The Serenity Now

The Costanzas are driving in the car.

FrankI got no leg room back here. Move your seat forward.

EstelleThat's as far as it goes.

FrankThere's a mechanism. You just pull it, and throw your body weight.

EstelleI pulled it. It doesn't go.

FrankIf you want the leg room, say you want the leg room! Don't blame the mechanism!

GeorgeAll right, Dad, we're five blocks from the house. Sit sideways.

FrankLike an animal. Because of her, I have to sit here like an animal! Serenity now! Serenity now!

GeorgeWhat is that?

FrankDoctor gave me a relaxation cassette. When my blood pressure gets too high, the man on the tape tells me to say, 'Serenity now!'

GeorgeAre you supposed to yell it?

FrankThe man on the tape wasn't specific.

GeorgeWhat happened to the screen door? It blew off again?

EstelleI told you to fix that thing.

FrankSerenity nowww!

PattySo I told Bobby and Lisa that we'd try the new Chinese Spanish place La Caridad on Saturday.

JerryOh, I thought we had tickets for the Knicks home opener.

PattyWell I thought this would be more fun so I gave the tickets away.

JerryWhat? All right, fine.

PattyAre you mad at me?

JerryNo, I love a good Chinese Spanish whatever it is.

PattyYou know... I've never seen you mad.

JerryI get peeved.

PattyMad.

JerryMiffed.

Patty*Mad*.

JerryIrked?

PattyI'd like to see you get *really* mad.

GeorgeWhy does she want you to be mad?

JerryShe says I suppress my emotions.

GeorgeSo what do you care what she thinks.

JerryGood body.

GeorgeShe probably gets that impression because you're cool. You're under control. Like me. Nothing wrong with that.

JerryBut I get upset, I've yelled. You've heard me yell.

GeorgeNot really. Your voice kind of raises to this comedic pitch. (Kramer enters)

KramerHey.

JerryKramer, I am so sick of you comin' in here and eatin' all my food. Now shut that door and get the hell out of here!

Kramer(Laughing) What is that, a new bit?

GeorgeI told ya. Hey, any of you guys want to come out and help me fix my father's screen door in Queens?

JerrySorry, I'm fixing a screen door in the Bronx.

KramerI'll do it.

GeorgeReally? You wanna come?

KramerYeah, I love going to the country.

ElaineWhere are they goin'?

JerryFix a screen door in Queens.

Elaine(Laughing) That's funny. Hey, listen, what are you doin' Saturday night?

JerryNot goin' to the Knick game.

ElaineI need someone to go with me to Mr. Lippman's son's Bar Mitzvah.

JerryYou know, if you don't bring a guest they save a catering. You should be able to buy a cheaper gift.

Elaine(Taking out Boggle) Oh, I don't think that's possible.

Kramer(Holding camera) Get in a little closer. I can't see the screen door. (Takes picture) Perfect.

GeorgeDad, the hinges are all rusted here. That's why the wind keeps blowing the door off.

EstelleI hate that old door. Throw it out!

FrankSerenity now!

KramerIt might be time to just let her go, Frank. She's worked hard for ya.

FrankWill you put her to rest for me?

KramerOh yeah, I'll take good care of her. (Rips out the screen door)

Estelle(From other room) Get George to put those boxes in the garage.

GeorgeDad, what's all this?

Estelle(From other room) It's junk.

FrankMy computers. I've been selling them for two months now. Shut up!

GeorgeYou're selling computers?

FrankTwo months ago, I saw a provocative movie on cable TV. It was called The Net, with that girl from the bus. I did a little reading, and I realize, it wasn't that farfetched.

GeorgeDad, you know what it takes to compete with Microsoft and IBM?

FrankYes, I do. That's why I got a secret weapon... my son.

JerryDamn it, they gave me cream! I asked for nonfat milk!

PattyI think they have 1% over there.

Jerry1%?! They can kiss 1% of my ass!

PattyOK, Jerry, enough. I'm not buying it.

JerryYou're damn right you're not buying it!

PattyYou shouldn't have to try. It's just being open.

JerryI'm open. There's just nothing in there.

PattySarcastically) Uh huh.

JerryOh, you think I'm lying about this?

PattyI think you are.

JerryWell, I'm not.

PattyYes, you are, liar.

JerryOh, stop it.

PattyOK, liar.

JerryThat's enough!

PattyOoh, that was good.

JerryReally? It felt good.

ElaineCongratulations, Mr. Lippman.

LippmanOh, Elaine. My boy's a man today. Can you believe it? He's a man.

ElaineOh, congratulations, Adam. (Adam zealously French-kisses Elaine)

AdamI'm a man!

JerryTongue?

ElaineYeah.

GeorgeWow! I didn't try that 'til I was 23.

JerryWell this kid's not just a man. He's a man's man.

ElaineAnd I think he's been telling his friends. I got invitations to six more Bar Mitzvahs. (phone rings)

JerryHello? Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld. No, no, no, I do not want to stop over in Cincinnati. Well, then you upgrade me. That's right, you should thank me. Goodbye. (Hangs up) Hey, I'm flyin' first class.

ElaineWhere did that come from?

JerryPatty showed me how to get mad. You gotta problem with that?

ElaineNo.

JerryGood.

GeorgeAll right, relax, tough guy. I got to go out to my father's garage, help him sell some computers.

JerryWhat? The two of you workin' in that garage is like a steel cage death match.

GeorgeKramer.

KramerYeah.

GeorgeWhat-what are you doing?

KramerOh, I'm putting up Frank's screen door. This beauty's got a little life in her yet.

JerryWhat do you need it for?

Kramer(Closing door) The cool evening breezes of Anytown, USA. Let's see how this baby closes. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

GeorgeMorning, ma.

Estelle(From another room ) You're late!

GeorgeMorning, dad.

FrankI'm not 'dad' in the workplace. My professional name is Mr. Costanza, and I will refer to you as 'Costanza'. Morning, Braun.

Lloyd(Handing Frank coffee) Morning, George. Two cream, no sugar.

GeorgeWhat is Lloyd Braun doing here?

FrankYour mother recommended him.

GeorgeYeah, of course she did. That's all I ever heard growing up is 'Why can't you be more like Lloyd Braun?' Did you know he was in a mental institution?

FrankI didn't read his resume.

Braun(Ringing the sale bell) Another sale, Mr. Costanza. Chalk me up on the big board.

George(Inquiring about the chalk board) What is this? Frank (Drawing a zero under George's name) This is your lagging. Good work, Braun. Estelle (From another room) Good for you, Lloyd!

ElaineSo Adam, I just talked to your father, and, apology accepted.

AdamI'm not apologizing. It was great. I told everyone.

ElaineYeah, I know. Uh, by the way, could you do me a favor and tell Mitchell Tanenbaum that I will be unable to attend this Saturday.

AdamAre you free Friday night?

ElaineI am, but that is not the point. You are thirteen, and I am in my early... 20s.

AdamBut I'm a man. The rabbi said so.

ElaineNo. You are not a man. It takes a *long* time to become a man. I mean, half my friends aren't even there yet.

AdamWell, if I'm not a man, then this whole thing was a sham! First, they said I was gonna get great gifts, and then, somebody gives me Boggle. I renounce my religion!

LippmanWho wants cookies?

AdamAs of this moment, I am no longer Jewish. I quit!

LippmanWhat?

Elaine(Eating) Walnuts, mmmmmm.

FrankYou're late again, Costanza, so listen up. Starting tonight, we're having a little sales contest. The loser gets fired, the winner gets a Waterpik.

Estelle(From another room) You're not giving away our Waterpik!

FrankSerenity now!

GeorgeYou know what? It doesn't matter, because I quit!

FrankI guess your mother was right. You never could compete with Lloyd Braun! (Lloyd rings his sale bell and smiles)

GeorgeYou wanna sell computers? I will show *you* how to sell computers! Hello, Mr. Farneman. You wanna buy a computer? No? Why not? All right, I see! Good answer! Thank you! (Lloyd rings his sale bell) Serenity now!

ElaineAdam, you don't become a man overnight. Look at your father. It takes time. Patience, experience. Uh, several careers of varying success. And these are things I look for in a man.

Adam(Storming out of the room) Well, that does me a lot of good. 'Early 20s'!

ElaineWell, I'm sorry, sir, I tried.

LippmanSo, that's the type of guy you're looking for?

ElaineUhh. I guess so. Why? (Mr. Lippman vigorously starts making out with her)

Patty(Surveying Kramer's hall patio ) What is this?

Jerry(Knocking on Kramer's door) Anytown, U.S.A. Hello? Is Kramer home? Oh, hey.

Kramer(Spraying his flowers) Hello, neighbor.

JerryBoy, those azaleas are really coming in nicely.

KramerOh, you gotta mulch. You've got to.

JerryYou barbecuing tonight?

Kramer(Ringing his wind chimes) Right after the fireworks.

JerrySo, where do you want to eat tonight?

PattyHow about La Caridad again?

JerryAgain!? How much flan can a person eat!?

PattyJerry, you've been yelling at me all afternoon.

JerryWell, I don't think more flan is the answer!

PattyMaybe I should just leave.

Jerry'Maybe'!?

PattyGood-bye!

JerryDouble good-bye! (As Patty leaves, open door reveals Kramer, sitting on his lawn chair with a sparkler)

KramerHey, buddy!

Elaine(Coming in Jerry's apartment) Hey. Happy New Year! Kramer (Getting the door slammed on him) Y'all come back reeeaall...

ElaineDid you and Patty just break up?

JerryYeah! In fact, she broke up with me! And I don't want to talk about it!

ElaineWell, then you're free tonight. You know what, I heard about this great place called La Caridad.

JerryThat's the last thing she said to me. She wanted to go there also, but I wasn't in the mood.

ElaineWhoa. What is the matter?

JerryIt's Patty.

ElaineJerry, you break up with a girl every week.

Jerry(Crying) What--what is this salty discharge?

ElaineOh my God. You're crying.

JerryThis is horrible! I care!

JerryPatty won't call me back. I don't know if I can live without her.

KramerShe's really gotten to you, hasn't she?

JerryI don't know what's happening to me.

KramerSimple. You let out one emotion, all the rest will come with it. It's like Endora's box.

JerryThat was the mother on Bewitched. You mean Pandora.

KramerYeah, well, she... had one, too. (George enters)

GeorgeJerry, can I talk to you for a second? (They enter Jerry's apartment)

Kramer(Baseball flies at Kramer and hits him) That's it, that's it! I warned you kids. I told you not to play in front of my house. This time, I'm keepin' it. And you're not getting back your rock either!

George(hearing Jerry broke up with Patty) Are you still down in the dumps? Come on. It's just a chick.

JerryYou ever heard of a little thing called feelings?

GeorgeWell, I got just the thing to cheer you up. A computer! Huh? We can check porn, and stock quotes.

JerryPorn quotes... I'm so lucky to have a friend like you, George. Ever tell you how much I love you?

GeorgeWhat?

JerryI love you, George. Come here.

GeorgeI-I'm already here. I'm here. I'm here. Uh, you know what? If you want a computer, call me. I-I gotta go.

JerryGo wherever you want. I'm still gonna love you.

KramerLook what they did. Look what they did to my house! I turn my back for two seconds, and they put shaving cream all over my door. You, I see you! I'll teach these kids a lesson. Where's that house I put under your sink?

JerryHose under my sink. I love *you*, Kramer!

KramerI love you, too, buddy, and George--

GeorgeI don't want to hear it, Kramer!

KramerListen, when I give you the signal, I want you to turn this water on full blast.

GeorgeWhat signal? What-what signal?

KramerI'll yell, uh, 'Hoochie mama!'

GeorgeIf I do it, will you buy a computer?

KramerOn the signal, George. On the signal.

GeorgeOnly if you buy. I gotta make a sale.

JerryI love you, Costanza.

GeorgeWill you shut up?!

KramerNow! Now, George! Turn on the faucet! George, turn on the faucet! Hoochie mama! Hoochie mama! Hoochie mamamaaaaa!

ElaineSo now the *other* Lippman kissed me.

GeorgeWell, sure. They're Jewish, and you're a shiksa.

ElaineWhat?

GeorgeIt means a non-Jewish woman.

ElaineI know what it means, but what does being a shiksa have to do with it?

GeorgeYou've got 'shiksappeal'. Jewish men love the idea of meeting a woman that's not like their mother.

ElaineOh, that's insane.

GeorgeI'll tell you what's insane: the price that I could get you on a new desktop computer.

ElaineI am not buying a computer from you.

GeorgeThere's porn.

Elaine(Pausing) Even so.

GeorgeDamn it!

ElaineDon't get me wrong, Mr. Lippman. I-I'm very flattered that you found me attractive enough to... lunge at me. Huh. But the only reason you like me is because I'm a shiksa.

LippmanThat's simply not true.

ElaineIf you weren't Jewish, you wouldn't be interested in me.

LippmanYou are wrong. I'll prove it.

ElaineOh, no. Don't!

LippmanI renounce Judaism!

ElaineOy vey!

JerryWhat happened to you, pal?

KramerJoey Zanfino and some of the neighborhood kids. They ambushed me with a box of 'Grade A's.

JerryAre you all right?

KramerOh, no. I'm fine. Serenity now. Serenity now. Serenity now.

JerrySo, you're using Frank's relaxation method? Kramer (Trying to open a back of chips) Jerry, the anger, it just melts right off. Serenity now. Look at this. Serenity now! Elaine (Entering Jerry's apartment) Hey, what happened to you?

KramerSerenity! (He exits)

ElaineWell. You are not gonna believe this. Now Lippman is renounced. This shiksa thing is *totally* out of control. What is *with* you people? What are you looking at?

JerrySit down, Elaine.

ElaineOh, no. Jerry, I can't take any more gentle sobbing.

JerryI've been thinking about what it means to be complete.

ElaineDo you have an apple or anything?

JerryLook at us, hurtling through space on this big, blue marble.

ElaineOr a nectarine? I would absolutely love a nectarine.

JerryLooking everywhere for some kind of meaning...

ElaineWhy am I in such a fruit mood? Ahh, banana!

JerryWhen all the while, the real secret to happiness has been right in front of us!

ElaineWhat?

JerryElaine...

George(Entering Jerry's apartment with a cartload of computers) Jerry, I've found a way to beat Lloyd Braun! I buy the computers myself, I store 'em in your apartment. Then, after I win the contest, I bring 'em all back and get my money back. Ha ha! It's brilliant. What? What's wrong with your leg?

JerryI'm asking Elaine to marry me. George (Leaving) I'll store these over at Kramer's apartment.

JerryElaine?

ElaineUhh, Jerry, I've got a lot goin' on with, uh, Lippman right now.

JerryLippman? Elaine (Trying to get her bag to leave) Yeah, and him too. What?! Oh, yeah! I think George is calling me, so I'm gonna go give him a hand. Come on! Come on!

JerryCan I help you?

ElaineNo. Stay! Stay. Stay.

FrankHey, Braun, Costanza's kicking your butt! George (using the phone) Watch how it's done. Oh, hello, Mr. Vandelay? Would you like to buy a computer? Oh, really? Two dozen?

FrankCostanza, you're white hot!

PhoneIf you'd like to make a call, please hang up and--

FrankHey, Braun, I got good news and bad news. And they're both the same: you're fired. Costanza, you've won the water pik!

EstelleYou're not gonna give away that water pik!

FrankYou wanna bet? Serenity now, serenity now!

LloydYou know, you should tell your dad that 'serenity now' thing doesn't work. It just bottles up the anger, and eventually, you blow.

GeorgeWhat do you know? You were in the nut house.

LloydWhat do you think put me there?

GeorgeI heard they found a family in your freezer

LloydSerenity now. Insanity later.

Jerry(Entering the hallway to his apartment) What happened here, Kramer?

KramerSerenity now, serenity now...

JerryKramer!

KramerGeez! Jerry, I didn't here you come in. Yeah, the children, they've done sum redecorating. Serenity now, serenity now.

JerryYou don't look well.

KramerWell, that's odd, 'cause I feel perfectly at peace with the world- uh! eggs! you! Serenity now, serenity now, serenity now.

JerryOh, I'm sorry. Look at me, I stepped on your last rose. Kramer (going into his apartment) Jerry, come on. Don't get upset about it. There's always next spring. Now will you excuse me for a moment. Serenity nooooooooww!

GeorgeJerry! I did it! Haha! I beat Braun!

Kramer(crashing and banging in his apartment) Serenity now!

GeorgeCome on, wanna give me a hand with the computers?

Kramer(Crashing and banging around) Serenity nooooowwwww!

GeorgeWhy couldn't you squeeze one of those stupid rubber balls to get your stress out? Why did you have to destroy *twenty-five* computers?

Kramer(Leaving) George, you listen to me. I owe ya one.

JerryHe's incorrigible. You want to talk about it?

GeorgeOh, please don't tell me you love me again, Jerry, I can't handle it.

JerryGeorge, letting my emotions out was the best thing I've ever done. Sure I'm not funny anymore, but there's more to life than making shallow, fairly-obvious observations. How about you?

GeorgeAll right... here goes...

ElaineRabbi, is there anything I can do to combat this Shiks-appeal?

RabbiHa! Elaine, shiks-appeal is a myth, like the Yeti, or his North American cousin, the Sasquatch.

ElaineWell, something's goin' on here, 'cause every able-bodied Israelite in the county is driving pretty strong to the hoop.

RabbiElaine, there's much you don't understand about the Jewish religion. For example, did you know that rabbis are allowed to date?

Elaine(About to leave) Well, what does that have to do...?

RabbiYou know, a member of my congregation has a timeshare in Myrtle Beach. Perhaps, if you're not too busy, we could wing on down after the High Holidays? Elaine? 'Lainie?

GeorgeSo, that's it. All of my darkest fears, and... everything I'm capable of. That's me.

JerryYikes. Well, good luck with all that.

GeorgeWhere you going? I-I thought I could count on you for a little compassion.

JerryI think you scared me straight.

ElaineAll right, Jerome, I'm in.

JerryWhat?

ElaineMaybe we should get married. Maybe everything we need is right here in front of us. Jer... let's do it.

JerryI tell ya, I don't see it happening.

ElaineWhat? What happened to the new Jerry?

JerryHe doesn't work here anymore.

ElaineOh, well that's just *great!*

GeorgeI love you, Jerry. Jerry (Leaving) Right back at ya, Slick.

GeorgeYou know, all these years, I've always wanted to see the two of you get back together.

ElaineWell, that's because you're an idiot.

FrankYou single-handedly brought Costanza and Son to the brink of bankruptcy.

GeorgeWell what about all the Lloyd Braun sales?

FrankHe's crazy. His phone wasn't even hooked up. He just liked ringing that bell.

EstelleI told you to clean out this garage. I have to put my car in!

FrankThis is a place of business. I told you never to come in here. Serenity now!

EstelleAll right...

GeorgeDad, you really should lay off the 'serenity now' stuff.

FrankSo, what am I supposed to say?

George'Hoochie mama'?

EstelleMove your crap, I'm comin' in!

FrankNo you're not! Hoochie mama! Hoochie mama!

[END SHOW]