The Fatigues

First scene.

Jerry and a woman are eating at a restaurant.

WomanWell I started out working in mortgage bonds, but I just found that so limiting.

JerryMy friend Kramer and I were discussing that same thing the other day. He was with Brant-Leland for a while.

WomanWow. Well then my mentor suggested that I move into equities, best move I ever made.

JerryMentor? You mean your boss.

WomanOh, no no no, Cynthia's just a successful businesswoman who's taken me under her wing.

JerryHmm. So Cynthia's your mentor.

WomanAnd I'm her protg. You must have someone like that. You know, who guides you in your career path.

JerryWell, I like Gabe Kaplan. New scene. George and Jerry are in Jerry's apartment.

GeorgeI still don't understand this. Abby has a mentor?

JerryYes. And the mentor advises the protg.

GeorgeIs there any money involved?

JerryNo.

GeorgeSo what's in it for the mentor?

JerryRespect, admiration, prestige.

GeorgePssh. Would the protg pick up stuff for the mentor?

JerryI suppose if it was on the protg's way to the mentor, they might.

GeorgeLaundry? Dry cleaning?

JerryIt's not a valet, it's a protg.

GeorgeAlright. Listen, I gotta get some reading done. You mind if I do this here? I can't concentrate in my apartment. Jerry (checking out George's textbook): Risk management?

GeorgeYeah. Steinbrenner wants everyone in the front office to give a lecture in their area of business expertise.

JerryWell what makes them think you're a risk management expert?

GeorgeI guess it's on my resume. The phone rings, Jerry answers.

JerryHello?

VoicePlease hold for Elaine Benes.

GeorgeYou know what? I can't do this. I can't read books anymore; books on tape have ruined me, Jerry. I need that nice voice. This book has *my* voice. I hate my voice.

JerrySo get this book on tape.

GeorgeYou can't, it's a textbook.

ElaineHey, Jer. Are you going to this Bob Sacamano party?

JerryAm I going? It was three nights ago.

ElaineWhat? You're kidding, I just got this invitation today. Oh, I was so excited. It's really a beautiful invitation.

JerryOh, it was a lovely affair.

ElaineWait a minute; this postmark is three weeks old. Man, this happens all the time. (Into intercom) Jeanine? Who the hell runs the mailroom?

JeanineEddie Sherman.

ElaineAlright, send him up here.

JerryYou gonna do a little yelling?

ElaineI'm gonna do a little firing.

JerryThat is so cool, can you put me on the speaker?

ElaineOh yeah, sure. (hangs up) Gimme a break. Jerry gets a dial tone and hangs up; he looks over at George who has nodded off with the book in his lap. Jerry picks up a peanut and tosses it at George, hitting him in the glasses and waking him up.

JerryHey, Copernicus? New scene. Elaine's office.

JeanineEddie Sherman is here.

ElaineOh, great. Send him in. Eddie Sherman walks in dressed in full military fatigues. He speaks in a raspy voice.

EddieYou wanted to see me?

ElaineEddie. Yes, um, I am so sorry but I'm afraid we're gonna have to... promote you. New scene. Elaine and Jerry are at the coffee shop.

JerrySo, what did you say?

ElaineWell, I called him all the way up to my office, so I had to tell him something important. So I promoted him.

JerryWhat? What did you--

ElaineCopywriter.

JerryHe's writing copy?

ElaineWell it can't be any worse than the pointless drivel we normally churn out. Kramer walks in carrying a stack of flyers, he hands a few to Jerry and Elaine.

KramerYowza yowza. Check it out. Jerry (reading): Jewish singles night?

KramerI expect you both to be there.

ElaineI'm not Jewish.

KramerWell neither am I.

JerryWell why are you going?

KramerI'm not, I'm running it.

JerryWhat are you talking about?

KramerWell Lomez, he usually runs it but he's in the Everglades.

JerryLomez is Jewish?

KramerOh yeah yeah yeah. Orthodox, Jerry. Old school. Elaine (reading): At the Knights of Columbus?

KramerYeah, Frank Costanza, he's getting me a room at his lodge. So Jerry, you know I'm really counting on you to come to this.

JerryKramer, you know, I--

KramerNo, Jerry, look I'm cooking all the food myself. Elaine (reading): A tempting schmear of authentic Jewish delicacies.

KramerDo you like tsimmis? New scene. Jerry and Abby are being seated in a restaurant.

AbbyMy mentor says the duck is outstanding here.

JerryI'm not really a duck fan, the skin seems sort of human.

AbbyOh! Look who's here, Cynthia!

CynthiaHello, Abby.

AbbyHello. Jerry, this is Cynthia Pearlman, my mentor.

JerryHello.

CynthiaHi Jerry, nice to finally meet you.

AbbyWell come join us, we could pull up a chair.

CynthiaGreat, my boyfriend's just parking the car. Actually, Jerry, you night know him, he's a comic too.

JerryNo kidding?

CynthiaKenny Banya.

JerryBanya? Banya enters.

BanyaHey, Jerry!! How's it going?! You gonna join us for dinner? The duck here's the best. The best, Jerry. New scene. George is on the subway, seated beside a blind man wearing headphones.

GeorgeExcuse me, I'm sorry to bother you, I noticed that you have a textbook on tape. May I ask where you got that?

ManReading for the Blind. They can get any book on tape.

GeorgeI tell ya, I am hooked on these books on tape.

ManOh, tell me about it. These things have ruined me for Braille. New scene. George and Jerry are at Jerry's apartment.

JerryReading for the Blind?

GeorgeI take an eye test; I flunk it, the next thing you know I am swinging to the sweet sounds of risk management.

JerrySo, I finally met the mentor.

GeorgeWhat's she like? Impressive?

JerryOh yeah, she's dating Banya.

GeorgeBanya?

JerryYeah. I had to spend two hours at dinner last night with that specimen.

GeorgeWhat did you have?

JerryChicken, how could she look up to a person who voluntarily spends time with Banya?

GeorgeMarsala?

JerryPiccata, if anything I should be dating a mentor and Banya should be setting pins in a bowling alley. George (leaving): Alright, I got a test to fail.

JerryHey, good luck with that.

GeorgeThank you. George opens the door to see Kramer and Frank leaving Kramer's apartment.

GeorgeDad.

FrankWhat are you wearing, an athletic sweat suit?

GeorgeWhat are you doing here?

KramerWell, he came by to pick up his check for the banquet hall. You know I got a hundred and eighty-three responses? Oh, it's gonna be a rager.

JerryKramer, how are you gonna cook Jewish delicacies for a hundred and eighty-three people?

KramerYeah, you're right. That's a lot of pupkitz. Hey Frank, you know anybody who can help me cook?

FrankCook? No, I don't know any cooks. I don't know anything about cooking! Frank storms out of the apartment.

KramerWhat's the matter with him?

GeorgeMy dad was a cook during the Korean War. Something very bad happened, ever since you can't get him near a kitchen.

KramerShell-shocked?

GeorgeOh yeah, but that has nothing to do with it. New scene. Elaine is wrapping up a meeting at Peterman's.

ElaineThat's good work, guys. That aught to do it for today.

EddieWait. You didn't ask me about my ideas.

ElaineOh, Eddie, well it's your first day.

EddieI'm ready.

ElaineOh, okay. Eddie (reading): It's a hot night. The mind races. You think about your knife; the only friend who hasn't betrayed you, the only friend who won't be dead by sun up. Sleep tight, mates, in your quilted Chambray nightshirts. New scene. Elaine and Jerry are at the coffee shop.

ElaineWhat am I gonna do? He is a disaster.

JerryWell, if he's doing that bad, maybe he's in line for another promotion.

ElaineYou know what? You are exactly right. That is what I should do, I should promote him. I'll give him another office on another floor and he can sit there with his nice title and his bayonet and stop freakin' me out. New scene. George is taking an eye exam.

GeorgeNothing at all.

DoctorWell George, your vision is quite impaired. If you'll just sign this insurance form, here's a pen. George reaches for the pen and grabs the Doctor's face.

GeorgeYou're a very handsome man, by the way. New scene. Jerry walks into his apartment; there are pots and pans bubbling on the stove.

JerryWhat the hell is going on here? Kramer comes running in holding a scalding pot full of dumplings, he drops the pot into the sink and cools his burnt fingers.

JerryWhat are you doing?

KramerI got three kitchens going. I got brisket going at Newman's, I got kugel working at Mrs. Zamfino's, this is kreplach. Here, try some of this.

JerryNo, I don't want to.

KramerEat, eat! You're skin and bones. Jerry gabs a fork and tastes a piece.

KramerHah?

JerryOh, this is awful.

KramerJerry, it's kreplach. It's an acquired taste, yeah. Kramer bites into one and spits it out.

JerryDid you follow the recipe?

KramerThe recipe was for four to six people; I had to multiply for a hundred and eighty-three people. I guess I got confused.

JerryIt tastes like dirt.

KramerWell I also dropped it on the way over. Look I'm in trouble, I got no skills. I can't peel, I can't chop, I can't grate. I can't mince! I got no sense of flavor, obviously. You know, I gotta talk to Frank.

JerryKramer, you can't talk to Frank.

KramerNo I gotta talk to him, I know that he can help me, Jerry. Abby walks in.

AbbyI think there's a dead animal in the elevator.

KramerMy stuffed cabbage! Kramer runs out.

AbbySo, great dinner last night.

JerryYeah, it was alright.

AbbyI told Cynthia we'd double with her and Banya Saturday and then catch his act.

JerryNo. No, no way, no Banya.

AbbyWhat?

JerryHave you seen his act? He's got a twelve-minute bit about Ovaltine. He's a punk, a patsy, a hack.

AbbyCynthia would not date a hack.

JerryWould. Does. Is. New scene. Elaine is chairing a meeting at Peterman's.

ElaineBefore we get started, I am happy to tell you that Eddie Sherman is no longer writing for this catalog. There are general remarks of relief from the meeting attendees.

ElaineHe's upstairs, I made him Director of Corporate Development.

EmployeeYou promoted him?

ElaineWell, no, I would hardly--

EmployeeI bust my hump ever day.

ElaineRelax--

EmployeeAs far as I'm concerned, you and your deranged protg can run the catalog by yourselves! I quit! What follows is a chorus of "me too"s and "I'm with him"s as everybody walks out.

ElaineWell, hey? Hey. Hey!! New scene. George is in his office at Yankee stadium, he pushes 'play' on a cassette recorder. The voice on the tape sounds exactly like George.

VoiceChapter one. In order to manage risk we must first understand risk. How do you spot risk? How do you avoid risk and what makes it so risky?

GeorgeThis guy sounds just like me.

VoiceTo understand risk, we must first define risk.

GeorgeThis is horrible.

VoiceRisk is defined as-- George (banging the recorder): Stop it! Stop it! New scene. Kramer is at Frank's.

KramerC'mon Frank, I need you. I mean the war was fifty years ago.

FrankIn my mind, there's a war still going on.

KramerAlright, what happened, Frank? What is it that you can't get over? Frank pours a shot of whiskey and drinks it.

FrankInchon, Korea, 1950. I was the best cook Uncle Sam ever saw, slinging hash for the Fighting 103rd. As we marched north, our supply lines were getting thin. One day a couple of GIs found a crate, inside were six hundred pounds of prime Texas steer. At least it once was prime. The Use date was three weeks past, but I was arrogant, I was brash, I thought if I used just the right spices, cooked it long enough...

KramerWhat happened?

FrankI went too far. I over seasoned it. Men were keeling over all around me. I can still hear the retching, the screaming. I sent sixteen of my own men to the latrines that night. They were just boys.

KramerFrank, you were a boy too. And it was war. It was a crazy time for everyone.

FrankTell that to Bobby Colby. All that kid wanted to do was go home. Well he went home alright, with a crater in his colon the size of a cutlet. Had to sit him on a cork the eighteen-hour flight home!

KramerFrank, now listen to me. Two hundred Jewish singles need you. This is your chance to make it all right again.

FrankNo. No, I'll never cook again! Never! Now get out of my house!! Get out. Go. New scene. Jerry and Abby are in Jerry's apartment.

JerrySo you saw Banya's act?

AbbyHe got two minutes into that Ovaltine thing and I just couldn't take it anymore.

JerryI told you, it's like getting beaten with a bag of oranges.

AbbyWhy is he so obsessed with Ovaltine?

JerryHe just thinks that anything that dissolves in milk is funny.

AbbyAnyway, Cynthia and I got into this big argument afterwards and I think it's over.

JerryNo more mentor?

AbbyLooks that way.

JerryWell at least you and I are okay again.

AbbyActually I was kind of thinking that maybe we shouldn't see each other for a while.

JerryWhy?

AbbyWell I'm feeling a little disoriented. It's just weird for me not to have an advisor.

JerryI can tell you what to do.

AbbyNo, it's more than that.

JerryI can tell you what to think.

AbbyI need someone I can trust.

JerryOh. George busts in.

GeorgeI got a big problem here, Jerry. The tapes are worthless.

JerryKind of in the middle of something here, George. George shuts up and relaxes on the couch.

JerryGeorge?

AbbyI gotta run anyway.

JerryI can't believe you feel you really need a mentor.

AbbyI just need someone who can give me some kind of direction. I'll see ya.

JerryYeah, see ya. Abby leaves and George gets up and runs out the door after her.

JerryWhat's your problem. George runs back.

GeorgeNo problem. George runs away again. New scene. Elaine and Eddie Sherman are alone in the office working on writing copy.

EddieHey, I think I got something here. The Bengalese Galoshes.

ElaineOh. Eddie (reading): It's tough keeping your feet dry when you're kicking in a skull.

ElaineYou know, Eddie, that might be just a tad harsh for womenswear.

EddieWell, I'm not married to it. Elaine. Oh. Well, um, in that case why don't we take the phrase, "kicking in a skull" and we tweak it, you know, just a hair, to something like, what, like "strolling through a dewy meadow"?

EddieDewy meadow. New scene. Frank and Estelle are in their kitchen.

EstelleHere's your omelet.

FrankIt's dry.

EstelleThat's the way I always make it.

FrankWell it sucks.

EstelleWhat did you say?

FrankYour meatloaf is mushy, your salmon croquettes are oily and your eggplant parmesan is a disgrace to this house!

EstelleWell that's too bad, because I'm the only one who cooks around here!

FrankNot any more! Gimme that spatula! I'm back, baby! New scene. George and Abby are at George's office.

AbbyAnd you're sure with your busy schedule you'd have time to take on a protg?

GeorgeI'll make time, because Abby, I was once like you; wide-eyed, naive, I didn't know the first thing about a subject as fundamental as risk management.

AbbyI'm not familiar with that, you'll have to explain it to me.

GeorgeI'll tell you what, why don't you read this book and let's just see if you can explain it to me.

AbbyAlright.

GeorgeOkay. New scene. Jerry runs into Banya on a street corner.

BanyaHey Jerry.

JerryOh, hey Banya.

BanyaDidja hear what happened? The mentor saw my act. She dumped me.

JerryOh, that's too bad.

BanyaMaybe she's right. Maybe I am a complete hack. I'm the absolute worst. The worst, Jerry.

JerryWell it's just that you got so many things with the milk. You got that Bosco bit then you got your Nestl's Quik bit, by the time you get to Ovaltine--

BanyaYou think you can give me a hand with my material? New scene. Frank is knocking on Kramer's door.

KramerHey.

FrankYou still need a cook?

KramerOh yeah, come on in, Frank.

FrankYa got T-Fal?

KramerKeflon.

FrankNo! Follow me. New scene. Jerry is reviewing material with Banya. Banya (reading): Why do they call it Ovaltine? The mug is round. The jar is round. They should call it round tine. That's gold, Jerry! Gold! New scene. Elaine is reviewing copy with Eddie.

ElaineLet's just replace "hail of shrapnel" and "scar tissue" with "string of pearls" and "raspberry scones". New scene. Jerry and Abby are at Jerry's apartment.

JerryGeorge Costanza is your mentor?

AbbyYeah, he's great! I am learning so much. Abby places her risk management folder on the table.

JerryAbout what? How to calculate five percent of a restaurant check?

AbbyYou know what your problem is? You just have no respect for the mentor/mentor relationship.

JerryAs a matter of fact, I happen to have a protg of my own. Jerry places his Banya folder on the table.

AbbyWho?

JerryA Mister Kenneth Banya.

AbbyBanya?

JerryI'm gonna mentor this kid to the top.

AbbyHuh, well, I don't think I want to date a mentor whose protg is a hack. Abby picks up a folder and puts it in her bag.

JerryWell, I don't think I want to date a protg whose mentor is a Costanza. New scene. Elaine and Eddie are sharing chocolate shakes at the coffee shop.

ElaineI don't know how we did it, but there's some kind of chemistry between us, we turned out one hell of a catalog.

EddieCool.

ElaineHey Ed, let me ask you something. What's with the fatigues and all the psychotic imagery? Huh?

EddieI don't want to talk about it.

ElaineCome on, don't be a baby.

EddieI went out on a couple of dates with this woman, I thought she really liked me, and then things kind of cooled off.

ElaineThat's it?

EddieWell it's tough meeting somebody you like, let alone somebody Jewish. New scene. "Jewish Singles Night".

ElaineMm. This food is fantastic.

JerryHave you tried the hamentashen?

ElaineI can't get off the kishkas.

BanyaHey Jerry!

JerryBanya?

BanyaI just stopped by to thank you. That risk management stuff you wrote for me? It's killer!

JerryRisk management?

BanyaAw, it's gold, Jerry! Gold! I got all these corporate gigs and even Cynthia took me back. Cut to a woman talking with Eddie Sherman.

WomanSo you went from the mailroom to the director of corporate development in two days?

EddieThat's right.

WomanHow much are they paying you? I'll double it. Cut to Kramer and Frank behind a table loaded with 'Jewish delicacies'.

KramerYa know these latkes are going like hotcakes.

FrankWhere's the powdered sugar?

KramerYou know Frank, you could take a break.

FrankNo breaks. I fell reborn, I'm like a Phoenix rising from Arizona. Cut to Eddie breaking the news to Elaine.

ElaineYou're quitting?

EddieI can't churn out that pointless drivel any more.

ElaineWell, you can't quit, you're all I've got. I need you! Elaine grabs Eddie by the lapels and shakes him, Eddie chokes on a piece of bread. Frank sees this and flashes back to Korea. He runs around the room knocking plates to the floor and when Kramer tries to stop him, he heads to the loaded down table and starts to tip it over. The scene ends in mid-tip. New scene. George is prepared to give his speech at the Yankees meeting.

VoiceOur next speaker is George Costanza on the subject of risk management. George steps up and opens his folder.

GeorgeOvaltine. Have you ever had this stuff? Why is it called Ovaltine? George flips through a few pages.

GeorgeThey should call it round tine. You know what I'm talking about. Wilhelm (proudly, to the man seated beside him): He's my protg.

FrankNoooo!!! Don't eat it! No good!"

[END SHOW]