Jerry’s parents trust Kramer to babysit him. George combines food and sex. Elaine’s friends think she’s a bad influence. Kramer stores his blood supply in Jerry’s fridge.
[Jerry's Apartment, 5A. Morty and Helen are packing suitcases.]
JerryAre you sure you can't stay longer?
MortyNo, we just came for the funeral. `
HelenPoor Marvin Kessler, he went too early.
JerryHe was 96 years old.
MortyThat had nothing to do with it, the man was out of shape.
HelenThat's why we joined a program. We walk once around the block three times a week.
MortyAnd every morning I eat a plum.
JerryWell, what ever you do, you're wearing me out.
HelenWhat about you?
MortyYeah, looks like you're getting a little spare tire there, tiger.
JerryReally?
[Kramer comes in]
KramerHey, Seinfelds!
MortyHey, Mr. Kramer!
KramerHow long are you staying?
HelenWe just came down for a funeral.
KramerOh yeah, yeah I heard, Marvin Kessler. Boy, that makes you think. If he could go...
HelenSee you downstairs with the car.
JerryAre you sure you don't need a hand with that?
MortyNo no, the luggage is on the program. I got a brick in here.
[Morty and Helen leave. Kramer pulls out a band aid from his arm.]
JerryDid you give blood?
KramerNo, not giving. hoarding. I'm storing it in to a blood bank. Just in case.
JerryIn case of what?
KramerJerry, I know myself. If I'm out on the street and it's starts to go down, I don't back off until it's finished.
JerryAre we finished?
KramerDone.
[Elaine is visiting her friend Vivian.]
VivianElaine, I'm so glad you came out.
ElaineYeah...
VivianYou haven't seen Jimmy for years.
ElaineI know, I'm glad I got to see him before he hit puberty and got, you know all lurchy and awkward.
VivianActually, I'm gonna need someone to look after him tomorrow evening.
ElaineTomorrow evening, sure.
VivianDo you know anyone responsible?
ElaineDo I know anyone??
VivianWell, if you think of anybody, give me a call.
[George is with his girlfriend Tara. She is lighting a candle.]
GeorgeWhat are you doing?
TaraIncense, for the mood.
GeorgeOh yes, by no means, the mood. Let me know if there's anything I can do to lend support to the mood.
[Takes of his shoes and smells the candle.]
GeorgeUm, cream soda?
TaraVanilla.
[Monk's Cafe. Jerry and Elaine.]
ElaineCan you believe that, Vivian doesn't think I'm responsible?
JerryWho wants to responsible? When ever anything goes wrong, the first thing they ask is: who's responsible for this?
ElaineI couldn't raise a kid? Come on, I love bossing people around.
[George comes to the table and starts eating Jerry's fries.]
JerryWhat happened, I thought you were with Tara tonight?
GeorgeI was, I had to leave. She lit some vanilla incenses. The smell drove me nuts, all I could think about was food, I had to get out of there. We need some pudding here! Pudding!
ElaineYou just left? What did you tell her?
GeorgeI told I had a bus transfer that was only good just for another hour.
JerryWhat?
GeorgeI don't know, I was starving Jerry!
[Waitress bring pudding to George.]
GeorgeOh, pudding! You want some?
JerryHey, you guys think I'm getting a little...chunky?
GeorgeWhat are you kidding? We look great! You know what this pudding needs? The skin on the top, you know like your mother used to make it on the stove.
JerryElaine, what do you think?
ElaineI think you're getting a little pudding under the skin yourself.
[Kramer is at the County Blood Bank.]
KramerMy service rates went up? You banks are all the same with your hidden fees and your service charges. Well, maybe I'll just take my blood elsewhere, yeah.
Bank employeeWell, we can transfer to another bank for you.
KramerOh, no no no...no more banks. I'm keeping my blood in my freezer with...my money!
[George and Tara.]
GeorgeSo eh, what do you say?
TaraI guess we could use some food in our lovemaking.
GeorgeOk, we got your...got your strawberries, your chocolate sauce, your pastrami on rye with mustard, your honey...
TaraWait wait wait, pastrami on rye with mustard?
GeorgeOh yeah yeah, don't you know they used pastrami in that movie 9 weeks? Remember the pastrami scene?
TaraNo.
GeorgeWell, maybe it was Ghostbusters? Where ever it was, it worked!
[George takes a big bite and charges on to Tara.]
[Monk's Cafe, Jerry and George.]
JerryDidn't go for it, huh?
GeorgeNo.
JerrySo, she didn't appreciate the erotic qualities of the salted cured meats?
GeorgeShe tolerated the strawberries and the chocolate sauce, but eh, it's not a meal, you know? Food and sex, those are my two passions. It's only natural to combine them.
JerryNatural? Sex is about love between a man and a woman, not a man and a sandwich.
GeorgeJerry, I'm not suggesting getting rid of the girl. She's integral.
JerryMaybe instead of trying to satisfy two of your needs, how about satisfying one of somebody else's.
GeorgeHey, speaking of which, I found a great way to separate the skin from the top of the pudding without leaving any around the edges; Exacto knife.
JerryI told you George, no more pudding. I'm starting a purification program. Keep all that kind of food away from me.
GeorgeWell, I guess these would be out of the question. [pulls out two pudding skins in plastic bags.]
JerryWhat the hell is that?
GeorgePudding skin singles.
[5A, Kramer and Jerry.]
KramerHey buddy, I'm borrowing all your Tupperware.
JerryOh, why?
KramerI closed down my account at the blood bank.
JerryWhat, it...it's here in the building?
KramerRight across the hall. What, you wanna go see?
JerryNo I don't! In fact, if even one corpuscles of that blood should find it's way across that hall I will freak out on you Kramer! Freak out.
KramerYou know, for a fat guy you're not very jolly.
[Elaine comes in.]
ElaineHey, working out?
JerryYou know it and I ditched all my junk food.
[Kramer looks to the fridge.]
KramerWhat the heck is going on here?
JerrySorry buddy, clean house. It's all health food.
KramerWell, I may have to take it, but I don't have to like it.
ElaineVivian left me a message. I guess a certain someone changed her mind about whether someone was responsible enough to watch certain other someone.
JerryIs this about me?
ElaineNo.
JerryOh, then I lost interest.
[Elaine calls on the phone.]
ElaineVivian, hi it's Elaine. Yeah, I'm over at Jerry's, I got your message...What? Yeah, he's right here, hold on...[hands the phone to Kramer.]
KramerFor me? Go...Yeah, what tonight? Yeah, I'll be there...Yeah later. [puts the phone down] Well, somebody's baby-sitting.
ElaineYou? I'm more responsible than you are!
KramerDon't be ridiculous. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to fill my freezer with my own blood.
[George is in bed with Tara. He reaches to the drawer for some sandwich.]
GeorgeOh, Tara!
[Kramer comes to the Vivian's house and bangs the screen door.]
KramerHello, Vivian! Oh, this is a nice screen.
[Elaine comes and taps him on the back.]
ElaineKramer...
KramerDon't take my money!
ElaineIt is me, you idiot. Hi, all right you've got to get out of here, I'm gonna baby-sit the hell out of that kid.
KramerNo, I'm the baby-sitter.
ElaineNo no no, you're out, I'm in. Now, hit the road.
[Vivian comes to open the door and Elaine pushes Kramer off the porch.]
VivianElaine? What are you doing here?
ElaineKramer is actually sleeping one off, so I thought that I'd help out...[Kramer moans from the bushes] what's that, some raccoon or something...[hits Kramer with a broom.]
VivianWell, I guess this would be all right. Jimmy, you remember Elaine? She's gonna watch you tonight.
ElaineHi Jimmy. [Jimmy kicks Elaine to the shin.] Ouch! [The screen door hits her in the head.]
[5A, Kramer and Jerry.]
JerryHey, what are you doing here? I thought you were baby-sitting at Vivian's.
KramerThere was an incident.
JerryOh no, where's the blood? [opens the fridge] It's in here isn't it?
KramerWould you stop it.
JerryWhat is this?
KramerIt's Jell-O.
JerryWhat about this? This is blood isn't it?!
KramerThis is tomato juice, look...[drinks from the bottle.]
JerryOoh, you're sick! You're sick!!
KramerWill you calm down. I took all my blood down to Newman's. He let me put it in his meat freezer.
JerryHey, what's going on? Who made pudding?
KramerOh yeah yeah, George he came by and made more of those pudding skin singles. They're delicious.
JerryDamn that George, I told him I don't want this stuff around here anymore...
[Jerry hits a spatula on the table and one Exacto knife flies through the air.]
KramerHeads up!
JerryAaah...
[Elaine is on the baby-sitting gig and Jimmy is shooting her with a toy gun.]
JimmyYou're dead, president Lincoln! You're dead!
ElaineI wish I was dead.
JimmyCan I have your juice?
ElaineAs long as you don't put...
[Jimmy pours the juice to Elaine's bag.]
ElaineThanks for the re-fill.
[Jimmy runs laughing from the room and Vivian comes in.]
VivianHey, Elaine! How did it go?
ElaineOh, he's...he's a joy...
VivianReally? Some sitter have told me he's bit of a handful.
ElaineOh, handful of sunshine. I wish I could do this every day.
VivianOh Elaine, that's so good to hear. I've been having a few health problems lately.
ElaineIt's not serious, is it?
VivianWell, it might be. Just in case anything does happen, it's nice to know there's somebody like you around.
ElaineOh yeah, that eh...that is nice to know. [Pours the juice from the bag back to glass.]
[Jerry wakes up at the hospital. Kramer is staring at him up close.]
JerryAah!
KramerIt's ok, Jerry. I'm right here.
JerryI can see that! What happened?
KramerThat knife, it nicked your jugular. You know Jerry, when somebody yells 'heads up', you're not supposed to actually look up.
JerryI'll remember that.
KramerAnyway, you were lucky that I was there. You lost a lot of blood.
JerryWhat?
KramerOh yeah, you've got three pints of Kramer in you, buddy.
[Jerry starts screaming and Kramer joins him.]
[Monk's Cafe. Jerry and George.]
GeorgeThree pints of Kramer's blood?
JerryI can feel his blood inside of me. Borrowing things from my blood.
GeorgeWell, so much for purification week.
JerrySo, how's the fornicating gourmet?
GeorgeDoing quite well, thank you. Yesterday I had a soft boiled egg and a quickie. You know what? If I could add TV to the equation, that would really be the ultimate.
JerryGeorge, we're trying to have a civilization here.
[Elaine comes in.]
ElaineHey.
JerryHey, how was baby-sitting?
ElaineOh, just great. I found out that Vivian has some kind of medical problem and if the worst happens she wants me to take care of Jimmy.
JerryOh, I'm sure it won't be the worst.
ElaineIt doesn't matter. If anything happens to her, I'm on deck! Scissors mishap, air show disaster, chinese organ thieves...it's a dangerous world.
GeorgeShe's right, I heard Kramer got mugged out on the suburbs on a baby-sitting gig.
JerryReally?
[5A, Kramer and Jerry.]
KramerLook at this, look at the hair on the back of my neck. It's all bramble, see it's like thicket back there. Look, I need somebody to shave it for me, huh?
JerryI'm not touching that thing.
KramerWell, I have to say I'm very surprised and disappointed - blood brother.
JerryOh, no...
KramerWhat? Jerry, I gave you my blood. Listen to your pulse, [takes Jerry hand] hey buddy-hey buddy-hey buddy...
JerryKramer, I'm not shaving your neck.
KramerSo, my blood is not enough. Would you like a kidney too, because I'll give it to you? I'll rip it out right here and stack it on the table!
JerryAll right, all right I'll do it, sit down.
KramerNo no no, I don't have time right now. I'll catch you tonight, we'll do sort of an all over kind of thing, all right?
[Kramer leaves. Jerry phone rings and he answers.]
JerryHello?
[It's Helen and Morty.]
HelenKramer called, he told that you were in a hospital.
JerryKramer called you?
HelenHe calls every week. Are you all right?
JerryYes, I'm fine.
HelenHe says he's fine.
MortyTell him to eat a plum.
HelenJerry, you really have to take better care of yourself. We bought you some session with a personal trainer.
JerryI don't need a personal trainer. [Kramer comes in] all right I've got to go, we'll talk about this later.
MortyPlum...[Jerry hangs up.]
JerryWhy are you calling my parents?
KramerWell, maybe if you called more often, I wouldn't have to. Listen, is it all right if I watch a tape in here?
JerryWhy here?
KramerWell, I'm taping Canadian Parliament, you know on C-Span.
JerryOk...
KramerIs it all right if I watch it in your bedroom, cause your bed is really nice?
JerryFine...
KramerOk!
[Newman runs in with two boxes of popcorn.]
JerryNo no no no no no no no no no! I do not want that in here!
KramerBlood!
JerryAll right.
[Knock on the door. Jerry opens and it's Izzy Mandelbaum.]
IzzyHello, dough boy.
JerryMr. Mandelbaum? You're the personal trainer?
IzzyI'm here to whip you in to shape, so grab your jocks - if you need one. It's go-time.
[Elaine is on another baby-sitting gig at Vivian's. Vivian comes in and Elaine is sleeping on the couch, smoking a cigar.]
VivianElaine? Elaine?
ElaineOh, hi, oh God. I didn't here you come in.
VivianWhere's Jimmy?
ElaineI don't know, I don't know...we had HoHos for dinner and then eh...and then he put this plastic bag over his head and started running around until he got tired and then he laid down somewhere I...I tell you I'm no good watching that kid.
VivianSleeping like an angel. Elaine, you're the best.
ElaineNo! I'm a scatter brain. That's why I probably can't hold a job or keep a man!
VivianBe quiet. So, will you watch Jimmy tomorrow?
ElaineAll right, but I'm running out of purses here. [takes her purse from a punch ball.]
[The Gladiator Gym. Jerry and Mr. Mandelbaum.]
JerryOk Mr. Mandelbaum, what you want me to do?
IzzyDrop your purse, and pick up that medicine ball.
JerryIs this a gym, or some kind of fitness museum?
IzzyNot funny, over your head with it. Are you ready?
JerryFor what?
IzzyAll aboard in the pain train!
[Izzy starts hitting Jerry's stomach with weak taps.]
JerryHow many session did my parents paid for?
IzzyNot enough to make a man of you, daffodil.
[George and Tara are in bed. George reaches out for a sandwich]
GeorgeOohoho...spicy mustard...woohoho, you're hot tonight!
TaraOh, George!
GeorgeAnd now for the trifecta. [Picks up a hand held TV and gets back under the covers.]
TaraGeorge? George? What are you doing?! [Pulls the covers off. George is eating a sandwich and watching TV.]
GeorgePleasuring you?
[5A. Kramer and Newman are making sausages. Tape recorder plays Jackie Davis: Manana. Jerry comes in.]
JerryWhat is this?
KramerWe're making sausages.
[Jerry stops the tape.]
JerryI thought you were gonna watch a video.
KramerYeah, an instructional video about how to make your own sausages.
JerryKramer, I'm not in a mood for this.
KramerAll right, all right. Newman, let's go grab some mail sacks and haul these beauties out of here.
[Kramer starts the tape again and he and Newman leave.]
JerryBlood over there, sausages over here. I'm living in a slaughter house.
[Izzy Mandelbaum comes in with a plywood plate.]
IzzyTonight I want you to sleep on this. Toughens the vertebrae. [Looks at the sausages] What in holy hell? Sausages? Is this your diet?
JerryNo they're not mine Mr. Mandelbaum...
IzzyDon't lie to me, butter bean. We're taking it up a notch.
[Monk's Cafe. Jerry and George.]
JerrySo, the free love buffet is over?
GeorgeI got greedy. Flew too close to the sun on wings of pastrami.
JerryYeah, that's what you did...I can't believe I got another session with Izzy Mandelbaum, he's probably makes me box a kangaroo.
[George eats a sandwich and gets flustered.]
JerryWhat's going on?
GeorgeI don't know. This sandwich is making me flush.
JerryOh no, I'll tell you what you did Caligula; you combined food and sex in to one disgusting uncontrollable urge.
GeorgeI think you're right. You gonna eat that?
JerryNo, but please tell me that's all you're gonna do with it.
[Elaine comes in]
ElaineJerry, I tell you; if this woman dies, it is going to be a major inconvenience.
GeorgeThese fries are really really good...
JerryAll right, that's enough of that. [Jerry takes the plates and hands them to a waitress.]
ElaineI mean I can't shake this woman. You know, now I have to go to Jimmy's birthday party.
GeorgeUuh, sleepy.
ElaineNo matter what I do, I cannot weasel out of raising this kid.
JerryWell, sleepy here is quite a weasel, maybe he can bat for you.
ElaineYeah, that's what I need; a pinch weasel.
[Kramer comes in.]
KramerWhy did you get rid of that sausage?
JerryIt wasn't me, it was Mr. Mandelbaum.
KramerYeah well, Newman's not happy, he booted me out of his freezer. Look, I've got to take my blood back to the bank, can I borrow your car?
JerryWhat's wrong with yours?
KramerI got no A/C and I gotta keep the blood cold or it'll go bad.
JerryAll right, but this is it, this is the last favor, we're even!
KramerAll right, Even Steven. Oh, by the way, when you get back to your apartment try to keep it down because Newman is taking a nap in your bed.
[Jerry's car. Kramer is taking the blood to the bank. Manaja song is playing.]
[Kramer looks at the car's thermometer and it gets on hot.]
KramerOh, man...[looks to the glove compartment for a manual.] "If the engine begins to overheat, turn off air conditioner". Never, I can't do that.
[Engine begins to smoke.]
KramerOh, mama...
[Kramer stops and opens the hood.]
KramerShees, come on...[opens the radiator]..this thing is bone dry. [Looks at the blood.]
[Elaine is visiting Vivian.]
ElaineVivian...
VivianElaine!
ElaineHi! This is my friend George.
VivianHi...
ElaineI'm gonna go say hi to Jimmy.
VivianOk.
Elaine whispers to GeorgeYou're up.
VivianOh, isn't Elaine fantastic?
GeorgeYes she is. It's a pity we won't be seeing much more of her.
VivianReally, why?
GeorgeOh, you haven't heard, she's going to live with her grandparents in Redding Pennsylvania.
VivianHer grandparent passed away five years ago.
GeorgeYes they did. I was covering. Elaine has been deported back to Scotland.
VivianShe's American citizen, I have seen her passport.
GeorgeAll right, no more lies. Elaine is been chosen to represent the Upper West Side in the next Biosphere project.
VivianI haven't heard anything about another Biosphere.
GeorgeThat's because it's underwater.
VivianThis is insane.
GeorgeIs it?
VivianYes it it.
GeorgeWell, it's all for charity, so what's the difference.
[Oven pings]
VivianYou...very knowledgeable.
GeorgeWell, I'm also an architect. Is that pastrami?
VivianYes it is. I find the pastrami to be the most sensual of all the salted cured meats. Hungry?
GeorgeVery.
[They kiss and fall down to the floor.]
VivianOh, wait...[Vivian turns the TV on.] Oohh...
GeorgeVivian!!
[Jerry's has belt and it's connected to the car with a rope. Izzy and Izzy Jr. are in the car.]
JerryIs this really necessary?
IzzyIf you wanna live in a butcher shop, I'm gonna treat you like a piece of meat.
JerryWhat if I can't keep up?
IzzyYou lie, you dry. Fire it up, son.
Izzy Jr.Right dad, Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum...
Izzy and Izzy JrMandelbaum, Mandelbaum...[Izzy Jr. drives ahead, but the car starts jerking]
IzzyMove it, move it! Get those knees up! Come on, kick it, kick it!
JerryWhat's going on?
Izzy Jr.There's something wrong with your car. It's dripping something on my feet. Some kind of red liquid.
JerryOh my God, the blood!
Izzy Jr.Blood!!
[Izzy Jr. floors the gas pedal and Jerry falls down.]
IzzyGet up boy, get up! We got a problem here! Tough it up. This is for real, you've got to want it...
[Jerry and Elaine in a hospital.]
ElaineSo how long did they drag you?
JerryWell, for the first quarter mile they thought that I was just doggin' it.
[George and Jimmy come in]
ElaineHi George. Hi Jimmy.
GeorgeYeah, Jimmy why don't you wait outside, you know, play with something.
[Jimmy kicks George in to the shin.]
GeorgeOuch!
JerryWhat's the kid doing here?
GeorgeI'm baby-sitting! Vivian asked me to raise him if she doesn't make it.
JerryOh, that's a drag...
[Kramer comes in.]
KramerThat kid...
JerryYou put blood in the car?!
KramerJerry, it was overheating. You should take better care of that thing.
JerryWell, they told me that I got more blood, so I guess I owe you again.
KramerYou didn't get the blood from me.
JerryThen who?
[Newman comes in and he has band aid in his arm.]
NewmanHello Jerry.
JerryAaaaahhh...!!!
Jerry and KramerAaaahhh...!!! Jerry, Kramer and Newman: Aaaaahhh...!!!
[END SHOW]