'S CAR - DAY

Kramer and Jerry sit listening to the radio.

RADIO What a comeback for the New York Mets-- 6 runs in the bottom of the ninth.

JERRYI've gotta see this game. If it wasn't for this guy, we could get out of here.

LAMARThis traffic's a killer, ain't it?

KRAMERYou want to get outta here? Here's what we do. We leave the car here, we take the plates off, we scratch the serial number off the engine block, and we walk away.

JERRYWalk away?

KRAMERYou've got insurance. You tell them that the car was stolen, and then you get another one free.

JERRYIsn't there a deductible?

KRAMERAll right, what is your deductible?

JERRYI don't know.

KRAMERYes, because they've already deducted it.

JERRYFrom what?

KRAMERThe car, which we're leaving. So the net is zero. See you pocket the money, if there is any, and you get a new car.

JERRYWe're not leaving the car!

KRAMERAll right. If you refuse to grow up and scam your insurance company, you'll have to work this out with maroon Golf.

JERRYAbsolutely not. He sped up.

RADIOSwung on, line hard toward left center field. That's in the gap, that's a base hit.

JERRYI'm ready to talk.

INT. MOVIE THEATER - DAY

George and the ladies are sitting in their seats.

LADY 1Hey! There's that laser guy again.

LADY 2He's funny. I never meet anyone funny.

LADY 1I know. A sense of humor is so much more important to me than looks or hair.

LADY 2Mmm, yeah. There's an explosion on the screen. The laser moves around the screen and everyone laughs.

GEORGEThat's gotta hurt! Everyone stops laughing.

GEORGEIt's...gotta hurt! Hurt! Because...Aaarrrrrgh! George stands up.

GEORGEDamn you, laser guy! You had to grab it all with your lowbrow laser shtick! You're just a prop comic! Where's the craft?! The laser guy points the laser at George's head.

LADY 1Look! It's on the bald guy.

LADY 2I am so glad we came to this showing.

EXT. CITY STREET - DAY

Kramer is talking to Lamar while Jerry waits in his car. Kramer walks to Jerry.

KRAMEROk, here's the deal. He wants you to acknowledge that you cut him off with an "I am sorry" wave.

JERRYWhat's that?

KRAMERYou raise the hand, lower the head-- "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. The buttons are really big on the car. I don't understand it. I haven't read the manual. Ooh!" You get my drift.

JERRYOk! Jerry puts both hands up over his head and does the "I'm Sorry" wave.

LAMARHallelujah. Praise the lord. But I'll take it.

KRAMERYes! All right, Lamar, back it up a little bit so we can get out now. Kramer gets in the car. George shows up and climbs into the back seat.

GEORGEAll right. At last, we're finally gettin' out of here.

JERRYWhat's that on your forehead?

GEORGEIt's probably chocolate.

JERRYHey, is that one of those laser pointers?

KRAMERHey, Jerry, crank up the Floyd. It's a George laserium!

GEORGEAll right, stop it! Stay away from my breasts! Chest!

JERRYSee ya around maroon Golf. And, by the way, that was an "I'm not sorry" wave.

LAMARWhat was that?

JERRYI'm glad I cut you off, because black Saab rules! So long, jackass! As Jerry pulls into the one way street, a taxi comes down the street and blocks him in. In the taxi is Elaine.

JERRYElaine?!

ELAINEJerry?!

LAMARJackass? So I'm a jackass now?

EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY - ESTABLISHING

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

The apartment is empty.

EXT. CITY STREET - DAY

Jerry stands in front of the one way street yelling at the cars.

JERRYSo if everyone would just put their cars in reverse at the same time, we can do this. All right, on the count of three. Can everyone hear me? Hey, amigo, are you paying attention?

PUERTO RICAN MANBuenos dias, my friend.

JERRYNot you! The guy in the Amigo.

INT. TAXI CAB - DAY

Elaine sits frustrated in the cab.

ELAINEUh, well, uh, here--here is good.

TAXI DRIVEROh, yeah, sure, and now I'm gonna be stuck here. But you knew the way to go! You went to college!

ELAINEHey, I went to Tufts! That was my safety school! So don't talk to me about hardship. She pays the driver and gets out.

EXT. CITY STREET - DAY

Elaine walks up to Jerry.

ELAINEBoy, eh, can you believe this mess?

JERRYElaine, why did you have the cab come down the street?! We were almost out!

LAMARSo that was your girlfriend that blocked you in. That's real good.

ELAINEI'm not his girlfriend. Well, actually, we used to date, but not anymore.

JERRYElaine, he doesn't need-

LAMARUsed to date? So I guess you found out he's a jackass.

JERRY'Cause that's what's gonna happen. Kramer and George walk along eating churros.

KRAMERWow. He's givin' you a mustache. Where is this guy?

GEORGEDon't look around. Don't look around. That's what he wants.

ELAINEAll right. Well, I'll see ya. Hey, George, I think there's a sniper lookin' to pop ya. Elaine leaves.

GEORGEThis thing can't hurt me, can it? I mean, it is a laser. What if it hits my eye?

JERRYI don't know.

GEORGEI can't be blind, Jerry The blind are courageous.

KRAMERYou'll be fine as long as it doesn't hit you right in the pupil, 'Cause then the whole ball will go up like the Death Star. Tchoo! I gotta go find a bathroom. Kramer leaves.

JERRYHold it, George. Don't move. It's right between your eyes.

GEORGEOh, my god.

JERRYHey, there's the soda guy.

LAMARHey, jackass! Get me a diet Dr. Pepper! JERRY (exasperated): All right! George stands petrified.

EXT. BARRICADE - DAY

A police barricade set up on the parade route prevents a crowd of people from crossing. Elaine pushes her way through the crowd.

OLDER MANHey, hey, hey!

OLDER WOMANWha--ow!

ELAINEOh, this is nuts! I can't get across anywhere!

OLDER MANWell, none of us can! We're trapped!

OLDER WOMANOw!

ELAINEHey! Hey, everyone. This way. I think we can get out through here. Elaine picks up a nylon flap that covers the sides of some bleachers.

OLDER MANOh, I don't know if that's such a good idea.

ELAINELook! No one knows how long this parade is gonna last! They are a very festive people. All I know is that it's Sunday night, and I have got to unwind! Now who's with me?!

OLDER WOMANFather?

PRIESTNone of us saw the nylon flap. That might mean something.

PREGNANT WOMANOh, all right, all right! People start going under the bleachers.

ELAINEAll right! Come on. Come on. Let's go. Let's go.

BUSINESS MANBut it's dark!

ELAINEGet in there!

EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - DAY

Kramer looks for a bathroom. He sees a sign that reads, "Rest rooms are for patrons only." There's another sign that reads apartment for sale.

INT. APARTMENT - DAY

There's a knock at the door and the sales woman answers it. It's Kramer.

KRAMERYes, uh, I'm interested in the apartment.

SALES WOMANYes! Come in, come in.

KRAMEROk.

SALES WOMANI'm Christine Nyhart.

KRAMEROh. Delicious to meet you.

SALES WOMANDid the broker send you over?

KRAMERUh, yes, most likely, yes. I'm, uh, H.E. Pennypacker. I'm a wealthy industrialist and philanthropist and, uh, a bicyclist. And, um, yes, I'm looking for a place where I can settle down with my, uh, peculiar habits, and, uh, the women that I frequent with. (sniffing wall) Mmm. Mombassa, hmm?

SALES WOMANThe asking price is $1.5 million.

KRAMEROh, I spend that much on after shave. Yes, I buy and sell men like myself every day. Now, I assume that there's a waterfall grotto?

SALES WOMANNo.

KRAMERHow about a bathroom?

SALES WOMANIt has 4.

KRAMERYes, and where would the absolute nearest one be?

SALES WOMANJust down the hall.

KRAMEROh, thank you. He saunters to the bathroom.

INT. BLEACHERS - DAY

Elaine leads everyone under the bleachers. Food falls from the bleachers landing on them.

ELAINEOh, don't worry. We'll get you home to your husband real soon.

PREGNANT WOMANI'm not married.

ELAINEWell, I, for one, really respect that.

PREGNANT WOMANOh, thank you. ELAINE (whispering): Hey! Guess who's not married.

OLDER MANIs the boyfriend still in the picture?

ELAINECome on, father, you can make it.

PRIESTNo, I can't. I've got a bad hip. Go on without me.

ELAINENo! I won't!

PRIESTLeave me! you must.

ELAINEAll right. Take it easy.

ELAINEAll right, we can move faster without father o'gimpy.

PRIESTI heard that!

EXT. CITY STREET - DAY

Jerry stands next to his car with a drink.

LAMARYou know, I don't think I've ever seen a man driving a Saab convertible. Still haven't. JERRY (sarcastically): Ho ho! George returns wearing mirrored sunglasses.

JERRYWhat seems to be the problem, officer?

GEORGEThey're for protection, Jerry. Can you tell where I'm lookin'?

JERRYAt me?

GEORGENo.

JERRYOh. It's back.

GEORGEBring it on, baby

JERRYWhat if it gets in the side?

GEORGEThe side?

JERRYYeah. Wouldn't it just bounce back and forth between your cornea and the mirror, faster and faster, getting more and more intense, until finally- George rips off his glasses.

GEORGEAll right!

JERRYOh. It's in your eye now. George runs off screaming. Kramer runs up to Jerry with a Puerto Rican flag draped around him.

KRAMERHola, Jerry! I'm into this Puerto Rican day! The sights! The sounds! The hot, spicy flavor of it all! It's caliente, Jerry!

JERRYKramer, the Mets have got men on base!

KRAMERYeah, I know! I was watchin' the game.

JERRYYou were watchin'? Where?

INT. APARTMENT - DAY

Jerry sits in the apartment watching TV.

JERRYOh, that was a strike! Did you see that?!

SALES WOMANWould you like to see the rest of the apartment, Mister, um--

JERRYEh...Varnsen. Kel Varnsen. Actually, this room intrigues me. Why is it called the TV room?

SALES WOMANWell, it's--

JERRYBalk?! How was that a balk?! You have any snacks?

SALES WOMANMr. Varnsen, if you like the apartment, I should tell you I've also had some interest from a wealthy industrialist.

JERRYNot Pennypacker!

SALES WOMANYou know him?

JERRYI wish I didn't. Brace yourself, madam, for an all-out bidding war. But this time, advantage Varnsen!

INT. JERRY'S CAR - DAY

George and Kramer sit in the car. George looks in the rear view mirror.

GEORGEWait a second. I think I see where that laser guy is. No! Don't look! Don't look. Oh, yeah, that's him. Ok. I'm gonna sneak up on him. Now the hunted becomes the hunter. George exits the car.

INT. BLEACHERS - DAY

Elaine and the group reach the end of the bleachers.

ELAINEWe should be able to get across right through here! She lifts the nylon flap to find a brick wall.

OLDER WOMANIt's a dead end!

ELAINEOh, no! I thought--

BUSINESS MANYou thought?! We're gonna die in the dark! I knew it! I knew it! We're gonna die!

ELAINEGet a hold of yourself! Elaine slaps the man. He shoves her, she shoves back. They grab each other and kiss.

PREGNANT WOMANOh, come on! OLDER WOMAN Oooh!

ELAINESorry. Somebody...help us!

EXT. BLEACHERS - DAY

Lots of people sit on the bleachers. A cop stands guard.

MAN!Mira! !Mira! Stacy Keach!

ELAINEWe're down here! Help!

MANThere's people down there! Hold on! They lift the floorboards to reveal Elaine and her group.

ELAINELet us out. There's an unmarried pregnant woman down here.

PREGNANT WOMANDon't judge me!

ELAINEHelp us up so we can cross the street?

POLICE OFFICERNah, nah, You can't cross here. There's a parade.

ELAINEBut we've come so far. We just want to unwind.

POLICE OFFICERHey, what can I tell ya? They close the floor boards.

INT. BLEACHERS - DAY

BUSINESS MANWanna make out some more?

ELAINEOh, god! Let us out!

EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - DAY

George hides behind a van and sees a man with a pen. He sneaks up and grabs the pen and destroys it. He ends up with ink all over his hands.

GEORGEThat wasn't a laser pen.

DELIVERY MANNo. It's just a pen. The delivery man laughs.

GEORGEOh, that's funny

DELIVERY MANNo. You have, like, a dot on your face. Whoever's doing that is very clever.

EXT. CITY STREET - DAY

Kramer lights a cigar with a sparkler.

KRAMERCome on, man. You need to lighten up. You know, a feeling like this only happens once a year. He tosses the sparkler into the back seat of Jerry's car where it lands on the Puerto Rican flag.

KRAMERYeah, it's like this every day in Puerto Rico. Lamar starts to laugh as he sees the smoke rise.

KRAMERSee, now you're getting the spirit of it, huh? Kramer smells the smoke, turns, and sees the fire.

KRAMEROoh! !Dios mio! He grabs the flag, throws it onto the sidewalk and stops on it.

MANHey! There's a guy burning the Puerto Rican flag!

BOBWho! Who is burning the flag?!

KRAMEROh, no.

BOBHim?!

CEDRICThat's not very nice.

KRAMERIt was an accident.

BOBDo you know what day this is? Because I know what day this is, they know what day this is, so I was wondering if you know what day this is!

CEDRICBecause it's Puerto Rican day.

BOBMaybe we should stomp you like you stomp the flag! What do you think of that?

KRAMERNow look, I just have one thing to say to you boys. Mama! Kramer runs off screaming. The others give chase.

INT. APARTMENT - DAY

The sales woman lets George in.

SALES WOMANRight this way, Mr. Vandelay.

GEORGEWell, this is a lovely apartment. Lovely! My kids are gonna go crazy. I, uh, I wonder if I could see the bathrooms. Preferably one with some paint thinner and, uh, some rags?

SALES WOMANIt's down the hall. George walks to the bathroom, but stops when he sees Jerry.

JERRYOh, hello...

GEORGEArt.

JERRYMr. Vandelay, of course.

SALES WOMANYou two know each other? Kramer bursts through the door.

SALES WOMANMr. Pennypacker!

KRAMERUh, yes, uh, I--I wanted to, uh, stop by and make sure that my shark tank fits-- uh, hello.

SALES WOMANMr. Pennypacker, this is Mr. Vandelay, And you know Mr. Varnsen

KRAMERUh, Varnsen.

JERRYPennypacker.

KRAMERVandelay.

GEORGEPennypacker. Varnsen.

JERRYVandelay. Wait a second. Mr. Pennypacker, if you're here, and Mr. Vandelay is also here, then who's watching the factory?

KRAMERThe factory?

JERRYThe Saab factory?

KRAMERJerry, that's in Sweden. George turns on the TV as Jerry runs to the window just in time to see a mob attacking his car.

JERRYMy car!

KRAMERWell, you know, it's like this every day in Puerto Rico.

GEORGEJerry, the Mets lost.

JERRYI love a parade!

EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - NIGHT

Jerry's car is stuck in a stairwell outside a building. Kramer, George, and Jerry admire the mob's handiwork.

GEORGEHow do you suppose they did that?

KRAMERWell...there's no logical explanation. All right. Well, shall we go home?

JERRYWell, what about my car?

KRAMERWell, Jerry, you can't deduct it now. Elaine approaches the group. She is totally disheveled with popcorn in her hair and her clothing stained.

JERRYHey, there's Elaine.

ELAINEHey.

JERRYWell, you look, uh...relaxed.

ELAINEWell, it is Sunday night, and you know how I like to unwind. Lamar drives up in his maroon Golf.

LAMARHey, black Saab. Looks like that building cut you off! Ha ha ha! See ya around! He drives off.

JERRYWell, at least he didn't-

LAMARJackass! Jerry sets his car alarm.

JERRYSomebody remember where we parked.

KRAMERThis was a fun day. It's nice to get out. The foursome walk off as a laser lights up George's rear end.

[END SHOW]