The Non-Fat Yogurt

JerryI've always been a big fan of the little check move. You know. Unless the waiter's not too sharp, then you got to total it up. Sometimes they have to come over, "Do you want the check?" "No, I want to be pen pals. Can't you see what I'm doing here? I'm trying to be cool and impress people."

ElaineHmm!

GeorgeFantastic!

JerryI told you. How good is this?

GeorgeGood.

JerryHow good?

GeorgeVery good.

ElaineThey got blue berries. And there's real blue berries. What kind did you get?

JerryCoffee. And they grind up the coffee beans, and they put it in.

ElaineLet me test-taste that.

JerryHuh? Huh?

ElaineHmm! Rico!

JerrySuave! And it's non-fat!

GeorgeSee, how could this not have any fat? It's too good.

ElaineYou want to taste mine?

GeorgeOh, you want to taste mine.

ElaineNo, I don't.

GeorgeOkay, if you want to taste mine, you don't have to offer me some of yours.

ElaineAll right, let's just forget it.

JerryYou know, Kramer's going to clean up on this place.

GeorgeWhat do you mean?

JerryHe invested in it.

GeorgeNo kidding?

JerryYeah. We've been coming here everyday. This is so *beep*ing good.

LadyJerry!

JerryOh, I'm sorry.

ElaineAll right, we should get going. But, I'm going to get a little bit more, okay?

GeorgeOh, god. Look who's here.

JerryWho is it?

GeorgeThis guy from my old neighborhood. Lloyd Braun. He's a big advisor to Mayor Dinkins. He thinks he's so cool.

JerryOh, really?

LloydHey, George!

GeorgeHey! Lloyd! My friend Jerry.

L&J Hi!

LloydSo, I hear you're living back home now?

GeorgeYeah, there was a fire in my apartment.

LloydFire! Whoa! There's a lot of major chicks in this place, huh? Something wrong with your arm?

GeorgeUh, uh, yeah. Actually, the, uh, I bumped my elbow on a desk and injured something. And now it sort of moves involuntarily.

LloydWow, that's a bitch, huh?

LloydSo, how are your parents doing?

GeorgeOh, pretty good.

LloydThis place does some business, huh?

GeorgeYeah, this is my first time here.

LloydHey, she's a doll.

ElaineHi!

GeorgeUh, Elaine, this is, uh, Lloyd.

ElaineHi!

LloydOh, hi! Very nice to meet you.

ElaineNice to meet you, too!

LloydWell, I'm really sorry I got to run now. Well, take it easy, huh, George?

GeorgeYeah! Yeah.

ElaineBoy, he is really cute!

GeorgeHe's a jerk.

JerryHe's gone, George.

GeorgeAll right. All right.

KramerSo, there were a lot of people there, huh?

JerryOh, man, that yogurt place - you're going to make a fortune.

KramerYeah.

JerryThey're doing an incredible business.

KramerYeah, well, I told you to go in on it.

JerryHow did you know?

KramerWell, I tasted it at the one downtown. It's got a remarkable texture. You'd never know it was non-fat.

JerryYeah?

ElaineBuzz me.

JerryOh. Hey, I had the show of my life last night. I ad-libbed like ten new minutes.

KramerYeah, but did you tape it?

JerryRight there. I got it. I did this thing on the Ottoman Empire. Like, what was this? A whole empire based on putting your feet up?

KramerYes!

JerryI'm telling you, I got like a whole new Tonight Show here.

ElaineHey!

KramerHey!

JerryWhat's the matter?

ElaineOh, I was having lunch, and I bit down on the fork.

JerryBoy, it's hard to believe - with all that biting experience - a person could still make a mistake like that.

KramerYow!

ElaineWhat?

KramerWell, you're getting heavy. Yeah, you look like you put on five, ten pounds.

JerryKramer!

KramerI'll tell you something else, you're looking a little chunky yourself, buddy.

JerryMe?

KramerYeah.

JerryNo.

ElaineWhere's your bathroom scale? Oh my god, I've gained seven pounds.

JerryI've gained eight.

KramerI told you.

ElaineOh, my god! A couple, but 7 pounds. How did I gain 7 pounds?

JerryHow did I gain eight?

ElaineI don't get it. I, I've been doing the same exercises. I haven't been eating anything different.

JerryMe, either. Wait a second. Wait a second. Maybe it's that yogurt.

KramerNo, no, no. That's hundred percent yogurt.

JerryWell, how else could this have happened?

KramerWell, maybe it's the Oreos.

ElaineI don't eat Oreos.

KramerYou don't eat Oreos? The way you break them open? You're ~ practically having sex with them.

JerryWhat about me?

KramerYou? You're getting old.

JerryMaybe your yogurt isn't so non-fat.

KramerOh, guess again, Tubby!

ElaineJerry, there's got to be a way to find that out.

JerryThere must be some kind of lab that would do that kind of thing.

ElaineGasp! I've got it.

KramerWhat?

ElaineI'll call the Food and Drug Administration.

KramerHey, I'll tell you what, Chubby, if that yogurt has fat in it, I will put myself on an all-yogurt diet for a week.

JerryWell, let's start the insanity.

KramerGiddy-up!

DadTommy Tune is a very good dancer. You ever see Tommy Tune dancing?

GeorgeNo.

MomI like tap dancing.

DadTap dancing. Anyone can tap dance. It's all in those shoes.

MomAre you kidding? They practice for years, those people.

GeorgeWhat's for supper?

MomSomebody's at the door.

DadTommy Tune is very tall. That helps. It makes him lankier.

MomLloyd?

LloydHello, Mrs. Costanza.

MomGeorgie, Lloyd Braun is here.

DadHey! Lloyd!

MomWhat are you doing here?

LloydWell, I was just in the neighborhood visiting my mother, and so I thought I'd drop by and say, "Hello".

MomGeorgie. Come here and say hello.

DadHow are you doing, Lloyd? I hear you're a big advisor for Dinkins now.

LloydThat's right. Hey, George.

GeorgeHey, Lloyd. How's it going?

LloydI ran into George yesterday in the city.

MomOw! What's the matter with you?

LloydSo, uh, how's the arm, huh?

GeorgeOh, it's good. It's good.

MomWhat's the matter with your arm?

GeorgeNothing.

LloydOh, his arm moves like this.

DadYour arm moves like this?

GeorgeYeah.

DadI never seen your arm move like this.

MomMe, either.

GeorgeWell, it comes and goes.

DadIt's like some kind of a spasm.

LloydOoh! I asked Mr. Dinkins if he knew any good orthopedists, and he said he had the best. So, I made an appointment for you. Dr. Dekter.

MomMayor Dinkins got an appointment for him?

DadYou mentioned George's name to Mayor Dinkins? You discussed George with the mayor of New York?

MomDinkins was talking about you. He was discussing you.

GeorgeYou know, Lloyd, I've been to the doctor - there's really nothing they can do.

DadHey, Mayor Dinkins set this up for you. You know what kind of a doctor this must be if Dinkins knows him?

GeorgeAll right. All right. I'll go.

LloydWell, that's great. And, uh, I'll be very interested to hear the diagnosis.

ElaineUh-huh. Okay, well, we're coming down. All right. Okay. I got a place that can analyze it. It's in Brooklyn. We have to drive there.

JerryAnd they said they can do it?

ElaineYeah, it's forty-five bucks.

JerryAll right. Let's go down to the yogurt store, and we'll get a specimen.

ElaineHm-hmm.

LadyWell, I hope you're satisfied.

JerryWhat?

LadyEvery word out of my son's mouth now is *beep*, *beep*, *beep*. You know what he said to me five minutes ago? Where's my *beep*ing cupcake?

JerryGee, I'm really sorry.

LadyHe wants to be like you because you're a comedian. Maybe you could talk to him?

JerryI'd be happy to.

LadyThank you.

JerryAh, Mary, we've been eating a lot of your husband's yogurt at the yogurt place - does that have any fat in it?

LadyNo *beep*ing way!

LloydWell, it was very nice seeing you again.

MomOh, it was good seeing you.

LloydOh, um, by the way, who was that gorgeous woman I saw you with the other day?

GeorgeOh, uh, just a friend of mine.

MomYou must mean Elaine. Isn't she adorable?

LloydShe is. She is. How about giving me her number?

GeorgeOh, you know, Lloyd, I really don't have it.

MomShe works at Pendant Publishing. Elaine Benice.

LloydOh, great. Thanks a lot!

GeorgeYeah!

LloydSo long.

MomBye! Oh, that Lloyd Braun. He is something, isn't he?

NewmanWell, I wouldn't hear of it. I said, "Nice try, granny!" And I sent her to the back of the line!

JerryHello, Newman.

NewmanHello, Jerry. Say, this yogurt is really something, huh? And it's non-fat! I've been waiting for something like this my whole life! And it's finally here!

OwnerHey, Seinfeld. I'd appreciate it if you'd stop using obscenities around my son, huh?

JerryIt was an accident. I'm going to talk to him.

ElaineI want a small, plain vanilla in a cup to go. That's non-fat, right?

OwnerThat's right.

Elaine'Cause I'm on a special diet, and the doctor said I can't have any fat.

OwnerYeah, well, there is no fat.

NewmanHey, another round of strawberry for me and my friends.

ElaineHurry, Jerry! Hurry!

JerryHow's it doing?

ElaineNot too good.

KramerWell, you can't have this tested now. It's melting.

JerrySo what.

KramerIt changes the molecules.

JerryOh, you don't know what you're talking about.

KramerHey, fatso! I got a 90 in biology.

JerryYou call me fatso one more time; you're going to be walking back.

ElaineUm, hi! Hi. I called earlier about getting the yogurt tested.

LabbieOh, right. Would you fill this out, please?

ElaineYeah. Oh, does it matter if it's melted?

LabbieNo! You know, this is going to take a couple of days.

ElaineThat's okay.

KramerHello, there.

LabbetteHello!

KramerOoh! Test tubes. Cool!

JerryWhat do you got there?

LabbieActually, this is Mr. Giuliani's blood. We're doing a cholesterol work up on it.

JerryOh.

ElaineOkay, I'm done.

LabbetteIt was really nice meeting you.

KramerWell, the pleasure's all mine.

JerryYou can't take that chemist out.

KramerWhy not?

JerryBecause she's like the jury. She's going to be sequestered.

KramerI'm not taking her out just to influence the results.

JerryWell, I think the whole thing stinks.

ElaineIt smells. Smells bad. Smells really bad.

JerryThat's enough.

ElaineWhat?

JerryWell, with the smells.

GeorgeSo, he made an appointment for me to see Dinkins' doctor. He's just trying to humiliate me.

JerryUh-huh.

GeorgeAnd I have to go. If I don't go, he'll know I'm lying.

JerryWell, so, what are you going to do? Sit in the doctor's office doing this? He's going to think you're a mental patient.

GeorgeI don't care. Look, Lloyd doesn't know what he's up against. This is nothing to me. My whole life is a lie.

ElaineHey!

G&J Hey.

ElaineSo, guess who called me.

GeorgeOh, don't tell me. Lloyd?

ElaineWe're going out tomorrow night.

GeorgeOh, look, he's going to ask you about my arm. So, just tell him I banged it against a desk. And it's been moving involuntarily ever since.

ElaineI can't say that.

GeorgeWhy not?

ElaineWhat if I like him? I'm going to start out lying to this guy?

GeorgeSo, you're taking his side?

ElaineNo. But what if we get married or something? We'll always have that between us.

GeorgeAlready you're marrying this guy?

ElaineYou never know.

GeorgeAll right, believe me, you're not going to marry him.

ElaineAll right, well, then what if we become a couple, George? Every time we see you you're going to be walking around going like this? Even you can't keep that up.

JerryNo, I believe he can.

LadyHi!

JerryHi!

LadyYou know Jerry.

SonOf course, he's the funny *beep*er.

LadySee!

JerryListen, Matthew, I want to explain something to you. Now, cursing is not something that most comedians do.

SonYou did it.

JerryThat's true. But it was an accident. And I haven't done it since. And I would never do it again. And if you continue cursing, you'll never become a comedian like me when you grow up. Excuse me one second.

ElaineYou know, Lloyd advises Dinkins on everything he does.

GeorgeYeah, yeah. Big advisor.

ElaineHe tells him which soap to use.

JerryWhat the *beep* are you doing? You little piece of *beep*.

LabbetteShh! We don't want to disturb the security guard.

KramerWhere's the lights. Whoa!

LabbetteHow about this?

KramerYeah! Bunsen burner. You want a taste? It's Cappuccino.

LabbetteIt's delicious.

KramerI hear you.

LabbetteNon-fat?

KramerWell, you tell me. Is the verdict in yet?

LabbetteNo.

KramerWell, this is in case there's a tie!

ElaineWell, as far as I know, he bumped his arm into a door and it's kind of got this involuntarily movement. Some sort of a spasm. So, anyway, you're a big advisor to Dinkins, huh?

LloydYeah, yeah. It's coming right down to the wire.

ElaineWow! You know what I would do if I was running for mayor. One of my campaign themes would be that everybody should wear name tags all the time to make the city friendlier.

LloydName tags, hmm?

ElaineWell, everybody would know everybody. It would be like a small town.

LloydMaybe I'll mention that to him.

ElaineReally? Wow!

LloydYou sure you don't want any yogurt?

ElaineNo, I'm watching my weight.

LloydWell, it's nonfat.

ElaineYeah, so they say.

LloydWell, should we go?

ElaineYeah. Okay.

ElaineThree days and he hasn't called me, and you know why? Because he thinks I'm too fat.

JerryHe said that?

ElaineNo, but I saw the look on his face when he put his arm around me. And then we went to his apartment, and I sat on one of his chairs and it broke. And he says, "Boy, you're a lot of woman!"

KramerHey! So, hear anything on the yogurt?

JerryNo, but I expect to hear anytime.

KramerWell, I wouldn't get your hopes up.

JerryWhy do you say that?

KramerNo reason. Oh, did you hear about that Dinkins?

ElaineNo. What about him?

KramerYou didn't hear?

ElaineUn-huh.

KramerHe's proposing a plan where everyone in the city should wear name tags.

JerryName tags?

KramerYeah! So people can go around saying "hello" to one another.

JerryOh, I see. So you can go, "Hey, you know who I saw wilding today? Herb!"

KramerHe's become the laughing stock! You know The Times has already stated it could cost him the election. Name tags!

JerryHello? Yes. Uh-huh. Yeah. Oh, really? Okay, thank you very much. Bye-bye. Well, the yogurt verdict is in. Fat!

KramerYeow!

GeorgeThe next morning, I woke up, and it was going like this. I can control it if I really concentrate. But otherwise, oh!

DoctorYes, well, I'm going to have to be perfectly honest with you.

GeorgePlease, doctor.

DoctorI've examined you.

GeorgeYes.

DoctorI've looked at your X-rays.

GeorgeUh-huh.

DoctorAnd I find that there's absolutely nothing wrong with you.

GeorgeHmm. Really? Nothing?

DoctorNothing that would indicate involuntary spasms.

GeorgeWell, it's kind of a mystery, isn't it?

DoctorNo, not really.

GeorgeHow so?

DoctorMay I suggest the possibility that you're faking?

GeorgeFaking? What makes you think that I have time to see doctors, take X-rays, make appointments, when there's absolutely nothing wrong with me? What kind of a person would do a thing like that?

DoctorI don't know what kind of a person would do something like that. Obviously a very sick person. A very immature person. A person who has no regard for wasting other people's valuable time. Good-bye.

GeorgeNow, see here, doctor.

DoctorI said, good-bye.

GeorgeFine. Ow!

ElaineJerry, come on, look. Let's go over to that yogurt store.

JerryLook, Elaine, I've been thinking about this. This has got to be a massive conspiracy. Who knows how deep it goes. Hey, look, wait a second, Kramer, turn that up.

KramerOkay.

NewsRudy Giuliani, who underwent a physical last week, received some startling news today when his cholesterol count turned out to be a whopping 375. What effect this will have on the minds of the voters remains to be seen. In another development, Mayor Dinkins has fired his top advisor, Lloyd Braun, who is believed to be responsible for the name tag fiasco. We now take you to Giuliani headquarters where Rudy

Giulianiis about to make a statement.

GiulianiIt's hard to understand. Because I've been doing everything I normally do. I've been watching my diet very carefully. I exercise regularly. My only indulgence, I guess, would be that I eat a lot of frozen yogurt. But it's non-fat.

JerryYogurt? Oh, my god. They got Giuliani and he doesn't even know it.

ElaineNow look what you've done.

JerryWell, we've got to do something. I'm calling Giuliani's headquarters.

GeorgeName tags! Name tags! What kind of an idiot thinks anybody would be interested in an idea like that.

DadI don't think it's so bad. People should wear name tags. Everyone would be a lot friendlier. "Hello, Sam." "How are you doing, Joe?" Hey, your arm. It moved again. I thought you said it went away.

GeorgeI banged it on the desk in the doctor's office. And . . .

MomBe quiet. They're starting the press conference.

GiulianiMy campaign staff has received some very disturbing information regarding the fat content in yogurt that's being sold throughout the city. I pledge to you now, that if I'm elected mayor, as my first order of business I'll appoint a special task force to investigate this matter. I promise you, my fellow New Yorkers, that Mayor Giuliani will do everything possible to cleanse this city of this falsified non-fat yogurt.

JerryThe old yogurt was so much better. Oh, this is terrible.

GeorgePhew!

ElaineOh, it stinks.

KramerMine, too. I got one more day.

JerryI can't eat this.

NewmanHey, Jerry. Thanks a lot. I hope you're happy.

JerryIt had fat in it, it's not good for you.

NewmanI don't care. It was good. I was enjoying it. Had to interfere. Couldn't leave well enough alone. Well, I will get even with you for this. You can count on it.

ElaineHey, you guys, listen to this. Listen to this. Apparently some blood spilled into Mr. Giuliani's test tube causing his cholesterol count to be 150 points higher than was initially reported. Ironically, the mishap by bringing the non-fat yogurt scandal to the attention of the public, probably clinched the election for the Republican. It was the one issue which seemed to electrify the voters and swept Giuliani into office.

JerrySo, in effect, the yogurt won him the election.

ElaineI wonder what actually happened in that lab.

KramerYeah, me, too.

NewmanI can't eat this.

BoyThanks for ruining my daddy's business, you fat *beep*!

[END SHOW]