The Bris

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY (1)

JERRY, ELAINE AND GEORGE ARE VISITING WITH NEW PARENTS, MYRA AND

STAN FLICK AND THEIR BABY STEVEN. MYRA DISCREETLY BREAST FEEDS THE BABY. STAN IS IN THE MIDST OF THE HARROWING BIRTH STORY, AS JERRY

AND ELAINE ALTERNATE BETWEEN BOREDOM AND SQUIRMING. GEORGE, SITS

BY THE WINDOW, STARING OUT, IGNORING THE PROCEEDING.

STAN...And so the baby's head comes out, and I'm screaming and my brother who's been videotaping the whole thing turns green, his eyes roll up in his head and he blacks out, drops the camera, the camera breaks, then , the placenta comes flying out.

ELAINEWhoa.

STANAnd then doctor says...

JERRYThank you, that's enough.

JERRY AND ELAINE EXCHANGE GLANCE. MYRA IS BREAST FEEDING. JERRY

WINCES, HE CAN'T WATCH. HE IS VISIBLY UNSETTLED.

STANWill you look at that baby. Sucking like there's no tomorrow. Just sucking away. Suck, suck, suck... Jerry (LOOKING AWAY) Yeah, yeah, yeah.

STANLook at that Jerry, look at that. Sucking, sucking... Jerry Yeah, I looked. I saw.

STANThis doesn't make you uncomfortable, does it? Jerry Uncomfortable? Not at all. (ASIDE TO ELAINE) See your friend's wife's breast sticking out - why would that make me uncomfortable?

STANLook at him. Jerry How long do they do that?

STANOh, a year or two. Jerry No break?

STANThen comes the weaning. Jerry So after the sucking, comes the weaning. Elaine First the sucking then the weaning. Jerry Well, you gotta wean.

STANGotta wean. Elaine It's a must wean situation. PAUSE. George What about that spot I got? Jerry Yeah, that's a great spot. George You open the door to the car, boom, you walk right into the hospital. You can't beat that spot. I'm on a roll. I am just willing these great parking spots. In front of my house. In front of Jerry's building. Did I tell you about the spot in front of the post office? Jerry Yes. George I'm driving to the post office. Jerry (INTERRUPTING) George. George Maybe the baby would like to see my spot. A positive, uplifting message to start his life out with. You can still get a great space in this town - if you apply yourself. Jerry Where's KRAMER? He should've been here by now. Elaine Did you give him the room number? Jerry Yes, 1397.

CUT TO:

(Kramer, Patient, Orderlies)

ACT ONESCENE B

INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR - DAY 1

KRAMER, WANDERING.

KRAMER1937, 1937, 1937...

A WANDERING PATIENT STOPS HIM

PATIENTExcuse me. Do you know where the staircase is? KRAMER LOOKS AROUND.

KRAMERUh.. over there...

PATIENT SMILES AND EXITS. KRAMER WALKS A BIT FURTHER AND FINDS

WHAT HE THINKS IS THE STAN'S ROOM.

KRAMER (CONT'D)

1937.

HE ENTER THE ROOM. TWO ORDERLIES RUN DOWN THE HALL, FRANTICALLY

SEARCHING FOR SOMEONE.

CUT TO:

ACT ONESCENE C

IN HOSPITAL ROOM #2 - DAY 1

KRAMER LOOKS AROUND. THERE IS A PATIENT BEHIND A CURTAIN. OUTSIDE

THE CURTAIN IS A TRAY OF FOOD. HE PICKS UP THE TRAY. KRAMER IS HUNGRY AND LIKES HOSPITAL FOOD TO BOOT. AS HE STUFF HIS FACE, HE

BECOMES AWARE OF A STRANGE SOUND EMANATING FROM BEHIND THE

CURTAIN. IT SOUNDS LIKE THE "OINK" OR "SQUEAL" OF A PIG. HIS

CURIOSITY GETTING THE BEST OF HIM, WITH HIS MOUTH FULL, HE STEPS

INSIDE THE PARTITIONED AREA. A BEAT. THEN HE COMES BURSTING OUT,

SPITTING FOOD AND SCREAMING.

KRAMERPig man! It's a pig man! Pig man!

CUT TO:

(Jerry, Elaine, George, Stan, Myra, Kramer (Steven)

ACT ONESCENE D INT HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY 1

STAN..So anyway, Jerry and Elaine, we have something we want to ask you.

GEORGELook at it. I pulled it in perfectly equidistant from the car in front of me and the car behind me. Jerry Will you shut up. Elaine I'm taking a cab home. I can't take it anymore. Jerry So what were you about to say, Stan?

STANMyra and I would like you and Elaine to be the Godparents of Steven. Elaine Wow. Jerry Me? A godfather?

STANYes. Jerry (A LA DON CORLEONE) Never go against the family, Elaine. Elaine What? KRAMER ENTERS.

KRAMERThe pig-man! I saw a pig-man! He was just lying there and then he woke up. He looked up at me and made this horrible sound (MAKES SOUND). George Kramer, what the hell are you talking about?

KRAMERI'm talking about the pigman, George. I went into the wrong room and there he was. George A pigman?

KRAMERYes, a pigman. Half pig, half man. Elaine That's nice, Kramer... So, anyway, what exactly is involved in being a Godparent? Jerry (A LA DON CORLEIONE) Elaine, don't ever ask me about my business!.... (SHEEPISH) "Godfather."

MYRANothing really.

STANThe most important thing is to help with the bris. Jerry The bris? Elaine The bris?

KRAMERA bris? you mean snip snip?

STANYeah.

KRAMERI would advise against that. Elaine Kramer. It's a tradition.

KRAMERWell, so was sacrificing virgins to appease the gods, but we don't do that anymore. Jerry Well, maybe we should. George Why are all those people milling around my car?

KRAMERI don't know. Jerry Maybe they're admiring your spot.

KRAMERNo. They're all looking up. George. Oh my god, there's somebody on the roof of the hospital.

KRAMERWhoa. That's the guy who asked me where the staircase was. George Jeez, I hope he doesn't.. Oh no!

BY EVERYONE'S REACTION WE SEE HE HAS JUMPED. THEN WE HEAR THE

THUD OF THE PATIENT ON GEORGE'S CAR.

GEORGEMy car! My car!

GEORGE RACES OUT OF THE ROOM.

CUT TO:

(Jerry George, Elaine, Kramer)

ACT ONESCENE E

INT JERRY'S APARTMENT DAY (2)

JERRY, ELAINE AND KRAMER WHO SITS HIS FACE BURIED IN THE

NEWSPAPER, IGNORING THE OTHERS.

ELAINEA mohel! What the hell is a mohel? Jerry A mohel is the person who performs the circumcision. Elaine Where am I going to find a Mohel? (LOOKING THROUGH THE YELLOW PAGES, MUTTERING) How do you find a mohel? Motels, models.. Jerry Oh, finding a Mohel is a piece of cake. Any idiot can find a Mohel. I have the tough job. I have to hold the baby while they do it. How would you like that job? Elaine Have you ever seen one? Jerry You mean that wasn't - Elaine Yeah. Jerry No.. you? Elaine Ya. Jerry What'd you think? Elaine (SHAKES HER HEAD) No... Jerry Not good? Elaine No, had no face, no personality, very dull. It was like a martian. But hey, that's me. Jerry Hey.

GEORGE ENTERS WITH ESTIMATE.

GEORGEWell I just got the estimate. It's going to cost more to fix that roof than the car's worth, So I'm gonna go see the hospital administrator today. Someone's paying for that damage and it's not gonna be me. Jerry Ah, you're screwed. George I know, swan dives from twenty floors, lands right on to it. What do I have a bulls eye on there? He couldn't move over two feet? Land on the sidewalk. That's city property. What are the chances, what are the odds? He couldn't do it again if his life depended on it... Elaine Well I have to interview a Mohel. Jerry Oh, poor Elaine. Look at her. Attended the finest finishing schools on the Eastern seaboard. Equestrian competitions. Debutante balls. Well, look at you now. Interviewing Mohels.

SUDDENLY, KRAMER ENTERS, HOLDING THE PAPER, EXPLODES WITH A SPASM

OF REVELATION.

JERRYWhat's the matter? Elaine Are you alright?

KRAMERDon't even question my instincts, because my instincts are honed. (RE:PAPER) Look at that. Jerry What now? HE SHOWS JERRY THE PAPER JERRY (CONT'D) "Hospital receives grant to conduct DNA research".." Government funds genetic research at area hospital" ... Yeah, so?

KRAMERPigman, baby. Pigman. Elaine Oh, if I hear about this pigman one more time...

KRAMERI'm tellin ya the pigman is alive. The governments been experimenting with pigmen since the fifties. Jerry Will you stop it. Just because a hospital gets a grant to study DNA doesn't mean they are creating a race of mutant pigmen.

KRAMEROh. Jerry wake up to reality. It's military thing. They're probably creating a whole army of pig warriors. George I wish there were pigmen. You get a few of these pigmen walking around I'm looking a whole lot better. Then if somebody wants to fix me up at least they could say, "Hey he's no pig-man!" Jerry Believe me, there'd be plenty of women going for the pig-men. No matter what the deformity you'll find some group of perverts attracted to it. "Oo that little tail turns me on."

ELAINE GROANS AND HEADS FOR THE DOOR.

ELAINE(MUMBLES) Alright, that's about enough Jerry Oh, what's the matter you're not interested in this? Elaine No, it's fascinating, could you do me a favor, could you tape the rest of the pigmen and the women who love them discussion and I'll listen to it next time I'm here. I've got to find a Mohel.

KRAMERYou should call this off, Elaine. It's a barbaric ritual. Elaine Perhaps one day when the pigmen roam free it will be stopped. Until then, off with their heads. ELAINE LEAVES.

GEORGEBut Kramer, isn't it a question of hygiene?

KRAMEROh, that's a myth. Besides, you know, it makes sex more pleasurable. George Yeah. So how does that help me? Jerry (TO GEORGE) Hey George, have you ever seen one? George Yeah, my roommate in college. Jerry So what'd you think? George I got used to it. DISSOLVE TO:

ACT ONESCENE G (JERRY, GEORGE, KRAMER)

INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR DAY 2

JERRY AND KRAMER ENTER. PEOPLE PASS IN HALLWAY.

Jerry

Alright, I'm waiting. I want to see the pig-man. Show me the pig-

man.

KRAMEROh, don't worry. I'm gonna show him to you, and you'll never be the same. Jerry Maybe he's just a guy with a nose like this. You know a lot of people have a nose like this, they're not necessarily pig-men.

KRAMERBelieve me, Jerry, somewhere in this hospital the anguished oink of pigman cries for help. Jerry If I hear an anguished oink, I'm outta here.

KRAMERI can't let this go on. Jerry Let me understand this. So if you find the pigman, your intention is to ...emancipate him?

KRAMERThat's right. (CALLING OUT) Sue-wee! Jerry Kramer! well I don't see any pig-men. Look (HE POINTS AT PASSERBY) Human, human, human...

HE LOOKS DOWN CORRIDOR, WITH ALARM.

JERRY (CONT'D)

(WITH MOCK ALARM) Wait a minute!... Oh, that's George.

GEORGE APPROACHES.

GEORGEOkay. The administrator's on the third floor. I'll meet you guys by the car.

KRAMERYou got room for the pig-man? George The pig-man can take the bus.

KRAMERYou know, if pig-man had a car, he'd give you a ride. George How do you know? What if Pigman had a two-seater?

KRAMERCome on George, be realistic. George All right, if pig-man comes along, we'll squeeze him in. I'll see you later. GEORGE EXITS.

CUT TO:

(George, Mrs. Sweedler)

ACT ONESCENE H

INT HOSPITAL ADMINISTRATION OFFICE - DAY 2

THE ADMINISTRATOR, MRS. SWEEDLER, USHERS GEORGE IN. THEY SIT ON

EITHER SIDE OF HER DESK.

MRS. SWEEDLERMr. Costanza, come in, come in. It's been a very trying couple of days around the hospital. Patients, doctors, everyone, just grief stricken over this unfortunate occurrence. George Well, I join them in their grief. Mrs. Sweedler Horrible, just a horrible thing. Flew right past the children's wing. All the sick children, in the playroom, looking out the window, just traumatize by the incident. Apparently, they all thought he was flying. You know how children are, "Oh look. A man is flying. A man is flying" And then, splat... George Yes, splat. Exactly. Splat. That's where I come in. On splat. You see, Mrs. Sweedler, or is it hospital administrator Sweedler? Mrs. Sweedler Mrs. Sweedler's fine. George You see, that trudge affected me in a very, very personal way. Mrs. SWEEDLER How is that? George Yes, you see, the deceased landed on my car. The splat, as it were, actually took place on the roof of my car. I can't help but think that had it been a convertible this whole tragedy may have been averted but I've never been the type to buy a convertible, what with the baldness and all. Mrs. SWEEDLER Well I've known bald men who owned convertibles. They wore a hat. George Well then it's all pulled down. Anyway. The damage, unfortunately, has marred an otherwise fine automobile, rendering it virtually undriveable. Mrs. SWEEDLER (STIFFENING) Yes, well, that is a shame. George Yes, a shame. That's just how I would describe it. Now, with all due sensitivity and discretion, bearing in mind the scope of the situation, I can't help but think the hospital bears some responsibility to compensate the other, still living "victim", of this horrendous, horrendous tragedy. SHE GLARES Mrs.Sweedler Mr.Constanza. George Yes. Mrs. SWEEDLER A man plummeted tragically to his ultimate demise - George Yes. Mrs. SWEEDLER ... and you greedily, callously try to profit from it. George

(PULLING OUT ESTIMATE OUT OF HIS POCKET)

Well, profit. I think you'll see from the estimates that I'm not

really profiting that much. They might be a little high, but..

Mrs. SWEEDLER

(WITH ANGER) How dare you.

GEORGEWhat? Mrs. SWEEDLER Have you no decency? Have you no shame? George Yes.. you know, depending. Mrs. SWEEDLER Get out! Get out, now! get out of my office.

GEORGE PUTS HIS ESTIMATES ON THE DESK AND BEGINS TO EXIT.

GEORGEShould I leave these with you? Mrs. SWEEDLER Get out! HE EXITS.

CUT TO:

ACT ONESCENE J (Jerry, Kramer, resident)

INT HOSPITAL CORRIDOR DAY 2

KRAMER AND JERRY FIND PIGMAN'S ROOM. BUT, IT'S EMPTY. KRAMER

STOPS A YOUNG SMART ALECK RESIDENT. JERRY TRIES TO LOOK

INCONSPICUOUS.

KRAMERExcuse me. What happened to the man, that was in this room before? Resident I don't know what you're talking about.

KRAMERYou know. (HE PUSHES HIS NOSE UP WITH HIS THUMB). Resident No.

KRAMER(STILL HOLDING HIS NOSE UP ) This doesn't look familiar to you? Resident Sir?

KRAMERLook, I know what's going on. Oink, oink. Resident I really have some patients I have to attend to.

HE TRIES TO MOVE ON. KRAMER GRABS HIM BY THE LAPELS AND BACKS HIM

AGAINST THE WALL. JERRY LOOKS THE OTHER WAY.

KRAMER(TOUGH TALKING) Look, you little quack, I know you had a half man half pig holed up in that room, there. Now where is he?! Where is he?! Resident Half-what?

KRAMERYou know what - bacon, sausage, (A LA PORKY PIG) A-deek-a-deek-a- deek th-th-th-that's all folks. Resident Oh, the pig-man. They moved him down the hall.

KRAMER RELEASES THE RESIDENT, WHO RUNS AWAY.

Jerry

Alright Kramer, enough of this. Let's go find George.

KRAMERYou go ahead. KRAMER WALKS OFF. Jerry

KRAMERBUT HE CONTINUES WALKING.

FADE OUTEND OF ACT ONE

ACT TWOSCENE K (Jerry, Elaine, George, Kramer, Stan, Myra, Mohel man, Woman, (Steven)) INT FLICKS' DAY 3

JERRY ELAINE, KRAMER, THE FLICKS, AND ASSORTED GUESTS

Jerry

Where's the Mohel?

ELAINEHe'll be here. Jerry He's late already. Elaine Relax. You'd think you were getting whacked. Jerry How did I get to be Godfather? I don't even know him that well. Just cause we're on the softball team and I'm the pitcher and he's the catcher he thinks we have a relationship? Elaine I thought pitchers and catchers did have a special rapport. Jerry Maybe in hardball it's more involved you know they have signals and everything. I'm just lobbing it in. We don't have conferences. He doesn't come out to the mound and encourage me. Elaine What about me? I watched a few games with her sitting in the stands. Jerry Don't they have any closer friends. They're level jumping on our friendship.

ELAINEyes it is level jumping.

ANGLE ON: GEORGE TALKING TO WOMAN.

George

So uh... ever been to a bris before?

Woman

No.

George

If you fell little woozy, and it's quite common, just stay close

to me. I'll get you through it.

Woman

I'm a cardiologist. I think I can manage.

George

Oh.

ANGLE ON: KRAMER AND MYRA. SHE IS SOBBING.

KRAMERDon't believe them when they tell you it doesn't hurt. It hurts bad. It hurts really bad. Imagine, this will be his first memory. Of someone yanking the hat off his little man. I know you love your baby, but what kind of perverts would stand idly by while a stranger rips the cover off his 9-iron and then serve a catered lunch? MYRA RUNS AWAY, SOBBING KRAMER (cont'd) She'll be okay.

HE SLINKS AWAY. ELAINE ANGRILY CONFRONTS KRAMER.

Elaine

What's wrong with you?

KRAMERMe? What's wrong with you?! How can you let this go on? Elaine Hey have you ever seen one of those?

KRAMERNo. Elaine Well I have and believe me it's no picnic.

KRAMEROh, how bad could it be? Elaine (TO GATHERING) Alright. Has anybody here ever seen one? Man One what? Elaine ... you know Man I have. Woman I have. Elaine And? All (SHAKE THEIR HEADS) No... George I got used to it. SFX: DOORBELL.

RELIEVED< EVERYONE RUNS TO THE DOOR.

ALL (CONT'd)

(ADLIB) It's the mohel! the mohel is here! Thank God, the mohel

is here.

THEY OPEN THE DOOR. THE MOHEL STANDS IN THE DOORWAY WITH BAG.

EVERYONE CALMS DOWN IN HIS BEATIFIC PRESENCE AS HE ENTER. HE NODS

IN GREETING AS HE WALKS THRU THE ASSEMBLED GUESTS.

MOHELHello, hello, I'm the mohel. It's very nice to meet you all...

A PAN CLANGS TO THE GROUND. THE MOHEL SNAPS.

MOHEL (CONT'D)

Oh! What was that?!? Jeez. Scared the hell out of me. My god. I

almost had a heart attack!

THE CROWD GROWS UNEASY.

MOHEL (CONT'D)

(CALMING DOWN) Alright I'm fine, I'm fine. Anyway, we're here to

perform the mitzvah of the bris and...

SFX: BABY CRYING

MOHEL (CONT'D)

(WITH INCREASING TENSION) ...Is the baby gonna cry like that? Is

that how the baby cries, with the loud, sustained, squealing cry,

'cause that could pose a problem. Do you have any control of your

child 'cause this is the time to exercise it when baby is crying

in that high-pitched, squealing tone that can drive you

insane?!!!

MRS. FLICK TAKES THE BABY INT OTHER ROOM. THE MOHEL MASSAGES HIS

FOREHEAD.

ELAINEDid you find the place alright? Mohel Did I find it alright? I mean could you send me to a more dangerous neighborhood? I'm dreading walking back to the subway, someone shouldn't crack me over the head and steal my bag, 'accuse I'll be lying there on the street in this neighborhood and people will spit on me and empty my pockets. I'll lie in the gutter like a bum, like a dog, like a mutt, like an animal! God forbid someone should help me or call an ambulance. No, that's too much trouble to pick up a phone and press a few buttons. Ahh! What's the point. Elaine Do you feel alright? Mohel (TO ELAINE< INTERRUPTING) Darling, you see where that glass is? How that glass is near the edge of the table. You got the whole table there to put the glass, why you chose the absolute edge, so half the glass is hanging off the table, you breath and that glass falls over, then you're gonna have broken glass on the carpet, embedded in the carpet fibers, deep, deep in the shag, broken glass, bits of broken glass that you never get out. you can't get it out with a vacuum cleaner. Even on your hands and knees with a magnifying glass, you can't get all the pieces, and then you think you got it all and two years later, you're walkin' barefoot and you step on a piece of broken glass and you kill yourself, is that what you want? I don't think you want that, is it? .. Do you?

THE MOHEL BEGINS TWITCHING. ANGLE ON: ELAINE AND MYRA.

ELAINE(TO MYRA; ON THE 'QT') He's very highly recommended.

ANGLE ON: JERRY AND KRAMER

KRAMER(TO JERRY; ON THE 'QT') The mohel is twitching. Mohel Who's holding the baby? Hello! Who is holding the baby?!? NO RESPONSE. MOHEL (cont;d) (WITH ACCOMPANYING 'MOCK' SIGN LANGUAGE) Who is holding the baby?

ELAINEJerry is.. (TO JERRY) Jerry! Jerry (UNCERTAIN) Yeah. Elaine Jerry go over there. Jerry All right. Elaine Go. Jerry I'm going. Elaine C'mon Jerry Don't push me.

MOHELOkay. you sit here. Bring out the baby. Bring out the baby. I need the baby!

KRAMER DASHES INTO THE BEDROOM AND RELUCTANTLY BRINGS OUT THE

BABY. BEFORE HE HANDS IT OVER, HE HAS SECOND THOUGHTS. HE GRIPS

THE BABY TIGHTLY.

KRAMERI can't let you do this. (AD-LIB Kramer!

EVERYONE MOVES TOWARD HIM.

KRAMER.

I can't let you do this!

PEOPLE GRAB HIM, TRYING TO PRY THE BABY AWAY FROM HIM. THERE IS

A STRUGGLE.

ALL(AD LIB) Let go of the baby! Kramer!

KRAMERNo! No! I won't!

THEY FINALLY YANK THE BABY AWAY FROM THE DISTRAUGHT KRAMER.

MOHELPeople compose yourselves. (SHOUTING AS STRUGGLE CONTINUES) This is a bris. We are performing a bris here, not a burlesque show. This is not a school play! This is not a baggy pants farce! This is a bris. An ancient, sacred ceremony, symbolizing the covenant between God and Abraham... or something.

THE MOHEL OPENS HIS BAG AND HIS INSTRUMENTS FALL OUT.

MOHEL (CONT'D)

Damn.

PEOPLE REACH IN TO HELP.

MOHEL (CONT'D)

No! Don't touch anything! Don't touch a thing! Away!

(MUTTERING).. I coulda been a kosher butcher like my brother. The

money's good. There's a union, with benefits. And, cows have no

families. You make a mistake with a cow, you move on with your

life... Anyway.

HE HOLDS UP THE 'INSTRUMENT'. HE TWITCHES. HIS HAND TREMBLES. WE

PAN THE EXTREMELY ANXIOUS CROWD. WE ANGLE ON A VERY BUG-EYED,

NERVOUS JERRY AS THE MOHEL RAISES THE INSTRUMENT.

ANGLE BACK ON: MOHEL, AS HE BRINGS THE INSTRUMENT DOWN.

SFX: CROWD SCREAMING.

CUT TO:

ACT TWOSCENE L (Jerry, George, Elaine, Kramer) INT GEORGE'S CAR - DAY 3 Jerry Hurry up George! Step on it! George Alright, alright! Jerry That damn Mohel - he circumcised my finger! The mohel circumcised my finger! Elaine You flinched. Jerry Flinched? I did not flinch. George, did I flinch?

ELAINEHow should he know He blacked out. He fainted. George It was very traumatic. But the last thing I remember is you flinching. Then, everything went black. Jerry Who's got a tissue? I need more tissues! Look at this thing. It's my phone finger! George Be careful, you're bleeding all over the car.

KRAMERWhat about the baby? Jerry The baby's fine. They're just taking him to the hospital as a precautionary measure. I'm the one who's hurt. Look at me. Elaine Will you stop it? You'll just need a few stitches. Jerry Stitches? I've never had stitched. I'll be deformed. I can't live with that. It goes against my whole personality. It's not me! George Hey look a this - boy are you lucky - another spot - right in front of the hospital. In an emergency yet! How lucky is that? Is that unbelievable? How unbelievable is that? Cut to: ACT two Scene Jerry, George, Elaine, Kramer, Myra, (Pigman), (Male Nurse) (guards)) Int Hospital Day 3

JERRY, ELAINE, GEORGE, AND KRAMER WALKING DOWN THE CORRIDOR.

Jerry

I'm getting faint. I'm losing consciousness.

KRAMERYou'll be okay. I'll see you later. KRAMER EXITS George Where's he going?

ELAINE LIFTS NOSE UP WITH HER THUMB.

George (con'td)

I'm gonna look for a bathroom.

MOHEL ENTERS.

Jerry

Well if it isn't Shakey the Mohel! You did a hell of a

circumcision there pal. But it's not supposed to be a finger.

MOHEL(RE:JERRY) It was your fault! You flinched! Jerry Who made you a mohel? Whadya, get your degree from a matchbook?

MOHEL(HE MAKES A SUDDEN MOVEMENT) See! See! He flinched again! Jerry Good mohel picking, Elaine. You picked a helluva mohel.

MOHELOne more peep out of you and I'll slice you up like a smoked sturgeon. Jerry Don't threaten me, Butcher Boy.

MOHELButcher Boy?! Jerry What was this? (HE IMITATES MOHEL'S FLINCHING) What was this?

MOHELWhat was this? (HE IMITATES JERRY)

JERRY AND MOHEL GET INTO A STRUGGLE.

MOHEL (cont;d)

It was your fault!

Jerry

It was not!

Elaine

Jerry, be careful. The Mohel's got a knife!

THE FLICKS ENTER.

STANHey, hey stop it, stop it! What's going on here?

STAN AND ELAINE AD-LIB DURING BREAK-UP OF FIGHT.

STAN (cont'd)

You two should be ashamed of yourselves.

MOHELAh, blood. Elaine How's the baby?

STANThe baby's fine. There's nothing wrong with the baby.

MOHELThank god the flincher didn't harm the baby. ALL (AD LIB) Amen.

THE MOHEL LEANS INTO JERRY AND WHISPERS.

MOHELI will get you for this. This is my business, this is my life. No one ruins this for me. No on! (TO ELAINE) Here's my card.

THE MOHEL BEGINS TO EXIT. SUDDENLY KRAMER COMES DASHING DOWN THE

HALLWAY. HE IS CARRYING THE PIG MAN ON HIS BACK. THE MALE NURSE

AND SECURITY GUARDS ARE IN HOT PURSUIT. THEY KNOCK OVER THE

MOHEL. THEY ALL EXIT.

JERRY AND ELAINE LOOK AT GEORGE.

DISSOLVE TO:

ACT TWOSCENE N

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY (4)

JERRY IS TRYING TO OPEN A BOTTLE WITH BANDAGED FINGER,

JERRYI can't do this. (A LA GODFATHER) Look what they did to my boy, They massacred my boy. Elaine You really do the worst Godfather I ever heard. You're not even close. SFX:BUZZER Jerry It's the Flicks. George (ON PHONE) It's a '76 Chevy Impala. It was stolen right in front of the hospital. Yeah, I saw him take off in it. He's about five feet, hairless, pink complexion.. well. he looks like a pig. Yeah, okay, thanks a lot. KRAMER ENTERS. George So any word? Did you hear from the "pigman?"

KRAMERNo. George And he's not a pigman is he?

KRAMERNO, he's not.. .He's just a fat little mental patient. THE FLICKS ENTER Jerry Hi STAN, hi Myra.

ELAINE GOES TO ADMIRE BABY. MYRA PULLS HIM AWAY.

MYRADon't touch him Jerry What's wrong?

STANYou're out, Jerry. You're out as Godfather. You too, Elaine. You're both out. Elaine But-

STANWe want Kramer.

KRAMER(A LA GODFATHER) I'd be honored.

KRAMER, STAND AND MYRA START TO EXIT

Jerry

But I'm the pitcher. You're the catcher. We have a special

relationship.

KRAMER AND FLICKS EXIT, THEY CLOSE THE DOOR, BUT LEAVE IT

SLIGHTLY AJAR, AS THEY STAND IN THE HALLWAY. THE FLICKS EMBRACING

KRAMER, JERRY , ELAINE AND GEORGE WATCH IN DISBELIEF THROUGH THE

CRACK IN THE DOOR.

STAN (CONT'D)

Godfather.

MYRAGodfather.

KRAMER LOOKS INTO APARTMENT AT INCREDULOUS JERRY ELAINE AND

GEORGE, THEN CLOSES THE DOOR. WE HEAR THE GODFATHER THEME.

END OF ACT TWO