NBC offers Jerry a new pilot. The gang flies to Paris on a private jet. When the plane makes an emergency landing in Latham, Massachusetts, they witness a carjacking and do nothing.
[Monologue, on stage]
JerryIt seems like whenever these office people call you in for a meeting, the whole thing is about the sitting down. I would really like to sit down with you. I think we need to sit down and talk. Why don't you come in, and we'll sit down. Well, sometimes the sitting down doesn't work. People get mad at the sitting.You know, we've been sitting here for I don't know how long. How much longer are we just going to sit here? I'll tell you what I think we should do. I think we should all sleep on it. Maybe we're not getting down low enough. Maybe if we all lie down, then our brains will work.
[Jerry and George at Monks]
GeorgeI can't eat this without catsup. Would it kill her to check up on us? Would that be a terrible thing? "How's everything? Do you need anything? What can I do for you?"
JerryI know what you mean.
GeorgeDo ya?
JerryIt's like going out with someone and you never hear from them again.
GeorgeSame thing!
JerryNot really, but it's something. Ask the people behind you.
GeorgeExcuse me. Are you using your catsup?
WomanWhat do you think? You want to give him the catsup?
ManIt's up to you.
WomanYou know what? I don't think so. I'm going to need it from time to time.
JerrySo what are you doing later? You want to go to the movies?
GeorgeNah - what for?
JerryTo see a movie.
GeorgeI've been to the movies.
JerryNot this movie.
GeorgeThey're all the same. You go, you sit, you eat popcorn, you watch. I'm sick of it.
JerryDid you shower today?
GeorgeYeah.
JerryThat's usually the kind of mood I'm in when I haven't showered.
GeorgeWhen is it going to be my turn, Jerry? When do I get my 15 minutes? I want my 15 minutes!
JerryOh, quit complaining. At least you have your health.
GeorgeAh! Health's not good enough. I want more than health. Health's not doing it for me anymore. I'm sick of health.
WomanAll right, we're done. You can have it now.
GeorgeOh, very gracious.
[Jerry and George are walking down the sidewalk. Kramer and Elaine drive up.]
ManNice day
GeorgeYeah.
JerryWhat is that?
KramerHey! JoJo!
JerryEy, ey!
ElaineAll right, thanks for the ride, Kramer.
KramerNo, thank you. So what are you doing?
JerryNothing.
KramerCome on, let's go to the beach.
GeorgeWhat are you crazy?
KramerWhat? It's a beautiful day.
JerryHave a good time.
KramerYeah, there's something in the air today. You feel it? There's something in the air.
JerryYou know you're turning into Burt Lancaster?
KramerYeah, there's something in the air.
[Kramer drives off]
ElaineOh, I forgot to call Jill. Jill. Hi, it's Elaine. How is your father? Is everything okay? What? I can't hear you so good. There's a lot of static. Wha? I'm going to call you back.
JerryJill's father is in the hospital and you call to ask about him on a cell phone?
ElaineWhat? No good?
JerryFaux pas.
ElaineFaux pas?
GeorgeBig hefty stinking faux pas.
ElaineWhy?
JerryYou can't make a health inquiry on a cell phone. It's like saying "I don't want to take up any of my important time in my home so I'll just get it out of the way on the street."
GeorgeOn-the-street cell-phone call is the lowest phone call you can make.
JerryIt's an act of total disregard. It's selfish.
GeorgeIt's dismissive.
JerryIt's pompous.
GeorgeWhy don't you think before you do something?
ElaineHere's a thought - Bye bye.
[Exit Elaine]
GeorgeToo much?
[Jerry and George enter Jerry's apartment]
GeorgeBoy - I'm really surprised at Elaine - that whole phone business - she should know better than that.
JerryHey - hey - hey!
GeorgeWhat?
JerryWhere do you think this relationship is? If you are thinking of instituting an open-door urination policy, let me disabuse you of that notion right now, my friend.
GeorgeYou're so uptight.
JerryUptight? Let's all just have a big pee party. Hey everybody, grab a bucket. We're going up to Jerry's. It's a pee party.
[Jerry listens to his answering machine]
Phone TapeJerry, this is Elizabeth Clark calling from James Kimbrough's office at NBC. Could you please give us a call?Thanks.
JerryHello. Yeah, hi, this is Jerry Seinfeld calling for James Kimbrough. Hello? Hi? Uh huh, really, uh, no problem, definitely, ok, buhbye. That was James Kimbrough.
GeorgeWho's he?
JerryHe is the new president of NBC. He wants to sit down with us and talk about "Jerry."
GeorgeOur show, "Jerry"?
JerryRight.
George"Jerry", oh my God. He wants to talk about "Jerry"?
JerryYeah!
GeorgeWhen?
JerryToday, like right now.
GeorgeRight now? "Jerry"?
Jerry"Jerry"!
GeorgeHe wants to talk about "Jerry"?
JerryHe wants to talk about "Jerry"!
George"Jerry"!
Jerry"Jerry"!
GeorgeCan I go like this?
JerrySure!
GeorgeNo sports jacket? I don't need a sports jacket? Writers wear sports jackets.
JerryForget the sports jacket.
GeorgeI won't feel like a writer.
JerryYou're not a writer.
GeorgeRight!
[Jerry and George are sitting in a waiting room at NBC]
GeorgeWater. Need some water! Water here!
JerryOk, now listen, I don't want any scenes in here like the last time.
GeorgeDon't worry, don't worry, no scenes.
JerryDon't blow this.
GeorgeI will not blow this.
JerryIf he says he doesn't want it to be a show about nothing, don't go nuts.
GeorgeIt's fine, it doesn't have to be about nothing.
JerryHe might not want nothing.
GeorgeSomething, nothing, I could care less.
JerryHe might want a show about anything and everything.
GeorgeAnything, everything, something, nothing - Who the hell cares? Put me down. I'm down!
JerryAll right.
ReceptionistMr. Kimbrough is ready to see you
GeorgeMagic time.
JerryWhat?
[Jerry and George are escorted into Mr. Kimbrough's office]
ReceptionistMr. Kimbrough.
StuHey, Jerry, good to see you.
GeorgeHey, hey, hey!
StuHow you been?
JerryGood, good. You remember George.
StuGeorge, good to see you.
GeorgeHello Stu.
StuYou remember Jay Crespi.
GeorgeJay Crespi, how am I gonna forget Jay Crespi?
StuThis is James Kimbrough.
KimbroughNice to meet you, pleasure, thanks for coming in.
GeorgeKimbrough.
JerryDon't spell.
GeorgeK-I-M-B-R-O-U-G-H
KimbroughThat's right.
GeorgeIt's a talent I have.
KimbroughWhy don't we sit down, glad you're here.
GeorgeWoo! Some day out there - You ever see weather like that? Woo! It's crisp - it's crispy crisp.
JerryShut up, George.
KimbroughCan I get you anything?
GeorgeWhat do we have in the fruit department?
JerryOy.
StuPineapple.
GeorgeOh, that's a dangerous fruit. It's like a weapon that thing, got spikes on the end. You can get killed from one of those things.
KimbroughAnyway, let me tell you why I called. When I took over here last month, I reviewed what was in development,and it was pretty much same old, same old.
GeorgeBeen there, done that.
KimbroughRight. I was looking for something different. Something that would have people talking at the water coolers.
GeorgeWater coolers?
CrespiWe call it a water-cooler show.
JerryBecause the next day in the offices, people gather around the water coolers to talk about it, right?
GeorgeSee, I think people would talk about it at the coffee machines.
JerryWell it's probably just easier to say "water cooler show" than "coffee machine show."
GeorgeIt's really not accurate. Nobody drinks from a water cooler any more - they use bottles.
JerryBut I think Mr. Kimbrough makes a good point.
KimbroughAnyway, Stu here started telling me about a show, "Jerry", that he developed five years ago.
StuI have always loved it.
KimbroughHe said it was a show about nothing. So, I saw the pilot and I've got to tell you - I flipped out.
CrespiHe totally flipped out.
KimbroughWhat I want to do is put it on the air. 13-episode commitment. Start it off on Wednesday night, build up an audience. This show needs time to grow. I love that Kramer guy.
JerryHe's a little off the wall.
CrespiOh yeah.
StuKramer.
KimbroughAnd Elaine - I wouldn't mind seeing something happening between you two.
JerryDefinitely.
GeorgeI tell you, I really don't think so-called relationship humor is what this show is all about.
KimbroughOr we could not do the show altogether, how about that?
GeorgeOr we could get them together. Woo!
[George and Jerry attempt a hug outside Mr. Kimbrough's office]
GeorgeYeah!
JerryYeah!
[Elaine is at home using the phone when Jerry calls to tell her the news]
ElaineJill, hi, it's Elaine. Well, I'm calling from my home. Indoors. Well, I was just calling to see how your fa.. I'm sorry, I'm getting another call. Hang on just a second. Hello?
JerryHi. Elaine, it's me.
ElaineJerry, I'm on the other line.
JerryNo no - this is an emergency - get off the phone.
ElaineI'm sorry, Jill. I'm going to have to take this call. Jerry, what's the emergency?
JerryThe "Jerry"'s back on - the TV show! George and I are moving to California!
ElaineThat's the emergency?
JerryDid you hear what I said?
ElaineI was on the other line talking to Jill.
JerryJill? Well, why didn't you say so?
ElaineYou said it was an emergency.
JerrySo now she's lost a phone face-off? That's even worse than your cell phone walk-and-talk.
[Jerry is telling his parents the good news about Jerry]
HelenCongratulations, they're doing the show.
MortyThey should have put that show on 5 years ago. Bunch of idiots at that network. Can I tell you something, Jerry? It's all crap on TV. The only thing I watch is Xena the Warrior Princess. She must be about six-six.
HelenShe's not six-six.
MortyJerry, you ever watch that?
JerryYeah, it's pretty good.
[George is telling his parents the news.]
EstelleThey picked up the show?
GeorgeI'm moving to California.
FrankOh baby-doll, this kid's going places, I told you.
EstelleThe NBC guy liked it?
GeorgeOf course he liked it.
EstelleHe told you he liked it?
GeorgeHe wouldn't put it on if he didn't like it.
EstelleWell, what are you doing?
GeorgeI'm writing.
EstelleYou know how to write?
FrankWithout the writing, you have nothing. You're the ones that make them look good.
EstelleSince when do you know how to write? I never saw you write anything.
GeorgeMa?!
EstelleI don't know how you're going to write all those shows. And where are you get all the ideas?
FrankWould you leave him alone? You'll shatter his confidence!
GeorgeI don't need any ideas. It's a show about nothing.
EstelleNothing. Please. I'll tell you the truth - the whole thing sounds pretty stupid to me.
[Jerry is on the phone with his agent, Kramer walks in.]
JerryNBC is letting me use their private jet? And I can go anywhere I want? That's fantastic! Thanks. Great. Okay, bye.
KramerOh hey!
JerryHey - how was the beach?
KramerOh, you missed it, buddy - lot of femininas - some major femininas
JerryI had a little meeting today at NBC. What are you doing?
KramerYou know, I went swimming and I can't get this water out of my ear.
JerrySo do you remember five years ago, we did that pilot, "Jerry"? Well, the new guy at NBC wants to do it. They're putting it on the air! They're giving us a 13-episode commitment. George and I are moving to California!
KramerYou're moving to California?
JerryYeah, only for a while.
KramerYeah, but Jerry, what happens if the show's a hit? You could be out there for years! You might never come back.
JerryNo, I'll be back.
KramerJerry. It's L.A. Nobody leaves. She's a seductress, she's a siren, she's a virgin, she's a whore.
JerryAnd my agent said as a bonus, I can use their private jet, so we'll all go somewhere - the four of us, one big fling before George and I go to California.
KramerFling! ------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK -------------
[The group is sitting at their table at Monks]
ElaineSo we can go anywhere we want?
JerryAnywhere.
ElaineWhy are they doing this?
JerryI think they want to make it up to us cause they let this thing sit on their shelf for five years.
ElaineThis is all very exciting.
GeorgeSo? Where are we going?
KramerI say Japan.
ElaineWhy Japan?
KramerOh - geishas - they cater to your every whim. They're shy at first, but they're quite skilled at conversation. They can discuss anything from world affairs to the fine art of fishing - or baking.
ElaineOh - I got it - how about Russia?
JerryRussia, it's so bleak.
ElaineIt's not bleak - it's springtime.
JerryIt's still bleak.
ElaineYou can't be bleak in spring.
JerryYou can be bleak in spring.
GeorgeIf you're bleak, you're bleak.
ElaineWhat about Switzerland?
KramerOh - Switzerland - the Von Trapp family, huh?
GeorgeIt's a bit hilly - no?
ElaineYou're not going to do any walking.
GeorgeWhat if I want to walk around a little?
ElaineSo then you'll walk down the hill and we'll pick you up.
GeorgeWhat if I'm at the bottom?
ElaineAll right! You know what, just forget it!
JerryAlright - come on - come on now, people. Let's face it, we're not all going to agree on anything. Why don't we all just go to Paris?
ElaineI'll go to Paris.
GeorgeMe too.
KramerOh yeah - oui oui.
JerrySo that's it - it's settled, we're going to Paris.
GroupYeah!
[Elaine walks into Jerry's apartment]
ElaineHey. NBC limo is downstairs - beep beep beep. {NBC tune} I'm just going to call Jill one more time before we go.
JerryWait, you can't make a call like that on your way out. You can't rush that conversation.
ElaineWell, I can't call from the limo. Can I call from the plane?
JerryFirst you make a cell-phone walk-and-talk, then she loses a call-waiting face-off, now you're talking about a plane call?
ElaineAll right, I'll just have to call her from Paris.
[Knock at the door. Jerry answers.]
NewmanHello, Jerry.
JerryHello, Newman. What gives?
NewmanI was speaking earlier with Kramer and he mentioned something about a private jet to Paris?
JerryYeah, that's right.
NewmanWell, I hear it's quite beautiful there this time of year, and of course you know I'm one-quarter French.
JerryReally.
NewmanOh yes, in fact I still have family there. This probably won't interest you, but I have a cousin there who's suffering very badly. She's lost all use of her muscles. She can only communicate by blinking. I would so love to see her - bring a ray of sunshine into her tragic life. But alas, I can't afford it, for I am, as you know, but a simple postal worker.
JerryThat's a shame.
NewmanTake me! Take me!
JerryOh, forget it. Pull yourself together. You're making me sick. Be a man!
NewmanAll right! But hear me and hear me well - The day will come. Oh yes, mark my words, Seinfeld - your day of reckoning is coming. When an evil wind will blow through your little playworld, and wipe that smug smile off your face. And I'll be there, in all my glory, watching - watching as it all comes crumbling down.
[The group arrives by limo to the airport]
CaptainAh, Jerry?
JerryYeah.
CaptainI'm Captain Maddox this is my co-pilot, Kurt Adams. Ready to go to Paris?
JerryAll set. We'll just grab the bags.
CaptainDon't worry about that. We'll take care of them for you.
JerryJust keeps on getting better and better.
[Our heroes enter the plane]
JerryNot bad.
ElaineWow!
KramerThe only way to fly.
GeorgeThis is it?
[After take-off, the group chit-chats]
GeorgeI'm sorry - I have to say, I'm a little disappointed, I thought it would be a lot nicer.
JerryYou're complaining about a private jet?
GeorgeYou think this is the plane that Ted Danson gets?
JerryTed Danson is not even on the network anymore.
GeorgeStill, I bet when they gave him a plane, it was a lot nicer than this one.
ElaineWill you shut up? You are ruining the whole trip.
GeorgeThis is a real piece of junk. I don't even feel safe on this thing. I have a good mind to write a letter toMr. Kimbrough.
JerryYou're not writing any letters!
ElaineWill you turn around?
GeorgeWhy?
ElaineYou are annoying me sitting like that. It's effeminate.
GeorgeIt's effeminate to sit like this?
ElaineYes, I think it's a little effeminate.
GeorgeHow is this effeminate?
ElaineI don't know - it just is.
GeorgeKramer, what are you doing?
JerryStill got water in your ear?
KramerCan't get rid of it. Maybe it leaked inside my brain.
GeorgeWould you stop that? It's not safe to be jumping up and down on a plane.
KramerI got to get it out, I can't take this anymore.
GeorgeKramer, don't be fooling around up here.
GeorgeKramer!
CaptainHey, get the hell out of here!
ElaineWhat is that?
GeorgeOh my God!
ElaineWhat is that noise? What is that noise?
JerryKramer, what the hell did you do?
KramerI lost my balance.
ElaineOh my God!
ElaineWhat's going on?
JerryKramer!
KramerIt was an accident.
GeorgeI told you to stop with the hopping.
ElaineOh my God, we're going down. We're going to die!
GeorgeJust when I was doing great. I told you God wouldn't let me be successful.
JerryIs this it? Is this how it ends? It can't- it can't end like this.
KramerI'm ready! I'm ready! Glory hallelujah!
GeorgeJerry? Jerry can you hear me?
JerryYeah.
GeorgeThere's something I have to tell you.
JerryWhat? What is it?
GeorgeI cheated in the contest.
ElaineWhat?
JerryWhat?
GeorgeThe contest - I cheated.
JerryWhy?
GeorgeBecause I'm a cheater! I had to tell you.
JerryGreat - I won.
ElaineJerry, I gotta tell you something too.
JerryYeah, Elaine I got something I want to say to you.
ElaineNo no - me first.
JerryAlright.
ElaineJerry, I've always loved ..u..
GeorgeHey - What's going on?
KramerWe're straightening out!
ElaineWe're straightening out?
JerryWe're straightening out!
GeorgeWe're straightening out!
GroupYeah!
[Outside the plane]
CaptainWell, again, sorry about that little mishap. But once you get everything checked out there shouldn't be anymore problems.
JerryWhere are we?
CaptainLatham, Massachusetts. Why don't you take a cab into town, get yourself something to eat. I got your beeper number - I'll beep you as soon as we're ready.
JerryOkay.
ElaineOkay.
JerryWe'll see you later.
[In front of a store, in Latham, Massachusetts]
ElaineWell, what are we going to do about Paris? I mean are we actually going to get back on this plane?
JerryI say we go back to New York, and take a regular flight.
GeorgeI'm not getting on a regular plane now - I'm all psyched up to go on a private jet. No way I'm getting on a regular plane.
ElaineWell, I'm sure that they would fly us first class.
GeorgeFirst class doesn't make it anymore. Now you get on the phone with Kimbrough, tell him what happened and tell him to get another plane down here, but this time, the good one - the Ted Danson plane.
JerryAlright, I'll feel him out.
GeorgeYeah, just tell him to hurry it up.
StrangerNice day.
JerryAnother one?
[A carjacking takes place in front of the group]
RobberAlright fatso, out of the car.
KramerI want to capture this.
RobberCome on! Gimme your wallet.
VictimDon't shoot.
JerryWell, there goes the money for the lipo.
ElaineSee, the great thing about robbing a fat guy is it's an easy getaway. You know? They can't really chase ya!
GeorgeHe's actually doing him a favor. It's less money for him to buy food.
RobberI want your wallet. Come on. Come on, come on.
JerryThat's a shame. Alright, I'm gonna call NBC.
VictimOfficer, he's stealing my car! Officer, I was carjacked. I was held up at gunpoint! He took my wallet, everything!
JerryOkay, thanks anyway. They can't get another plane.
KramerAll right, what's wrong with the plane we got? They're just checking it out.
ElaineForget it.
JerryNo, no, no. We're not getting on there. Come on, let's go get something to eat in Sticksville.
OfficerAll right, hold it right there.
KramerWhat?
OfficerYou're under arrest.
JerryUnder arrest? What for?
OfficerArticle 223-7 of the Latham County Penal Code.
ElaineWhat? No, no - we didn't do anything.
OfficerThat's exactly right. The law requires you to help or assist anyone in danger as long as it's reasonable todo so.George: I never heard of that.
OfficerIt's new. It's called the Good Samaritan Law. Let's go. ------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK -------------
[In a cell, at the Latham County Jail]
ElaineThe Good Samaritan Law? Are they crazy?
GeorgeWhy would we want to help somebody?
ElaineI know.
GeorgeThat's what nuns and Red Cross workers are for.
KramerThe Samaritans were an ancient tribe - very helpful to people.
ElaineAlright - um, excuse me, hi, could you tell me what kind of law this is.
DeputyWell, they just passed it last year. It's modeled after the French law. I heard about it after Princess Diana was killed and all those photographers were just standing around.
JerryOh, yeah.
ElaineOh, yeah.
DeputyYou're the first ones to be arrested on it, probably in the whole country.
GeorgeAll right, so what's the penalty here? Let's just pay the fine or something and get the hell out of here.
DeputyWell, it's not that easy. Now see, the law calls for a maximum fine of $85,000 and as much as five years in prison.
ElaineWhat?
GeorgeOh no no no no - we have to be in California next week. We're starting a TV show.
DeputyCalifornia? Oh gosh, I don't think so. Yeah, my guess is you're gonna be prosecuted. Better get yourselves a good lawyer.
[Lawyer Jackie Chiles' office]
ChilesWho told you to put the cheese on? Did I tell you to put the cheese on? I didn't tell you to put the cheese on.
[The phone rings]
SecretaryJerry Seinfeld on the phone.
ChilesYou people with the cheese. It never ends. Hello? Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh. Good Samaritan Law? I never heard of it. You don't have to help anybody. That's what this country's all about. That's deplorable, unfathomable, improbable. Hold on. Suzie, cancel my appointment with Dr. Bison. And pack a bag for me. I want to get to Latham, Massachusetts,right away.
ProsecutorSo they got Jackie Chiles, huh?
D.A. HoytUh huh. You know what that means. This whole place is going to be swarming with media by the time this thing is over. You're not going to be able to find a hotel room in this town. The whole country is going to be watching us. Now we got to do whatever it takes to win it, no matter what the cost. The big issue in this trial is going to be character. I want you to find out everything you can about these people - and I mean everything.