George dates a deaf woman who can lip-read — and uses her to find out what his ex said about their break-up at a party.
JerryProfessional tennis. To me I don't understand all the shushing. Why are they always shushing. Shh, shh. Don't the players know that we're there? Should we duck down behind the seats so they don't see us watching them? Tennis is basically just ping-pong and the players are standing on the table. That's all it is. And that goofy scoring, you win one point and all the sudden you're up by 15. Two points, 30-love. 30-love. Sounds like an English call girl. "That'll be 30, love... And could you be a little quieter next time, please, shh."
(Commercial)
In the bleachers at the tennis court. Two players are hitting the ball back and forth.
JerryAre these seats unbelievable or what?
GeorgeWhere's the sunblock?
JerryHere.
George25? You don't have anything higher?
JerryWhat, are you on Mercury?
GeorgeI need higher. This has paba in it, I need paba-free.
JerryYou got a problem with paba?
GeorgeYes, I have a problem with paba.
JerryYou don't even know what paba is.
GeorgeI know enough to stay away from it.
GeorgeSo are you going to Todd's party this weekend?
JerryI'll go if someone else drives. You going?
GeorgeGwen really wants to go.
JerryYou're bringing a date to a party?
GeorgeNo good?
JerryA party is a bad date situation. It doesn't matter who you're with. You could be with J. Edgar Hoover. You don't want to sit and talk with Hoover all night. You want to circulate. (Makes hand motions) Ho, ho, ho.
GeorgeWhy'd you pick Hoover? Was he that interesting to talk to?
JerryWell I would think, with the law enforcement and the cross dressing. Seems like an interesting guy.
GeorgeYeah I guess. What can I do? I gotta take her with me. Todd introduced us, I'm obligated.
JerryThat woman is absolutely stunning.
GeorgeThe Croat? [the tennis player]
JerryNot the Croat, the lineswoman. That is the most beautiful lineswoman I've ever seen.
GeorgeYeah, she's a B.L.
JerryB.L.?
GeorgeBeautiful lineswoman. I'm going to go to the concession stand and get some real sunblock. You want anyting? Jerry? (Jerry is staring at the lineswoman) Jerry?
At Elaine's office.
CoworkerYou know, I just heard the Lexington line is out.
ElaineYou are kidding me. How am I supposed to get to this meeting?
CoworkerTake a car service. We have an account.
ElaineOh forget it, I hate those. Everytime I take one, the driver will *not* stop talking to me. No matter how disinterested I seem he just keeps yakking away. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Why does everything always have to have a social componant? Now a stage coach, that would have been a good situation for me. Cause I'm in the coach, and the driver is way up there on the stage.
CoworkerWell you're not going to get a cab now. Four thirty in the afternoon? Read a magazine, keep your head down.
ElaineI guess that could work.
At Jerry's apartment. Kramer is watching TV.
AnnouncerAnd that is it. The match to Ms. Natalia Valdoni. Comming up next, mens single, but for now let's stop a minute and take a look at our beautiful tennis center backdrop.
KramerHey, hey, it's George.
George is on TV eating a sundae. His face is covered in ice cream and fudge. He is taking a bite of ice cream and dripping it around his mouth.
AnnouncerHoly cow it's a scorcher. Boy I bet you that guy can cover a lot of court. Hey buddy, they got a new invention. It's called a napkin. We'll take a station break and continue with more...
Elaine in the car service car.
DriverDag Gavershole Plaza (sp?) huh? (Elaine ignores him) Pendant Publishing, that's books right? (Elaine is annoyed and still ignoring him) Miss?
ElainePardon me?
DriverBooks, that's what you do?
ElaineYeah.
DriverYeah, I don't read much myself, (Elaine is annoyed) well you know besides the paper. Yeah a lot of people read to relax, but not me. You know what I do?
ElaineYou know I'm having a lot of trouble, um, hearing you back here. So...
Driver(Yelling) I said you know what I do (Elaine is very annoyed) when I want to relax? The Jumble. Hey do you make a book of Jumbles?
ElaineI'm going to have to be honest with you. I'm going deaf.
DriverGoing deaf?
ElaineWhat?
DriverOh I'm sorry.
ElaineIt can be very frustrating.
DriverHey what about a hearing aid?
ElaineAn I fearing AIDS? Oh, yeah sure, who isn't. But you know you gotta live your life.
DriverNo, no I said. Ehhh, forget it. (Elaine looks pleased)
JerryI can't take my eyes off that lineswoman. That lineswoman is absolutely mesmerizing.
GeorgeBoy you are really smitten.
JerryI gotta talk to her. What do you think?
GeorgeCold? How are you going to do that? You're not one of those guys.
JerryI'm going to psyche myself into it like those people that just walk across the hot coals.
GeorgeThey're not mocked and humiliated when they get to the other side.
JerryI have to. I won't be able to live with myself.
GeorgeWait a minute Jerry, there's a bigger issue here. If you go through that wall and become one of those guys I'll be left here on this side. Take me with you.
JerryI can't.
GeorgeWhat are you going to say?
JerryI don't know, "Hi".
GeorgeYou think you're going to the other side with "Hi"? You're not going to make it.
Elaine in the car service car.
RadioBase to 92 come in
DriverYes this is 92
RadioAfter this go back to city for a 6:00 pickup
DriverRighteo
Radio794 Bleeker the party's Hanks. Tom Hanks.
ElaineTom Hanks? After me you're picking up Tom Hanks? I love him.
DriverSo I guess your hearing goes in and out huh?
ElaineYeah. Yes it does...
DriverYeah. You know what I think? I think you made that whole thing up.
ElaineNo no, no no.
DriverYeah yeah, I know your type. You're too good to make conversation with someone like me. Oh god forbid you could discuss the Jumbles. But to go so far as to pretend you're almost deaf, I mean that is truly disgusting. And Mr. Tom Hanks, may I say he too would be disgusted by your behavior.
JerryExcuse me. (Woman ignores him) Excuse me? (Still ignores him) Oh that's nice. That's right ignore me. That's real polite. Nobody's even talking to you. All you big lineswoman. Oh you've got some kind of a cool job. I know your type thinking your too good for everyone, but it's women like you (woman turns around and notices him) oh well, what are you deaf?
LauraBingo.
At Jerry's apartment.
KramerAnd you're saying she's deaf.
JerryI'm not *saying* she's deaf, she's deaf.
KramerCan't hear a thing.
JerryCan't hear a thing.
KramerAnd you're going to go out with her.
JerryYeah, isn't that something?
Elaine enters.
ElaineHey.
Jerry and
KramerHey.
KramerHey I know how to sign.
JerryReally?
KramerYeah when I was 8, I had a deaf cousin who lived with us for about a year. (signing as he speaks) So I haven't been able to do it in a while.
ElaineWhat is this about?
JerryI met this deaf lineswoman at the tennis match.
ElaineYou are kidding. That is amazing. (She pushes Jerry, Jerry falls back into Kramer.) I just took a car service from work and to get the driver to not talk to me, I pretended I was going deaf.
JerryWow good plan.
ElaineOh didn't work. He caught me hearing. I know it's terrible, but I'm not a terrible person.
Jerry and
KramerNo.
ElaineNo. When I shoo squirrels away, I always say "get out of here". I never ever throw things at them and try to injure them like other people.
JerryThat's nice.
ElaineYeah, and when I see freaks in the street I never, ever stare at them. Yet, I'm careful not to look away, you know, because I want to make the freaks feel comfortable.
JerryThat's nice for the freaks.
ElaineYeah, and I don't poof up my hair when I got to a movie so people behind me can see. I've got to make it up to this guy or I won't be able to live with myself. What can I do?
JerryWhy don't you get him some tickets or something, how about that friend of yours that works at the ticket area.
KramerYeah yeah Pete, he can get you great tickets to something. Like a rock concert. Whatever you like.
ElaineOh, thanks Kramer.
KramerYou got it. Hey Jerry, do me a favor. The next time you see that lineswoman ask her how those ball boys get those jobs. I would love to be able to do that.
JerryKramer, I think perhaps you've overlooked one of the key aspects of this activity. It's ball *boys*, not ball men. There are no ball men.
ElaineYeah I think he's right. I've never seen a ball man.
KramerWell there ought to be ball men.
JerryAll right I'll talk to her. If you want to be a ball man go ahead, break the ball barrier.
ElaineHey you know a friend of mine from work said that she saw George at the tennis match on TV yesterday.
KramerYeah, yeah me too. Yeah he was at the snack bar eating a hot fudge sundae. He had it all over his face. He was wearing that chocolate on his face like a beard and they got in there real nice and tight. And he's... (Imitates scooping up ice cream.)
At Monk's.
GwenI'm sorry George.
GeorgeI don't understand things were going so great. What happened? Something must have happened.
GwenIt's not you, it's me.
GeorgeYou're giving me the "it's not you, it's me" routine? I invented "it's not you, it's me". Nobody tells me it's them not me, if it's anybody it's me.
GwenAll right, George, it's you.
GeorgeYou're *damn* right it's me.
GwenI was just trying to...
GeorgeI know what you were trying to do. Nobody does it better than me.
GwenI'm sure you do it very well.
GeorgeYes well unfortunately you'll never get the chance to find out.
George then looks confused like what he said just didn't sound right.
At Jerry's apartment.
JerryBut I thought things were going great.
GeorgeYeah so did I.
JerryDid she say why?
GeorgeNo. She tried to give me the "it's not you, it's me" routine.
JerryBut that's your routine.
GeorgeYeah. Well aparently word's out.
Kramer enters.
KramerHey, George, I saw you on TV yesterday.
GeorgeReally? At the tennis match?
KramerYeah you were at the snack bar eating a hot fudge sundae.
GeorgeGet out of here. I didn't see any cameras there.
KramerOh, the cameras was, vrooom, there. The announcers, they made a couple of cracks about you.
GeorgeCracks? What were they saying?
KramerThat you had ice cream all over your face. They were talking about how funny you looked.
GeorgeMaybe Gwen saw it. Maybe that's what did it.
KramerWell I'll tell you it wasn't a pretty sight.
GeorgeShe must have seen me eating it on TV.
JerrySo she sees you with hot fudge on your face and she ends it? You really think she would be that superficial?
GeorgeWhy not. I would be.
The phone rings.
JerryHello... Oh hi dad... You saw him?... Really with the ice cream?... All right I'll talk to you later, bye.
GeorgeYou're parents saw me on TV?
JerryYeah.
GeorgeThis is nighmare. Kramer how long was I on?
KramerIt felt like 8 seconds.
GeorgeOne-one-thousand, two-one-thousand, three-one-thousand.
Elaine enters.
ElaineI heard you *really* inhaled that thing. Did anyone tape it?
GeorgeCan we move on?
JerryHe thinks Gwen broke up with him because she saw him eating the ice cream on TV.
ElaineOh come on. If she's that superficial you don't want her.
GeorgeYes I do.
ElaineSo I guess you're not going to Todd's party on Friday.
GeorgeWell I can't now, Gwen's going to be there.
KramerWell she should be the one that shouldn't go.
JerryWell if a couple breaks up and have plans to go to a neutral place, who withdraws? What's the ettiquite?
KramerExcellent question.
JerryI think she should withdraw. She's the breaker, he's the breakee. He needs to get on with his life.
ElaineI beg to differ.
JerryReally.
ElaineHe's the *loser*. She's the victor. To the victor belong the spoils.
JerryWell I don't care, I don't want to go anyway. I don't want to fight that traffic on Friday night.
ElaineWell we can take the car service from my office.
JerryReally?
ElaineYeah, they don't know.
KramerAll right, I'll see you later.
JerryOkay.
George"To the victor goes the spoils." What are you going to do tonight?
JerryOh I got a date with Laura the lineswoman.
GeorgeOh. (he stands there)
JerryWhy? (George fiddles with the lock on the door.) Well what are you doing?
GeorgeWell I was just going to wander the streets. Wouldn't want to tag along with you or anything.
JerryOh, uh, do you want to come with us?
GeorgeJerry please, that's very nice, but, uh, (closes the door) where would we be going?
GeorgeSo, I've got ice cream all over my face. There were no napkins there. Whoever it was that's responsible for stocking that concession stand cost me a relationship.
LauraThey never have napkins there.
JerryLet's get the check. (Waves in the air) Is this considered signing? Do you do this when you want the check? Really. I know a sign, that's my first sign.
LauraUh, oh. That couple is breaking up.
GeorgeThey're breaking up? How do you know?
JerryShe reads lips.
GeorgeWhat are they saying now?
Laura"It's not you, it's me."
George(Holding his drink up to his mouth) Oh my gosh, I just had a great idea. She could come to the party tomorrow and read Gwen's lips for me.
Jerry(Puts his hand over his mouth) What?
George(Puts nuts into his mouth, and in the process covers his mouth) We bring her to the party, and she can tell me what Gwen is saying about me.
Jerry(Holds his drink up to his mouth) She's not a novelty act, George. Where you hire her out for weddings and bar mitzvas.
George(Puts his hands on his face, rubbing his eyes) Look. It's a skill, just like juggling. She probably enjoys showing it off.
Jerry(Puts his napkin over his mouth) I don't know George. I'm not sure about this.
George(Puts his arms in the air, stretching, and covers his mouth with an arm) Could you ask her, just ask her. If she says no, case closed.
Jerry(Puts his hand on his chin over his mouth) All right.
JerryUh Laura, George was wondering if...
LauraSure. I'll do it.
After the restaurant. Jerry at Laura's place.
JerrySo I really had a good time.
LauraYeah, me too.
JerrySo you want to go to the party on Friday night?
LauraYeah.
JerryAll right, we're taking a car service. So we'll swing by and pick you up. How about six? (Laura looks offended). Six is good. (Laura looks offended and angry). You got a problem with six? (Laura opens the door and gets out). What? What?
(Commercial)
ManOkay listen up people. There are plenty of you here, but we've only got two spots to fill. Good luck.
BoyHey pops, isn't there a better way to spend your twilight years?
KramerI may be old, but I'm spry.
BoyThe tryout lasts three and a half to four hours. Are you up for it?
KramerOh I'll be up for it punk.
Kramer fetches some balls, and he is doing some pretty fancy footwork.
At Jerry's apartment.
JerrySee I was saying "six" but she thought I was saying "sex". We straightened the whole thing out though.
GeorgeShe confused "six" with "sex"?
JerryYeah.
GeorgeWell if she can't tell "six" from "sex" then how is she going to lip read from across the room?
JerryWell "six" and "sex" are close.
GeorgeIt's two completely different sounds. "ih" and "eh".
JerryEh.
GeorgeIt seems like a problem.
JerryWell I'm not dating any other deaf women.
Kramer enters.
KramerHey guess who's going to be the new ball man for the finals.
JerryYou're kidding.
KramerYeah. They said they haven't seen anybody go after balls with such gusto.
GeorgeWhen is that car service comming?
JerryIn five minutes. He's then going to pick us up, then we're going to pick up Elaine, and Laura is going to meet us there.
GeorgeIf this lip reading thing works tonight do you know how incredible this is going to be? It's like having Superman for your friend.
JerryI know. It's like X-ray vision.
GeorgeIf we could just harness this power and use it for our own personal gain, there'd be no stopping us.
Newman enters.
NewmanI hear you've got some lip reader working for you. You gotta let me use her for one day. Just one day.
JerryCan't do it Newman.
NewmanBut Jerry, we've got this new supervisor down at the post office. He's working behind this glass. I know they're talking about me. They're going to transfer me, I know it. Two hours, give me two hours.
JerryNot going to happen.
Newman(Sinister) All right, all right. All right you go ahead. You go ahead and keep it secret. But you remember this. When you control the mail, you control... information.
In the car service car.
JerryOh just pull over right there by the stop sign.
Driver (The same driver as before): Pardon me sir?
JerryI said pull over by the stop sign.
DriverI'm so sorry, you'll have to forgive me. I can't hear a damn thing. I went to that rock concert last night at the garden. My seats were right up agains the speaker. It's a heavy metal group. Metalla-something.
Kramer-ca.
DriverHuh?
GeorgeWhat?
Jerryca.
Georgeah.
DriverMy ears are still ringing. Some woman's idea of a joke.
Elaine gets in. The driver looks up and notices her. He gets angry.
A moment later, the group gets out of the car.
DriverGet out. Get out. Go on. Hey. Shut the door.
Kramer shuts the door and the car takes off, squeeling the tires.
JerryYou know the whole idea of taking the car service was so I wouldn't have to fight the traffic on Friday night.
Laura sees the group and gets up. She points to her watch.
JerryI know. I'm late. Hey now I know two signs, (puts his hand in the air) check, and (points to his watch) late. Hey this is the guy you helped become the first ball man.
Kramer and Laura start signing to each other. We see confusion from them as they are signing. George puts his forhead on his hand.
KramerShe doesn't know what she's talking about.
ToddGuys you made it.
GeorgeHey hey.
ToddSorry to hear about Gwen.
GeorgeWhy? Did she say something to you about why she broke up with me?
ToddOh no. Tonight will be the first chance I've had to talk to her. Look George, I'm friends with both of you. I can't betray her confidence by telling you anything.
GeorgeI wouldn't hear of it, huh. It's none of my business. You should try to find out everything you possibly can. In fact, I'll even stay all the way on the other side of the room so there's no chance of me overhearing anything.
ToddYou are so centered.
George(to the others) Let's go, let's go. All right what are they saying?
Gwen and Todd talk. Laura makes hand signs and Kramer translates.
Kramer"Hi Gwen, hi tide."
JerryHi tide?
KramerHi Todd.
Kramer"You've got something between your teeth"
GeorgeWhat?
KramerNo that's what he said. "That's interesting. I love carrots, but I hate carrot soup. And I hate peas, but I love pea soup." So do I.
ElaineShe's so wild. Can I borrow her for a few hours tomorrow afternoon?
JerryNo. If I lend her to you I'll have to lend her to everybody.
GwenI don't envy you Todd. The place is going to be a mess.
ToddMaybe you can stick around after everybody leaves and we can sweep together.
Kramer"Why don't you stick around and we can sleep together."
GeorgeWhat?
Kramer"You want me to sleep with you?"
ToddI don't want to sweep alone.
KramerHe says "I don't want to sleep alone." She says, oh boy, "love to."
George walks across the room over to them.
GeorgeSo you're getting rid of me and now the two of you are going to sleep together?
GwenWhat? You're crazy.
Kramer"What? You're crazy."
GeorgeI heard your whole conversation.
GwenHow?
Kramer"How?"
George(looks back to the group) I can read lips. You said let's sleep together.
GwenNo I didn't. I said "sweep". Let's sweep together, you know with a broom. Cleaning up.
Kramer"... with a broom, cleaning up."
GeorgeSweep?
GwenYes sweep.
Kramer"Yes sweep."
GeorgeCut it.
KramerGeorge says "Cut it."
GeorgeCut it.
KramerGeorge is saying "Cut it."
GeorgeCut it. (goes back to the group) (Yelling) Would you stop signing? She said "sweep together" you idiots, not "sleep together."
Laura's mouth is wide open. She looks at Kramer and points to George. She is mad at Kramer. Aparently she did say sweep and Kramer mis-translated. She signs to Kramer.
KramerI know how to sign.
Kramer and Laura are arguing back and forth with sign language. They are gesturing signs fiercely. One of Laura's signs causes her hand to swing backwards and hit George in the face.
GeorgeOw. My eye, my eye.
(Commercial)
ElaineIt's so amazing getting to see Monica Sellas playing in the finals.
JerryI know and on the first tournament of her comeback.
Kramer is sitting poised on the sideline. He waves back to the group. George and Elaine gives him a thumbs up. The two players hit the ball back and forth. The ball lands in the net. Kramer springs into action running toward the ball and runs into Monica Sellas. Monica falls to the ground in pain.
JerryThus ends the great ball man experiment.
Laura gets into the car service car.
Driver (The same driver as before): You with the tennis center?
LauraYep.
DriverHey how about that ball man injuring Monica Sellas. Wasn't that something.
Laura. I'm deaf.
DriverOh. (Very suspicious look on his face.)
[END SHOW]