Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer stand trial under a Good Samaritan law. Every person they’ve wronged over nine seasons testifies against them. The verdict is guilty.
[The four are in prison, having a meal]
KramerMmmm, this is pretty good chow, huh?
GeorgeWould it kill him to check up on us? No - drops off the meals and that's it. I realize we're prisoners, but we're still entitled to catsup.
ElaineI guess we could've called for help.
JerryBut then we would have missed the whole thing.
KramerI still had it on video. We could have watched it later.
GeorgeYeah, he's right.
JerryI forgot about the video.
ElaineSure - the video.
[Jerry's beeper starts beeping]
ElaineWhat is that?
JerryPlane's ready.
[Rivera Live news show]
RiveraHi everybody, I'm Geraldo Rivera. Tonight we'll be talking about what most of you have probably been discussing in your homes, and around the water coolers in your offices. I am speaking of course of the controversial Good Samaritan trial that gets underway Thursday in Latham, Massachusetts. Now before we meet our distinguished panel, let's go to Latham live, where Jane Wells is standing by. Jane-
WellsYes. Good evening, Geraldo.
RiveraWhat's the mood? What's going on tonight?
WellsWell, Latham is fairly quite tonight, considering the media circus that has descended upon this quaint little town.
RiveraAnd what about the defendants - the so-called New York Four. How are they holding up?
WellsWell, I did speak with one of the deputies who had some contact with them, and he told me quote "There's no love lost with that group."
RiveraAnything else, Jane?
WellsThere also seems to be some friction between Mr. Seinfeld, and Ms. Benes. The rumor is that they once dated, and it's possible that ended badly.
RiveraWell, ladies and gentlemen, who know, maybe this trial will bring them closer together. Maybe they'll even end up getting married.
[Jerry's parents are packing]
HelenI hope you packed enough - this trial could last for weeks.
MortyWhat's all that?
HelenCereal.
MortyYou're packing cereal?
HelenI'm bringing it for Jerry.
MortyYou got enough here for a life sentence.
HelenHe likes it. He says he misses that more that anything.
MortySo bring a snack-pack.
[George's parents are packing]
EstellePoor Georgie, was it our fault this happened to him? Did we do something wrong? Maybe it was our fault.
FrankMaybe it was your fault. It wasn't my fault. I can tell you that.
EstelleOh, so it was my fault, but not yours.
FrankYou were the one who smothered him.
EstelleI did not smother him.
FrankYou smothered! He couldn't get any air! He couldn't breathe! He was suffocating!
EstelleSure, and you were always in Korea with your religious chachkis.
FrankI had to make a living! [Newman, laughing, leaves his building with a suitcase. Uncle Leo leaves with his bags, followed by J. Peterman, David Puddy in his 8-ball jacket, Mickey, Kenny Bania, Mr. and Mrs. Ross, Mr. Bookman, Keith Hernandez, and George Steinbrenner.]
[The four are at a table. Jerry and Kramer are enjoying some cereal, while they wait for Jackie Chiles.]
KramerThis is excellent huh? Don't worry I didn't use too much milk, cause I know we gotta make it last.
JerryYou know I've had to reduce my milk level. My whole life I've always filled to at least three quarters - sometimes, to the top of the cereal. Now, to conserve, I can't even see the milk anymore. It's a big adjustment.
KramerI bet.
JerryIt's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
[Enter Jackie Chiles]
ChilesGood morning.
ElaineGood morning, Jackie.
JerryGood morning.
ChilesIs everybody ready? Didn't I tell you I wanted you to wear the cardigan?
GeorgeIt makes me look older.
ChilesLook older? Do you think this is a game? Is that what you think this is? I'm trying to give you amoral compass. You have no moral compass. You're going to walk into that courtroom, and the jury's going to see a mean, nasty, evil George Costanza. I want them to see Perry Como. No one's going to convict Perry Como. Perry Como helps out a fat tub who's getting robbed.
[Jerry laughs]
ChilesDo you think it's funny?
JerryNo.
ChilesYou damn right it isn't. You better not be carrying on laughing in that courtroom, funny man. Cause if you start getting all smart-alecky, making wisecracks, acting a fool, you gonna find yourself in here for a long, long time. I don't like that tie. Suzie, get one of my ties from my briefcase.
ElaineHow do I look, Jackie?
ChilesOh, you looking good. You look strong. You one fine-looking sexy lady.
ElaineThank you, Jackie.
KramerHow bout me, Jackie?
ChilesKramer, you always look good. You got respect for yourself. You're genuine. Jury's going to pick up on that.
[Jackie hands Jerry a tie]
ChilesHere.
JerryThis one?
ChilesThat's right.
JerryDo I have to?
ElaineJackie says put it on, Jerry.
[Court is starting]
BailiffAll rise. Fourth District County Court, Latham, Massachusetts is now in session. The Honorable Judge Arthur Vandelay presiding.
GeorgeVandelay? The judge's name is Vandelay?
ChilesVanda who?
GeorgeJerry, did you hear that?
JerryYeah.
GeorgeI think that's a good sign.
VandelayIs the District Attorney ready to proceed?
HoytWe are, Your Honor.
VandelayMr. Hoyt.
HoytLadies and gentlemen, last year, our City Council by a vote of twelve to two, passed a Good Samaritan Law. Now, essentially, we made it a crime to ignore a fellow human being in trouble. Now this group from New York not only ignored, but, as we will prove, they actually mocked the victim as he was being robbed at gunpoint. I can guarantee you one other thing, ladies and gentlemen, this is not the first time they have behaved in this manner. On the contrary, they have quite a record of mocking and maligning. This is a history of selfishness, self-absorption, immaturity, and greed. And you will see how everyone who has come into contact with these four individuals has been abused, wronged, deceived and betrayed. This time, they have gone too far. This time they are going to be held accountable. This time, they are the ones who will pay.
[Newman shown eating popcorn]
VandelayMr. Chiles.
ChilesI am shocked and chagrined, mortified and stupefied. This trial is outrageous! It is a waste of the taxpayers' time and money. It is a travesty of justice that these four people have been incarcerated while the real perpetrator is walking around laughing - lying and laughing, laughing and lying. You know what these four people were? They were innocentbystanders. Now, you just think about that term. Innocent. Bystanders. Because that's exactly what they were. We know theywere bystanders, nobody's disputing that. So how can a bystander be guilty? No such thing. Have you ever heard of a guilty bystander? No, because you cannot be a bystander and be guilty. Bystanders are by definition, innocent. That is the nature of bystanding. But no, they want to change nature here. They want to create a whole new animal - the guilty bystander. Don't you let them do it. Only you can stop them. ------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK -------------
VandelayIs the prosecution ready to present its first witness?
HoytWe are, Your Honor. Call Officer Matt Vogel to the stand.
BailiffCall Matt Vogel.
HoytSo they were just standing there?
VolegYes.
HoytDid one of them have a video camera?
VogelYes.
HoytYour Honor, with the court's permission, we would like to play back that video and enter it into evidence as Exhibit A.
VandelayProceed.
[The tape plays]
VictimDon't shoot.
JerryWell, there goes the money for the lipo.
ElaineSee, the great thing about robbing a fat guy is it's an easy getaway. They can't really chase ya!
GeorgeHe's actually doing him a favor. It's less money for him to buy food.
[Witness: the victim of the robbery]
HoytSo they just stood there and did nothing?
VictimYeah, nothing. Nothing!
HoytNo further questions.
[Enter NBC executives Stu Chermak and Jay Crespi]
GeorgeHey! Great plane! Thanks a lot. Piece of junk. You know you almost got us killed!
HoytCall Mabel Choate to the stand.
BailiffCall Mabel Choate.
ChilesYour Honor. I most strenuously and vigorously object to this witness. She was not present at the time of the incident. Her testimony is irrelevant, irrational, and inconsequential.
HoytYour Honor, the prosecution has gone to great lengths and considerable cost to find these character witnesses.It is imperative that we establish this is not merely an isolated incident. It's part of a pattern of anti-social behavior that's been going on for years.
VandelayObjection overruled. I'll hear the witness.
HoytNow, Mrs. Choate, would you please tell the court what happen the evening of January 4th.
ChoateWell, I was in Snitzer's Bakery when I got accosted by that man.
HoytLet the record show that she is pointing at Mr. Seinfeld.
HoytWhat did he want?
ChoateMy marble rye.
HoytYour marble rye?
ChoateI got the last one. He kept persisting, and I said no.
HoytAnd then you left the bakery.
ChoateThat's right.
HoytBut it didn't end there, did it, Mrs. Choate?
ChoateOh no.
[Scene from past episode, "The Rye"]
JerryGimme that rye.
ChoateStop it.
JerryI want that rye lady.
ChoateHelp - someone help.
JerryShut up, you old bag!
[Back to the present]
HoytNo further questions.
HoytI call Marla Penny to the stand.
BailiffCall Marla Penny.
JerryThe virgin!
HoytAnd what was your connection to the defendants?
PennyI dated Mr. Seinfeld for several weeks in the autumn of 1992.
HoytThen on the evening of October 28, there was an abrupt end to that relationship. Tell us what happened.
PennyIt's rather difficult to talk about.
HoytIt's alright. Take your time.
PennyWell, I became aware of a -
HoytA what?
PennyA, uh -
HoytYes?
PennyA contest.
HoytContest?
PennyYes.
HoytWhat was the nature of the contest?
PennyOh please, I can't.
HoytIt's okay.
PennyThe four of them made a wager to see if they could -
HoytYes?
PennyTo see who could go the longest without gratifying themselves.
PetermanFor the love of God!
PennyIt was horrible, horrible!
HoytCall Donald Sanger to the stand.
JerryWho the hell is that?
Mr. SangerCome on Donald, you're doing fine.
GeorgeThe Bubble Boy!
ChilesBubble Boy?
JerryThat's right, the Bubble Boy.
ChilesWhat's a Bubble Boy?
JerryHe's a boy who lives in a bubble.
Bubble BoyWhat the hell are all you looking at?
HoytSo Donald, would you please tell the court about the incident that occurred in your house, October 7th, 1992.
Bubble BoyWell, Jerry Seinfeld was supposed to come to my house, but his friend Costanza showed up instead, so I challenged him to a game of Trivial Pursuit.
[Scene from past episode, "The Bubble Boy"]
GeorgeWho invaded Spain in the Eighth Century?
Bubble BoyThat's a joke - the Moors.
GeorgeOh no - I'm so sorry, it's the Moops. The correct answer is the Moops.
Bubble BoyMoops? Let me see that. That's not Moops, you jerk. It's Moors. It's a misprint.
GeorgeSorry, the card says Moops.
Bubble BoyIt doesn't matter. It's Moors - there's no Moops.
GeorgeIt's Moops.
Bubble BoyMoors!
GeorgeMoops!
GeorgeHelp! Someone!
Bubble BoyThere's no Moops, you idiot.
SusanStop it! Let go of him!
Mrs. SangerDonald, stop it. No. Donald, stop it.
[Back to the court]
GeorgeIt was Moops.
Bubble BoyMoors.
[Witness: the lady Kramer gave a defective wheelchair to in "The Handicapped Spot"]
HoytSo Mr. Costanza parked in a handicapped spot, and as a result you got in an accident, and your wheelchair was destroyed?
LadyThat's right.
HoytAnd then Mr. Kramer gave you a used wheelchair?
LadyThat's right.
[Scene showing lady screaming going out of control down hill in her wheelchair.]
[Witness: Dr. Wilcox, the doctor on duty when Susan died]
HoytSo you were the doctor on duty the night Susan Ross died?
WilcoxYes, that's right. It was May 16, 1996. I'll never forget it.
HoytSo you broke the news to Mr. Costanza? Could you tell the court, please, what his reaction was?
WilcoxI would describe it as restrained jubilation.
Mr. RossMurderer!
Mrs. RossHe killed our daughter! He knew those envelopes were toxic!
VandelayOrder in this court!
HoytCall Sidra Holland to the stand.
ChilesWhew! Look at this one, she fine. You dated her?
HoytSo you met Jerry Seinfeld in a health club sometime in 1993?
SidraYes.
HoytAnd you also met Miss Benes in that same health club?
SidraYes, that's true.
HoytWould you describe the circumstances of that meeting.
SidraWe were in the sauna, making chit-chat.
[Scene from past episode, "The Implant"]
SidraYou know, I've seen you around the club. My name's Sidra. This is Marcie.
ElaineOh, hi, I'm Elaine.
[Back in the courtroom]
HoytSo, she pretended to trip, and she fell into your breasts?
SidraYes.
HoytWhy would she do something like that?
SidraBecause he sent her in there to find out if they were real.
[Witness: Joe Bookman, library cop]
HoytState your name.
BookmanBookman, Joe Bookman.
HoytAnd what's your occupation?
BookmanI'm a library cop.
HoytWhat does a library cop do?
BookmanWe chase down library delinquents.
HoytAnyone in this room ever delinquent?
BookmanYeah, he was. Right over there - Seinfeld.
HoytHow long was his book overdue?
Bookman25 years. We don't call them delinquent after that long.
HoytWhat do you call them?
BookmanCriminals.
[Witness: George's old girlfriend]
HoytSo you and Mr. Costanza were dating.
WomanYes.
HoytAnd then what happened?
WomanWell, I invited him to attend my son's birthday party and -
[Scene from past episode, "The Fire"]
GeorgeFire! Get out of the way!
[Back to the courtroom]
[Witness: parking lot security guard]
GuardAt the time, I was employed as a security guard in the parking lot at the Garden Valley Shopping Mall.
[Scene from past episode, "The Parking Garage"]
JerryWhy would I do it unless I was in mortal danger? I know it's against the law.
GuardI don't know.
JerryBecause I could get uromycitisis poisoning and die - that's why.
[Back to the courtroom]
HoytUromycitisis! I wonder if they're having any trouble controlling themselves during this trial? Perhaps these two hooligans would like to have a pee party right here in the courtroom!
ChilesObjection, Your Honor! This is completely inappropriate! My clients' medical condition is not on trial here! I refer you to the Disability Act of 1990.
VandelaySit down, Mr. Chiles.
[Witness: Police Detective]
HoytAlright, Detective, then what happened?
DetectiveWe got a tip that a lot of prostitutes had been turning tricks in the parking lot.
[Scene from past episode, "The Wig Master"]
ProYou just cost me some money.
KramerCool it, lady. Cool it. Cool it, lady. Cool it.
PolicePolice officers - freeze right there!
[Back to the courtroom]
HoytSo Cosmo Kramer was, in fact, a pimp.
[Witness: the low-talker]
HoytSo you asked Mr. Seinfeld if he would wear your puffy shirt on the Today Show?
[Mumble]
HoytExcuse me?
ChilesUh, excuse me, Your Honor, but what is the point of this testimony? This woman's a low-talker. I can't hear a word she's saying. So either get some other kind of microphone up there, or let's move on.
[Witness: George Steinbrenner]
HoytCall George Steinbrenner to the stand.
BailiffCall George Steinbrenner.
HoytSo George Costanza came to work for you in May of 1994?
SteinbrennerYes, that's right, he was good kid - a lovely boy. Shared his calzone with me - that was a heck of a sandwich, wasn't it, Georgie?
GeorgeYes, sir, that was a good sandwich, sir.
SteinbrennerHe had one little problem though.
HoytWhat was that?
SteinbrennerHe was a communist. Thick as they come. Like a big juicy steak.
FrankHow could you give twelve million dollars to Hideki Irabu?!
VandeleyOrder!
[Witness: Man from "The Little Jerry"]
HoytCock fighting?
WitnessCock fighting.
[Witness: Pharmacist from "The Sponge"]
PharmacistSponges. I don't mean the kind you clean your tub with. They're for sex. Said she needed a whole case of them.
[Witness: Elaine's old boyfriend]
ManShe exposed her nipple.
[Witness: Mr. Pitt from "The Diplomat's Club"]
HoytHow did she try to kill you?
PittShe tried to smother me with a pillow.
HoytCall Yev Kassem to the stand.
BailiffCall Yev Kassem.
JerryWho?
ElaineThe Soup Nazi!
ChilesSoup Nazi? You people have a little pet name for everybody.
HoytState your name.
Soup NaziYev Kassem.
HoytCould you spell that?
Soup NaziNo! Next question.
HoytHow do you know the defendants?
Soup NaziThey used to come to my restaurant.
[Scene from past episode, "The Soup Nazi"]
GeorgeMedium turkey chili.
JerryMedium crab bisque.
GeorgeI didn't get any bread.
JerryJust forget it. Let it go.
GeorgeUm, excuse me, I think you forgot my bread.
Soup NaziYou want bread?
GeorgeYes, please.
Soup NaziThree dollars!
GeorgeWhat?
Soup NaziNo soup for you!
[Back in the courtroom]
Soup NaziBut the idiot clowns did not know how to order. I banned that one - the woman - for a year. Then one day, she came back.
[Back to the "Soup Nazi" episode]
ElaineFive cups chopped porcini mushrooms. Half a cup of olive oil. Three pounds celery.
Soup NaziThat's my recipe for wild mushroom.
ElaineYou're through, Soup Nazi. Pack it up. No more soup for you. Next!
[Back in the courtroom]
Soup NaziShe published my recipes. I had to close the store, move to Argentina. She ruined my business!
ElaineSoup's not all that good anyway.
Soup NaziWhat did you say?!
HoytThe state calls Mr. Babu Bhatt to the stand.
JerryHow did they find Babu?
ElaineI thought he was deported.
HoytYou came a long way to be here today, haven't you?
BabuYes, all the way from Pakistan.
HoytAnd what's your connection to the defendant?
BabuI owned a restaurant. Seinfeld told me to change the menu to Pakistani. But nobody came! There were no people.
HoytAnd then what happened?
BabuThen, he got me an apartment in his building. But they mixed up the mail. And I never got my immigration renewal papers. So they deported me. It's all his fault. Him. And the woman. But they did not care. They're totally indifferent. All they do is mock me, just like they did the fat fellow. All the time. Mocking, mocking, mocking, mocking, mocking. All the time! Now it is Babu's turn to mock. Finally I will have some justice. Send them away! Send them all away! Lock them up forever! They are not human. Very bad! Very, very, very bad! ------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK -------------
[Rivera Live]
RiveraHi everybody, I'm Geraldo Rivera and welcome to this special edition of Rivera Live. Well, arguments in the Good Samaritan trial ended today. The jury has been in deliberation for four and a half hours now. Let's go live to Jane Wells who is in Latham, Massachusetts, covering this trial for us. Jane -
WellsGeraldo, just a few minutes ago, the jury asked to see the video tape.
RiveraThat's the one where they are overheard making sarcastic remarks during the robbery.
WellsYes, it's a very incriminating piece of evidence. But I must tell you, Geraldo, this courtroom and everyone who has attended this trial is still reeling from the endless parade of witness who have come forth so enthusiastically to testify against these four seemingly ordinary people. One even had the feeling that if Judge Vandelay didn't finally put a stop to it, it could've gone on for months.
RiveraJane, whose testimony do you think resonated most strongly with this jury?
WellsThat is so hard to say. Certainly there's the doctor with the poison invitations. The Bubble Boy was an extremely sympathetic and tragic figure. And that bizarre contest certainly didn't sit well with this small town jury.There's the woman they sold the defective wheelchair to, the deported Pakistani restaurateur. Geraldo, it just went on, and on, and on, into the night.
RiveraAnd so we wait.
[The group, waiting for the jury to decide]
JerryDo they make you wear uniforms in prison?
ElaineI think so.
JerryIt's not that bright orange one is it?
ElaineI hope it's not that one, because I cannot wear orange.
KramerWill you stop worrying? Jackie's going to get us off. He never loses. How about when he asked that cop if a black man had ever been to his house. Did you see the look on his face?
[George's mother, Estelle, tries to butter up Judge Vandelay]
EstelleSorry to bother you, Judge.
VandelayHow did you get in here?
EstellePlease, if he's found guilty, please be kind to him. He's a good boy.
VandelayThis is highly irregular.
EstelleWell, maybe there's something I can do for you.
VandelayWhat do you mean?
EstelleYou know
[Witnesses waiting in pool hall, at restaurant, etc. Mr. Ross buys a gun.]
[Sidra Holland and Jackie Chiles are in bed]
SidraOh, Jackie, you're so articulate.
JackieWe have plenty of time, too. This jury could be out for days.
[Phone rings]
JackieHello? Damn. They're ready.
[Back in the courtroom]
JerryHey Elaine, what was it you were about to say to me on the plane when it was going down?
ElaineI've always loved ... United Airlines.
[Jury reenters the courtroom]
KramerI think it's going to be okay - that girl just smiled at me.
JerryMaybe because she knows you're going to jail.
BailiffAll rise.
VandelayLadies and gentlemen of the jury, have you reached a verdict?
ForemanWe have, Your Honor.
VandelayWill the defendants please rise. And how do you find, with respect to the charge of criminal indifference?
ForemanWe find the defendants - guilty.
VandelayOrder! Order in this court, I will clear this room! I do not know how, or under what circumstances the four of you found each other, but your callous indifference and utter disregard for everything that is good and decent has rocked the very foundation upon which our society is built. I can think of nothing more fitting than for the four of youto spend a year removed from society so that you can contemplate the manner in which you have conducted yourselves. I know I will. This court is adjourned.
[Exit Judge Vandelay]
GeorgeYou had to hop! You had to hop on the plane.
ElainePuddy, don't wait for me.
PuddyAlright.
FrankWe gotta get out of here. We want to beat the traffic.
SidraCome on, Jackie. Let's go.
JerryWhat?
ChilesOh, and by the way, they're real, and they're spectacular.
[The group, walking back to the holding cell]
JerryWell, it's only a year. That's not so bad. We'll be out in a year, and then we'll be back
KramerCould be fun. Don't have to worry about your meals, or what you're going to do Saturday night. And they do shows. Yeah, we could put on a show - maybe "Bye Bye Birdie" or "My Fair Lady". Elaine, you could be Liza Doolittle.
ElaineWhy don't you just blow it out your...
[They enter the cell]
ElaineIf I call Jill from prison, do you think that would make up for the other ones?
JerrySure.
ElaineCause you only get one call. The prison call is like the king of calls.
JerryI think that would be a very nice gesture.
KramerI got it - it's out! How about that, huh? Oh, boy, what a relief.
JerrySee now, to me, that button is in the worst possible spot.
GeorgeReally?
JerryOh yeah. The second button is the key button. It literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it, it's too high, it's in no-man's land.
GeorgeHaven't we had this conversation before?
JerryYou think?
GeorgeI think we have.
JerryYeah, maybe we have. ------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK -------------
[Epilogue, on stage in the prison]
JerrySo what is the deal with the yard? I mean when I was a kid my mother wanted me to play in the yard. But of course she didn't have to worry about my next door neighbor Tommy sticking a shiv in my thigh. And what's with the lockdown? Why do we have to be locked in our cells? Are we that bad that we have to be sent to prison, in prison? You would think the weightlifting and the sodomy is enough. So, anyone from Cellblock D?
Prisoner 1I am.
JerryI'll talk slower. I'm kidding - I love Cellblock D. My friend George is in Cellblock D. What are you in for,sir?
Prisoner 2Murder one.
JerryMurder one? Oooooo, watch out everybody. Better be nice to you. I'm only kidding sir - lighten up. How about you, what are you in for?
Prisoner 3Grand theft auto.
JerryGrand theft auto - don't steal any of my jokes.
Prisoner 3You suck - I'm gonna cut you.
JerryHey, I don't come down to where you work, and knock the license plate out of your hand.
GuardAlright, Seinfeld, that's it. Let's go. Come on.
JerryAlright, hey, you've been great! See you in the cafeteria.